blog from work. how awesome is that?

I know most people won't appreciate the fact that I am currently posting from work, but I certainly do.

Here's what's happening now: Michael and I have been looking into what it takes to buy a house nowadays. You can get 100% financing, but it'll cost you in the monthly payment. We're going to have to either set our sights considerably lower or get a lot of money before we buy.

That is depressing....because neither one of us can really stand to live in our apartment much longer. Our upstairs neighbors are the *worst* neighbors ever to exist. They are VERY loud all of the time, they have a toddler and a newborn...and they get up at 11 p.m. God knows why. They scream at each other at least three times a week and, at least before the baby came, they partied until 2 a.m. sometimes on weeknights. They throw their trash over their balcony, which ends up on our patio, and don't clean it up. I think the other night they were throwing furniture at each other.

But this is what I really came here to say... And it's really sad, because I have no friends to talk to about this kind of stuff. My mom is useless...always offering 'well I don't know what to tell you,' as advice.

I don't know if you're reading this, Cass, but I wonder if you noticed when we were getting married that Michael spent a lot of time looking at the *floor* instead of at *me,* particularly while I was reciting my vows to him. I felt like I was being ignored or that what I had to say was not important to him.

I said something offhand about it last night and he said 'every time I looked at you, I was tearing up, and I didn't want everyone to see me crying.' And then he got really sulky and wouldn't talk to me. Then he said a bunch of stuff along the lines of 'I'm sorry you think it was such a disaster.' He kept saying shit like that and I finally said 'I didn't say any of that.' He said 'you just hurt my feelings telling me that it frustrated you that I didn't look at you, I've told you why a thousand times.' And that was that.

I didn't say anything else because I didn't want to be awake all night talking about it. I have important things to do today and I had told him that I needed to get to sleep early yesterday morning because I needed to be totally here at work today.

Of course, no dice.

So I'm laying there, trying to sleep...but of course you can't sleep after a 'discussion' like that. So I ended up getting around four hours of broken sleep.

While I was trying to go to sleep, I was thinking it over. Every time I say something and try to get him to understand my point of view and he doesn't like it, he turns it into some bigger thing. I do that sometimes, too...and I know I do, which is why I don't want to talk about it when I get upset about something....I will end up saying something I regret. I need time to process things.

What I wanted to make him understand, and of course I can't now and never will because I never said anything about it last night, is this:

All those other people in the room? They weren't getting married. WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK!

If you cared what they thought, and you thought it would be negative, why did you invite them?

I didn't give a rip if people saw me cry...in fact there are several pictures where I look like a total retard trying *not to,* but that was only because I didn't want to ruin my makeup. Like an idiot, I didn't bring my makeup bag to the church....duh.

Why is it so important to him what other people think all the time!? He always says stuff like that. For example, back when the vasculitis flared again I was taking prednisone [fan fucking tastic...hooray! I really love that stuff, yaknow...], and I needed to break up a pill to take the correct doseage [we all know how important that is, right? ok good]. We happened to be at a restaurant at the time. I have the prescription bottle out on the table and am trying to break a pill in half and suddenly, he goes ballistic! You'd think I was doing lines of cocaine at the table or something 'Put that stuff away! People are going to think you're a crackhead!'

Um hello, the bottle is on the table...and I really don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about it, I just want to take the doseage at the correct time and before my food gets here.

I told him all of that, but he still persisted. 'It just looks bad.' We argued about it, got a little loud...whatever. Because he made me feel like a stupid child....which he does often.

So what is more attention drawing; some lady trying to break a pill in half that she obviously needs to take, or yelling at each other in a crowded restaurant?

I just don't get it. Sometimes I think he's ashamed to be seen with me.

meh

i'm bad at interesting titles. i just don't have the energy for it.

yay i'm married :)

YAY my MoH is having another baby :)

and yeah, i'm jealous. i know pregnancy isn't the most awesome thing ever...but i'd like to experience it for myself.

for now though, i'll have to wait until we have enough money for a baby.

in other news, the vasculitis is flaring yet again..and has been since august. it will not go away and i don't know why.

i can't afford to see the specialist anymore because our insurance sucks hugely now, so i tried to go to a family doctor. i was armed with my entire medical record for the vasculitis.

i ended up having a terrible experience. find the short version here = http://maps.google.com/maps/place?hl=en&expIds=25657,27026,27031,27032,27035,27039,27042,27404,27601&sugexp=ldymls&xhr=t&cp=9&wrapid=tljp1289770711448010&um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=med+one+medical+group+raleigh+nc&fb=1&gl=us&hq=med+one+medical+group&hnear=Raleigh,+NC&cid=13550366950102425464&ei=01bgTPvZJoWBlAfTyfm4Aw&sa=X&oi=local_result&ct=placepage-link&resnum=1&sqi=2&ved=0CBcQ4gkwAA

it's the first one now, it was done in october originally...but i updated it.

also...i don't know who it was that reviewed it after me...but i am seriously suspicious that it was my doctor. anyway, the back and forth should tell you a little about the place.

yeah, i was contacted by the doctor after i posted the review. i, stupidly, thought it was medically related ... since why the hell else would a doctor contact me, right? she proceeded to berate me for my 'hurtful words on the internet.' ok, my review was bad...but it was honest. that is why i reviewed it, so that people would avoid the practice if they had more than a head cold or the flu.

anyway, either way the other reviewer has either been talking about me with the doctor, or it is the doctor, or it's one of the office staff.

either way...unprofessional and ridiculous.

ugh

anyway, i'm seeing another doctor now and she's great. only problem is, she's thirty minutes away.

i'm not worried about it..it's worth it.

work still sucks, and we're getting more and more volume....people were double parked on friday! insanity.

i'm tired. and tired of the bullshit.

the end :P

so what happens when life sends you interesting?

You're generally too busy enjoying it to blog about it.

Good, bad, interesting, dull...I'm either too busy trying to take a brain picture of it or attempting to survive it to blog about it.

The wedding plans are coming along, however slowly.

June 27th is approaching with what I would consider a bizzare quickness.

I have several new gray hairs, thanks to the job and the wedding planning.

Michael and I got too wrapped up in the *wedding* to actually remember that we still appreciate each other. It was strange to realize that we hadn't actually spent more than a fraction of a second kissing for four or five months.

That situation has been rectified.

Work is absolutely horrendous, for both of us, but we still go five days a week because, let's face it, our wedding is NOT going to pay for itself.

85 days to go and I still feel like there is a LOT to get done.

Right now, Michael is atempting to iron a shirt. He's usually pretty good at it.....

but not today.


Yesterday we spent six hours in a car. We weren't even driving, just riding...and we didn't bring any entertainment.

It was a strange day and a sad one.

We ended up at Parizade's in Durham to scout it as a potential rehearsal dinner site. Let me tell you, it does not make the cut.

It was incredibly expensive, tasted terrible, and we were discriminated against based on the fact that we weren't wearing sweaters tied around our necks and didn't use half a jar of vasaline to slick our hair back before coming in.

Oh and they don't serve sweet tea, absurd, but the way they let you know is incredibly snotty.

We have another restaruant in mind that shouldn't be nearly as uptight or expensive and it's closer to the church.

Hopefully that one works out...otherwise we're back at square one.

instant karma

Just when you think you've got everything figured out, reality makes what it thinks is an important appearance and promptly corrects you. In the ass. Really hard.

I moved to the other branch...and life has been going okay. When you move in with someone and really decide to share your life with them, you also get to be very intimate with their true colors and what you will and won't tolerate.

Last Tuesday Michael and I decided to play hookie from work just because we were tired as hell of going every single day. Well, he's called out about four or five times to my one time...and I should have really strived for that perfect attendance record. Unfortunately I realize that only now.

So we lazed around for a bit, walked around shelley lake, and did a few other things that I can't really remember right off the top of my head. It wasn't the best day off I've ever spent and certainly not worth this crap.

Wednesday I went back to work but I started feeling like a big giant snot filled fever having ball of poopie around noon...and it only got worse. Wednesday night I couldn't really tell if I was just tired or if I really was getting sick. Thursday I went to work and by the time I came home, I knew this was Full Blown Sickness...I just didn't know how bad it was gonna get.

Friday morning my supervisor had a meeting with her son's teacher and then some other thing she had to go to so she was gonna be late. I called our boss and told her 'I have no problem coming in until she gets there, but as soon as she shows up, I am coming home. I have a fever and I feel pretty crappy.'

She appreciated me letting her know what was up and agreed to that plan...even though I have no paid time off left...that ran out in August [so yeah, the playing hookie thing? not such a fantastic idea...and now you're starting to see why].

Friday morning I got to work then started feeling better...but not good enough to stay. Let me put this into perspective for you: I drove 30 minutes to get to work, my supervisor showed up forty five minutes after I got there, then I drove 30 minutes back home and got undressed and into couchwear. All in all, a total waste of gas...but whatever.

Friday night through Saturday night was absolute fucking hellish torture.

Let me stop here and mention the fact that the only thing I am supposed to take to manage symptoms is tylenol. I'm not even sure that the tylenol cold variations are safe...but I went out on a limb and bought some because I sure needed it. Well, I would if it fucking worked. Anyyyywaaay....

I also got some cough syrup. That stuff is strictly on the no no list...and the reason I can't take anything but tylenol? The vasculitis. We discovered [as I'd suspected] when we got sick in Asheville that cold medicine = relapse. So. No Nyquil or any of the other stuff either. We stuck with the tylenol simply because I've not had problems as far as a reocurrance taking it for other reasons.

Anyway, because of the cold meds [most likely the cough syrup] I am now in the middle of a mild case of the shit...which sucks, but as soon as I stop taking it it should clear up in a couple weeks. Nowhere near as bad as last year [and this is actually the anniversary of that whole scare...tyvm], but still kind of scary.

Where was I? OH yeah.

Sunday we had appointmens with the pastor from the church he grew up in and another place to look around and talk about wedding stuff. We've pretty much decided to go with the church as it's fairly inexpensive [800.00 vs somewhere in the range of 1700.00 JUST for the land at the other place...which was a huge disappointment anyway] and because the carpet in the church AND the little chapel is navy blue... :)

The other place was a total bust. Not what I was expecting at all. Way out of town, over priced [the price changed somehow three times while we were there...for the same 'package'], dirty carpeting, and it was INFESTED with [at best] wasps. I really think they were hornets...but that's just me.

I also had to walk up a HUGE ASS HILL and I was sick as a fucking dog. Still had a fever, congested, heart racing just sitting around and we walked up a godamned hill...jesus christ. I felt like I was going to die.

So that place was a bust. Came home, sort of napped. The jezely christing phone rang about three times, which kept me from falling asleep. David's Bridal must have had a good fucking time selling my phone number, because every godamned vendor in the triangle has had a crack at the number. We've decided not to purchase from them simply because of that shitty business practice. Got the dress almost half off somewhere else. It will arrive in February. Yay.

Monday I stayed home because I felt shitty. Now this is three days in one pay period that I am not getting paid for. We can't really afford that. Michael is following me around with a can of lysol, which makes me feel like a fucking leper. Go me.

Tuesday I went back to work but I so did not belong there. Tuesday night, came home, went out to eat, came back home and slept.

Wednesday we had off for Veteran's day [thank you, by the way, to Dom and all the other countless human beings out there working hard to cover my slack ass and make sure nobody blows it up and giving me the peace of mind to know I can speak my mind freely on this blog :) I really do appreciate it], so we made an appointment with this place up the road to discuss prices for the reception. We liked it...and it's not going to cost us an arm and a leg. Just hope the food is good.

Haven't quite booked it yet, waiting for an open house tasting to really decide.

Wednesday night is where the trouble starts.

I could NOT go to sleep. I have this nasty hacking tickling cough that will not let up unless I sleep sitting up. I tried to sleep with Michael in the bed Wednesday night and that didn't work, so I got my ass up and came out to the couch to try and sleep. I was out here until 1 or so when he woke up and panicked because I wasn't in bed. He came out and dragged me back in bed...where I lasted a whole awesome five minutes before wetting myself [just a little bit...] from coughing so hard.

Came out here and 'slept' the rest of the night. It's really fucking hard to get a good night's sleep on this piece of shit couch, and not only because I have to sit at a 75 degree angle or higher to make the coughing stop. This piece of shit is sloped in the middle so I am constantly waking up because of hip pain. I sound like a godamned geriatric nursing home patient, but it's true.

I got about 3.5 hours of 'sleep' last night... and by 'sleep' I don't mean the good restful kind. I mean between switching sides on the couch I was not conscious of what time it was or what kind of danger I was in.

This morning Michael came and pushed on me until I woke up and then he went back to bed. Thanks for that swell wakeup, mr wonderful.

Went to work, tired as hell. I felt a little better though and was looking forward to sleeping in the bed with my fiance. I didn't know then that that was not to be.

Came home tonight...not tired ONE LITTLE BIT...but went to bed anyway. Finally dozed off around 1030. Yes...I achieved sleep in BED YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I woke up about a half hour latter coughing my pjs off.

Michael basically unceremoniously and without a second godamned thought, even though he told me he can't really sleep with me out of bed [a lie, I am almost certain], pushed me out of bed and told me to go sleep on the couch.

I cried for a while because it was very insensitive of him not to even say 'I'm sorry but it's for the best, really.'

Just a push on the knee and a 'take the blanket if you want it.'

really?

Then I 'slept' for about 45 minutes before waking up sore...then I cried some more until my nose leaked all over the couch...then said well fuck it and took the half gallon of vanilla ice cream out of the fridge and binge ate for a good 20 minutes.

So yeah..here I am on the couch...in my jacket because it's freezing in here...awake of course...but tired as hell and nearly sure that I will not be able to sleep. It's 2 in the morning and I have to go to work tomorrow. Guess whose ass is curled up nice and fucking toasty in the bedroom? Life is not fair.

Did I mention the danger I am in? We have spiders the size of my palm in here...and that's not all. Roaches the size of a small coaster.

No it is not our apartment that is causing the infestation...we're just getting the spill over...but still...to be pushed out of bed to sleep with the spiders and the roaches? That's just fucking low.

Ok. I am now either going to try to 'sleep' again or play WoW.

I am betting that before this night is over I will have leveled at least once.

What a month!

When we got back from our vacation at the beach, which was right after I posted last time, I got yanked from doing the back up senior teller job. The chick I trained to do it went behind my back and told my supervisor that I was really stressed out and she didn't think I could handle doing the job anymore. I WAS really stressed out, but it's that stressed out you get after coming back from a somewhat relaxing vacation and getting smacked in the face again with all the shitty shit that you pushed into the back of your brain while you were gone. It was nice to not have any responsibilites while we were gone and I missed just being able to chill and do whatever.

After that happened, I was told by my supervisor that she was working on getting me up to the third floor at corporate, that she was working on getting me a safe spot at the company. All it would take, she said, was the approval of one person...who is both her supervisor and the supervisor of the supervisor of the department I would be transfered to.

She said not to say anything to anyone about it. I, naturally, told Michael because hello...we live together. I didn't tell anyone else. I walked around just hoping and praying, again, that the phone would ring and that I would be getting the hell out of that branch.

A week later, the chick who yanked the job out from under me went on vacation...so I was able to fix a couple of huge mistakes that she made [even though I told her NOT to do those and how to properly handle those situations...and she could have asked ANYONE how to do that or how to handle it, she just assumed she was doing it right and didn't care so I had to go back and fix 11 days worth of work...which was really effing frustrating].

Supervisor ended up telling me bad news. Due to headcounts and budget restrictions, I was unable to be repositioned on the third floor. Bummer. MAJOR bummer.

Worse than not getting a new job, the real senior teller was coming back in a month and then, I would not have a spot to work at that branch at all.

She said, however, that she could really use my help at another branch. The branch I was working at at the time is about a mile and a half from home. The branch she needed me at is about 15 miles and three major highway interchanges away.

I gave it some thought and headed over there to check it out for a week or so.

I ended up staying over there because, while it costs me about a hundred dollars in gas every month, the people are friendly and they don't hate me.

So now I work in a tiny branch, but I am super super busy all the time now. From 1-3 is the time I get to kind of chill out and think, and even then I'm at lunch from 2-3 so that's an hour of chill out time right there.

The rest of the day is go go go ... all cylinders, full steam ahead.

I leave at 730 and don't get home until 645. Before, I used to see Michael for lunch every day, now I don't. I have to drive with a lot of assholes who ignore everyone else on the road. The two huge roads I have to travel ALWAYS have accidents on them...because they're 440 and highway 40.

Those are the only problems I have with the job right now.

And then there was yesterday. Oh my god.

But lets back up a bit.

A month or so ago I started bugging Michael about his tires. He hemmed and hawed about it, promising to get it done by the end of the year. Then we decided that we needed matching nightstands, but wanted to by them unfinished to make it sort of a project for our anniversary. We bought the nightstands in Durham since all the unfinished furniture stores in Raleigh are now closed. Go figure.

Sanding was a pain in the ass, then the color of stain we picked out wasn't the color that showed up on the wood because the wood is poplar and not maple....so it's really really dark brown, almost a chocolate color, instead of brown with a redish tint, which is what it says on the can.

Whatever, we can live with that.

Those were supposed to take anywhere between five and seven hours to dry. They took three days. We left them out for nine hours in the sun and they weren't dry. Instead of leaving them out on the patio as I had suggested [because this is a relatively theft free part of town], Michael wanted them inside.

That was a mistake as it really hurt both of us. The fumes were just noxious beyond belief...and for three days had a chance to build up in the apartment.

They finally dried though. Somewhere along the way we realized that the top of one of them wasn't as dark as the other and that we needed to put another light coat on it.

The Tuesday after we stained these things, I started work at the new branch. I called Michael on the way home. His brother had up and vanished on Sunday night around 11 and hadn't been in contact with his parents at all.

His brother has some mental problems and,as a result, is now permanently living with his parents in Durham.

So the search began. They filed a missing person's report, and that led to the discovery of a couple of things. He had turned up in New Bern, which is 2.5 hours away from Raleigh, and had been arrested for drug posession. He was arrested because somewhere along the way, he had emptied his pockets completely of his ID, wallet, cell phone and keys, his glasses and his GPS were also missing...so the drugs they found him with were his prescriptions, but without an ID they couldn't say they were his.

His parents went to get him but by the time they showed up at the police station [a three hour drive for them because they live in Durham], he had up and vanished again. On the way back from New Bern, he called again and his mom said that she would just come get him on the following Saturday.

Well, this is Wednesday so he's homeless and carless and can't get into the local shelter without an ID. He sleeps in the woods Tuesday night and Wednesday night. He is also off his meds now.

Michael and his other brother both questioned the decision and the intelligence of it, seeing as he's mentally unstable and leaving him homeless and picking him up on Saturday would just be a disaster...he would probably have gone completely crazy and hurt his parents...because he does have violent tendancies.

While they were in New Bern, they had his car towed to the local Honda dealership so they could make a new key for it and they would just drive it home later.

Both Michael and his other brother urged their parents to pick their brother up at the next available opportunity ...which was the next day, as it happens. He called back and they told him they would be there as soon as they could after work.

His mom had called the shelter and explained the situation to the owner, who admitted his brother without an ID, so they knew where he was.

Well, on the way to get him the police station and the shelter were calling them non stop because he went crazy again...wandering around naked going through people's lockers.

His parents got there and he claimed not to recognize them. They had him taken to the hospital where they did a psych eval. He totally failed, so he was in the process of being committed [for the second time] while they were on their way home. They didn't get home until almost 2 a.m.

That was Thursday night. That whole week, Michael was so worried and so upset...we were both worried...and we ended up stressing out completely. Him over his brother, me over his brother and his poor family [in three months his mother has had major back surgery, his dad has had four brain surgeries, and now this].

Saturday we went ot pick up the car in New Bern. We drove six hours that day, then one of our neighbors is moving so we went to hang out with him and a couple other people...that ended poorly. Our moving neighbor threw a fit and peeled out of the parking lot. There is still a lot of drama going on about that...and we're so drama soaked by now, it's insane!!!! Way too much to deal with.

This week, Michael's car died again. It died back in February and the gas station across the street, which also boasts a garage, took it in and diagnosed it as an alternator failure. They installed a referbished alternator and guess what, it broke in seven months. They screwed him over in the price in the first place, he paid around 200.00 in labor...but they ended up replacing it for free because the alternator had a year warranty on it...which isn't what the reciept said, it only said 6 months...in which case, we would have been out 500 more bucks. That was Thursday.

Friday I got harrassed by someone from some weird telemarketing company who was a total asshole and just wanted to mentally fuck me over for his own amusement. I don't even know why he was calling because all he did was attack me on a very personal level for about five minutes while I repeatedly told him to stop calling me because they'd been calling me for three days straight unceasingly. Last week I got a call from some limo service congratulating me on my upcoming nuputals. The only company I've given my phone number to has been David's Bridal, so they must have sold it. THAT really pisses me off, enough to get my dress from somewhere else entirely. FUCK David's Bridal. Oh yeah, I tried on a wedding dress. Michael was really excited.

Yesterday Michael decided to get tires...finally. He asked me if I remembered where that discount tire place was and I said no, that he should look it up on the internet before we left. Well guess what, he didn't. He was sitting in front of the computer messing around with his guitar instead.

I ended up forgetting my phone, and off we went. He lost me and I got pissed off because the whole morning we'd been driving around in circles looking for this discount tire place that he was SUPPOSED TO LOOK UP...but didn't.

Anyway, he lost me and I had no idea where he was because I didn't have a phone. I was more pissed off at myself but when someone is following me, I keep tabs on them almost to the point of obsession. I never let them get lost!

I came home and I was furious. When he finally showed up back home, I followed him to a place and when he got in the car, he wanted to get something to eat. I've had a few really bad tummy days in a row, so I hadn't eaten dinner the night before. I was kind of hungry. I asked him where he wanted to go and he said 'fuck it, let's just go home. I don't want to sit here and get yelled at all day.'

What the HELL? I didn't yell at him! But whatever. I dropped him off at home and promptly left. Didn't even say a word to him. We still have his brother's car so it's not like he couldn't go anywhere.

I jumped back into the car and headed to moms. Stayed there for a couple hours. He called twice, I didn't answer either time.

To make matters worse, yesterday was the day of the concert that we'd been waiting for for SIX months. I bought those tickets in March [then was a victim of credit card fraud .... of course], and it was finally October 3rd, and we were feuding goddamnit to hell and back.

Mom was like 'either call him and make up or go get your stuff and move back in.'

I went home.

We sort of talked. I'm still kind of ill about it, but whatever. Mostly my fault anyway, but he should have looked up the fucking address like I told him to so we wouldn't have to drive all over creation for two hours looking for somewhere to get tires.

I think most of the reason I got so upset was because it's just been a shitty month and it's been very stressful. I bottle everything up until I just can't take it anymore and bam. Pissed off Jenn.

I haven't been that angry in a long time. The last time I remember being that angry was when I was yelling at my step dad five or six years ago.

Anyway.

I got home, we talked, we were tired, so we tried to take a nap.

The phone rang. It was the tire place with a question or two. Silence for 15 mintues. My phone rang. Most likely mom trying to see if I was ok. Silence for another 20 minutes.

His phone rang again. His car was done. So...no nap.

We picked it up and got it home. Guess what? He asked for Cobra tires. They put three Shadow tires on his car and one Milut Mile tire. What the fuck is that? They thought he wouldn't notice. OK so he calls them and complains.

He has to bring the car back AGAIN today for them to put a different tire on...when they should have just put four of the same tire on anyway. Jesus Christ.

So we went to the concert. The whole time Michael says 'wow wouldn't it be cool if we had those seats?'

And now I am like 'what the hell? I paid 250.00 for two GA field tickets when I was practically BROKE and he'd rahter sit in a seat that's twice as expensive...and he has the fucking nerve to SAY that to me after today?!'

So I was pissed at that.

Then the concert started. It's a U2 concert, that's why there were a zillion people there and the tickets were so damn expensive. We don't give a flying rip about U2, we just want to see Muse, who are their opening act. We expected them to play for an hour. They played for 45 minutes. Those 45 mintues went by in a blink.

They started off with their new single 'Uprising,' followed by 'Map of the Problematique [which is insane for them to play live],' then 'Undisclosed Desires [another new one],' then they played 'Hysteria,' and I was COMPLETELY JAMMIN OUT! I absolutely love love love that song!!!! AAAAAHH!!! then'Unnatural Selection [new],' and they ended with 'Our Time is Running Out.' That was a little on the nose, but it was an ok mix of past and present. I just wish they'd played longer.

Went to Red Lobster for dinner, then came home and I had tummy problems. 45 minutes in the bathroom, then bam...out like a light.

Today Michael is going to work for an hour, then taking his car to the garage to get that inferior tire [which we think came off of some other customer's car because when he called to complain the manager said 'we don't even cary that, I dont' know where it came from], then we're going to the grocery store and the ace hardaware store to buy some clear coat for the furniture. I can't wait until these things are finally in our bedroom. Life will be so much less cluttered.

Wow, did you know this is five pages in word? That is insane. I guess I run off a little at the mouth when I don't blog for a while.

blarg

ok so the prep wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. it basically felt like, and this is disgusting but true, i was peeing out of my booty. gross.

the drinking of the stuff was bad for sure and i don't understand for the life of me why it can't taste better.

i am grateful though that i read up a bunch about what to expect for the prep, otherwise i wouldn't not have known to purchase vasaline...which was a booty saver! i think perhaps some diaper rash cream or hemorrhoid cream would have worked better, but the vasaline was cheaper by far and served its purpose. by the end of the prep yesterday morning, i was no longer passing waste, just stomach bile...and that hurts :(

so i got there and the lady at reception gave me release forms saying i understood that i could die, yadda yadda, and also asked me if i had a living will [and i remembered at that point that they had also asked my mother the same thing when she came for her endoscopy] and i said no.

got undressed and dressed in a really uncomfortable stupid gown type thing, got asked a bunch of questions, then sat in a bed for an hour and waited and waited to be taken back. they were running behind i guess. that was not a joke, but it was kind of funny haha.

i got in there and they turned out the lights, made me roll over on my left side, put an absorbent pad under my bum and gave me a huge syringe full of what dr. oloughlin called the 'michael jackson' drugs...i don't remember what they were, but damn.

my hand started burning, because that's where they had to put the iv, then my wrist started aching like it was broken and then my face felt like it was on fire. i said 'wow they did not tell me about this...my face feels like it's on fire!' and the anesthesiologist said 'that is normal, goodnight.' and the next thing i knew, i was waking up in recovery.

apparently there is nothing visibly wrong with me. i don't have any polyps or any evidence of coeliac or colitis or cancer or diverticular disease...so i am guessing it's just irritable bowel syndrome. dr oloughlin said that he thought that perhaps cleaning me out like the prep did would help a little with that, since now all that bad bacteria is out of my system.

he said take it easy, blah blah, nothing greasy to eat, gave the ok for quiznos [woop woop!] and that was basically it. i got some lovely pictures of my colon. i DO however, have a couple hemorrhoids. dr oloughlin said just about everyone does. they just looked like bruises in the picture...i don't actually know what they are, but hey.

OH and right after the nurse woke me up, she pushed on my tummy and i said 'i really wish you hadn't done that' and i farted really really loudly and then covered my face with my hand in embarrassment. she said 'oh, don't worry, that happens...it's ok. it's just the air they put in you.'

then i had the chat with dr oloughlin, then michael came around the corner. i was smiling because i was just so happy to be alive. he smiled HUGE when he saw me smiling, and then my eyes started leaking...because i have some weird reaction to anesthesia...it always makes me cry or something...weird.

anywho, got dressed, got walked out, ate some quiznos and michael and i talked a little bit. he said when they called him back to recovery they called him mr. stone and said 'your wife is ready.' he said he liked that....not being called mr. stone, but that they assumed we were married [even though it clearly states that he is my boyfriend on the form i filled out, which also has his phone number on it and they asked me for it instead...retards].

he did take a couple of biopsies and we should have the results in a week or two, but otherwise, i was worried for nothing.

we are leaving for myrtle beach in two hours or so. YAY!

I'm scared to face another day

I love Michael...but sometimes I just don't understand how he operates.

I cannot be turned on and off like a light switch and he seems to resent me for that. I try my best sometimes, but he doesn't want that either it seems.

I just don't know.

Today is going to be the second day ever we walk out of this house and go to work without saying 'i love you.'

I hate that. I absolutely do.

I don't want this little spat to be the end of our relationship...it's not fair to me. I can't do it every single night.

Adding insult to injury, today is the first day of the liquid diet...to continue through tomorrow and until around 330 on Friday. I am going to be hungry at some point, I'm sure.

But oh well, I'll just feed my tummy gatorade and green tea until I am full again.

I don't even really give a damn about the liquid diet....

I am really quite sad at the moment because I am afraid he will just end things out of nowhere over this thing.