Here's what's happening now: Michael and I have been looking into what it takes to buy a house nowadays. You can get 100% financing, but it'll cost you in the monthly payment. We're going to have to either set our sights considerably lower or get a lot of money before we buy.
That is depressing....because neither one of us can really stand to live in our apartment much longer. Our upstairs neighbors are the *worst* neighbors ever to exist. They are VERY loud all of the time, they have a toddler and a newborn...and they get up at 11 p.m. God knows why. They scream at each other at least three times a week and, at least before the baby came, they partied until 2 a.m. sometimes on weeknights. They throw their trash over their balcony, which ends up on our patio, and don't clean it up. I think the other night they were throwing furniture at each other.
But this is what I really came here to say... And it's really sad, because I have no friends to talk to about this kind of stuff. My mom is useless...always offering 'well I don't know what to tell you,' as advice.
I don't know if you're reading this, Cass, but I wonder if you noticed when we were getting married that Michael spent a lot of time looking at the *floor* instead of at *me,* particularly while I was reciting my vows to him. I felt like I was being ignored or that what I had to say was not important to him.
I said something offhand about it last night and he said 'every time I looked at you, I was tearing up, and I didn't want everyone to see me crying.' And then he got really sulky and wouldn't talk to me. Then he said a bunch of stuff along the lines of 'I'm sorry you think it was such a disaster.' He kept saying shit like that and I finally said 'I didn't say any of that.' He said 'you just hurt my feelings telling me that it frustrated you that I didn't look at you, I've told you why a thousand times.' And that was that.
I didn't say anything else because I didn't want to be awake all night talking about it. I have important things to do today and I had told him that I needed to get to sleep early yesterday morning because I needed to be totally here at work today.
Of course, no dice.
So I'm laying there, trying to sleep...but of course you can't sleep after a 'discussion' like that. So I ended up getting around four hours of broken sleep.
While I was trying to go to sleep, I was thinking it over. Every time I say something and try to get him to understand my point of view and he doesn't like it, he turns it into some bigger thing. I do that sometimes, too...and I know I do, which is why I don't want to talk about it when I get upset about something....I will end up saying something I regret. I need time to process things.
What I wanted to make him understand, and of course I can't now and never will because I never said anything about it last night, is this:
All those other people in the room? They weren't getting married. WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK!
If you cared what they thought, and you thought it would be negative, why did you invite them?
I didn't give a rip if people saw me cry...in fact there are several pictures where I look like a total retard trying *not to,* but that was only because I didn't want to ruin my makeup. Like an idiot, I didn't bring my makeup bag to the church....duh.
Why is it so important to him what other people think all the time!? He always says stuff like that. For example, back when the vasculitis flared again I was taking prednisone [fan fucking tastic...hooray! I really love that stuff, yaknow...], and I needed to break up a pill to take the correct doseage [we all know how important that is, right? ok good]. We happened to be at a restaurant at the time. I have the prescription bottle out on the table and am trying to break a pill in half and suddenly, he goes ballistic! You'd think I was doing lines of cocaine at the table or something 'Put that stuff away! People are going to think you're a crackhead!'
Um hello, the bottle is on the table...and I really don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about it, I just want to take the doseage at the correct time and before my food gets here.
I told him all of that, but he still persisted. 'It just looks bad.' We argued about it, got a little loud...whatever. Because he made me feel like a stupid child....which he does often.
So what is more attention drawing; some lady trying to break a pill in half that she obviously needs to take, or yelling at each other in a crowded restaurant?
I just don't get it. Sometimes I think he's ashamed to be seen with me.