Future self forgive this mess

blog from work. how awesome is that?

2011-04-13T11:01:00.004-04:00

I know most people won't appreciate the fact that I am currently posting from work, but I certainly do.

Here's what's happening now: Michael and I have been looking into what it takes to buy a house nowadays. You can get 100% financing, but it'll cost you in the monthly payment. We're going to have to either set our sights considerably lower or get a lot of money before we buy.

That is depressing....because neither one of us can really stand to live in our apartment much longer. Our upstairs neighbors are the *worst* neighbors ever to exist. They are VERY loud all of the time, they have a toddler and a newborn...and they get up at 11 p.m. God knows why. They scream at each other at least three times a week and, at least before the baby came, they partied until 2 a.m. sometimes on weeknights. They throw their trash over their balcony, which ends up on our patio, and don't clean it up. I think the other night they were throwing furniture at each other.

But this is what I really came here to say... And it's really sad, because I have no friends to talk to about this kind of stuff. My mom is useless...always offering 'well I don't know what to tell you,' as advice.

I don't know if you're reading this, Cass, but I wonder if you noticed when we were getting married that Michael spent a lot of time looking at the *floor* instead of at *me,* particularly while I was reciting my vows to him. I felt like I was being ignored or that what I had to say was not important to him.

I said something offhand about it last night and he said 'every time I looked at you, I was tearing up, and I didn't want everyone to see me crying.' And then he got really sulky and wouldn't talk to me. Then he said a bunch of stuff along the lines of 'I'm sorry you think it was such a disaster.' He kept saying shit like that and I finally said 'I didn't say any of that.' He said 'you just hurt my feelings telling me that it frustrated you that I didn't look at you, I've told you why a thousand times.' And that was that.

I didn't say anything else because I didn't want to be awake all night talking about it. I have important things to do today and I had told him that I needed to get to sleep early yesterday morning because I needed to be totally here at work today.

Of course, no dice.

So I'm laying there, trying to sleep...but of course you can't sleep after a 'discussion' like that. So I ended up getting around four hours of broken sleep.

While I was trying to go to sleep, I was thinking it over. Every time I say something and try to get him to understand my point of view and he doesn't like it, he turns it into some bigger thing. I do that sometimes, too...and I know I do, which is why I don't want to talk about it when I get upset about something....I will end up saying something I regret. I need time to process things.

What I wanted to make him understand, and of course I can't now and never will because I never said anything about it last night, is this:

All those other people in the room? They weren't getting married. WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK!

If you cared what they thought, and you thought it would be negative, why did you invite them?

I didn't give a rip if people saw me cry...in fact there are several pictures where I look like a total retard trying *not to,* but that was only because I didn't want to ruin my makeup. Like an idiot, I didn't bring my makeup bag to the church....duh.

Why is it so important to him what other people think all the time!? He always says stuff like that. For example, back when the vasculitis flared again I was taking prednisone [fan fucking tastic...hooray! I really love that stuff, yaknow...], and I needed to break up a pill to take the correct doseage [we all know how important that is, right? ok good]. We happened to be at a restaurant at the time. I have the prescription bottle out on the table and am trying to break a pill in half and suddenly, he goes ballistic! You'd think I was doing lines of cocaine at the table or something 'Put that stuff away! People are going to think you're a crackhead!'

Um hello, the bottle is on the table...and I really don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about it, I just want to take the doseage at the correct time and before my food gets here.

I told him all of that, but he still persisted. 'It just looks bad.' We argued about it, got a little loud...whatever. Because he made me feel like a stupid child....which he does often.

So what is more attention drawing; some lady trying to break a pill in half that she obviously needs to take, or yelling at each other in a crowded restaurant?

I just don't get it. Sometimes I think he's ashamed to be seen with me.

meh

2010-11-14T16:33:00.002-05:00

i'm bad at interesting titles. i just don't have the energy for it.

yay i'm married :)

YAY my MoH is having another baby :)

and yeah, i'm jealous. i know pregnancy isn't the most awesome thing ever...but i'd like to experience it for myself.

for now though, i'll have to wait until we have enough money for a baby.

in other news, the vasculitis is flaring yet again..and has been since august. it will not go away and i don't know why.

i can't afford to see the specialist anymore because our insurance sucks hugely now, so i tried to go to a family doctor. i was armed with my entire medical record for the vasculitis.

i ended up having a terrible experience. find the short version here = http://maps.google.com/maps/place?hl=en&expIds=25657,27026,27031,27032,27035,27039,27042,27404,27601&sugexp=ldymls&xhr=t&cp=9&wrapid=tljp1289770711448010&um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=med+one+medical+group+raleigh+nc&fb=1&gl=us&hq=med+one+medical+group&hnear=Raleigh,+NC&cid=13550366950102425464&ei=01bgTPvZJoWBlAfTyfm4Aw&sa=X&oi=local_result&ct=placepage-link&resnum=1&sqi=2&ved=0CBcQ4gkwAA

it's the first one now, it was done in october originally...but i updated it.

also...i don't know who it was that reviewed it after me...but i am seriously suspicious that it was my doctor. anyway, the back and forth should tell you a little about the place.

yeah, i was contacted by the doctor after i posted the review. i, stupidly, thought it was medically related ... since why the hell else would a doctor contact me, right? she proceeded to berate me for my 'hurtful words on the internet.' ok, my review was bad...but it was honest. that is why i reviewed it, so that people would avoid the practice if they had more than a head cold or the flu.

anyway, either way the other reviewer has either been talking about me with the doctor, or it is the doctor, or it's one of the office staff.

either way...unprofessional and ridiculous.

ugh

anyway, i'm seeing another doctor now and she's great. only problem is, she's thirty minutes away.

i'm not worried about it..it's worth it.

work still sucks, and we're getting more and more volume....people were double parked on friday! insanity.

i'm tired. and tired of the bullshit.

the end :P

so what happens when life sends you interesting?

2010-04-04T09:48:00.002-04:00

You're generally too busy enjoying it to blog about it.

Good, bad, interesting, dull...I'm either too busy trying to take a brain picture of it or attempting to survive it to blog about it.

The wedding plans are coming along, however slowly.

June 27th is approaching with what I would consider a bizzare quickness.

I have several new gray hairs, thanks to the job and the wedding planning.

Michael and I got too wrapped up in the *wedding* to actually remember that we still appreciate each other. It was strange to realize that we hadn't actually spent more than a fraction of a second kissing for four or five months.

That situation has been rectified.

Work is absolutely horrendous, for both of us, but we still go five days a week because, let's face it, our wedding is NOT going to pay for itself.

85 days to go and I still feel like there is a LOT to get done.

Right now, Michael is atempting to iron a shirt. He's usually pretty good at it.....

but not today.

Yesterday we spent six hours in a car. We weren't even driving, just riding...and we didn't bring any entertainment.

It was a strange day and a sad one.

We ended up at Parizade's in Durham to scout it as a potential rehearsal dinner site. Let me tell you, it does not make the cut.

It was incredibly expensive, tasted terrible, and we were discriminated against based on the fact that we weren't wearing sweaters tied around our necks and didn't use half a jar of vasaline to slick our hair back before coming in.

Oh and they don't serve sweet tea, absurd, but the way they let you know is incredibly snotty.

We have another restaruant in mind that shouldn't be nearly as uptight or expensive and it's closer to the church.

Hopefully that one works out...otherwise we're back at square one.

instant karma

2009-11-13T01:36:00.004-05:00

Just when you think you've got everything figured out, reality makes what it thinks is an important appearance and promptly corrects you. In the ass. Really hard.

I moved to the other branch...and life has been going okay. When you move in with someone and really decide to share your life with them, you also get to be very intimate with their true colors and what you will and won't tolerate.

Last Tuesday Michael and I decided to play hookie from work just because we were tired as hell of going every single day. Well, he's called out about four or five times to my one time...and I should have really strived for that perfect attendance record. Unfortunately I realize that only now.

So we lazed around for a bit, walked around shelley lake, and did a few other things that I can't really remember right off the top of my head. It wasn't the best day off I've ever spent and certainly not worth this crap.

Wednesday I went back to work but I started feeling like a big giant snot filled fever having ball of poopie around noon...and it only got worse. Wednesday night I couldn't really tell if I was just tired or if I really was getting sick. Thursday I went to work and by the time I came home, I knew this was Full Blown Sickness...I just didn't know how bad it was gonna get.

Friday morning my supervisor had a meeting with her son's teacher and then some other thing she had to go to so she was gonna be late. I called our boss and told her 'I have no problem coming in until she gets there, but as soon as she shows up, I am coming home. I have a fever and I feel pretty crappy.'

She appreciated me letting her know what was up and agreed to that plan...even though I have no paid time off left...that ran out in August [so yeah, the playing hookie thing? not such a fantastic idea...and now you're starting to see why].

Friday morning I got to work then started feeling better...but not good enough to stay. Let me put this into perspective for you: I drove 30 minutes to get to work, my supervisor showed up forty five minutes after I got there, then I drove 30 minutes back home and got undressed and into couchwear. All in all, a total waste of gas...but whatever.

Friday night through Saturday night was absolute fucking hellish torture.

Let me stop here and mention the fact that the only thing I am supposed to take to manage symptoms is tylenol. I'm not even sure that the tylenol cold variations are safe...but I went out on a limb and bought some because I sure needed it. Well, I would if it fucking worked. Anyyyywaaay....

I also got some cough syrup. That stuff is strictly on the no no list...and the reason I can't take anything but tylenol? The vasculitis. We discovered [as I'd suspected] when we got sick in Asheville that cold medicine = relapse. So. No Nyquil or any of the other stuff either. We stuck with the tylenol simply because I've not had problems as far as a reocurrance taking it for other reasons.

Anyway, because of the cold meds [most likely the cough syrup] I am now in the middle of a mild case of the shit...which sucks, but as soon as I stop taking it it should clear up in a couple weeks. Nowhere near as bad as last year [and this is actually the anniversary of that whole scare...tyvm], but still kind of scary.

Where was I? OH yeah.

Sunday we had appointmens with the pastor from the church he grew up in and another place to look around and talk about wedding stuff. We've pretty much decided to go with the church as it's fairly inexpensive [800.00 vs somewhere in the range of 1700.00 JUST for the land at the other place...which was a huge disappointment anyway] and because the carpet in the church AND the little chapel is navy blue... :)

The other place was a total bust. Not what I was expecting at all. Way out of town, over priced [the price changed somehow three times while we were there...for the same 'package'], dirty carpeting, and it was INFESTED with [at best] wasps. I really think they were hornets...but that's just me.

I also had to walk up a HUGE ASS HILL and I was sick as a fucking dog. Still had a fever, congested, heart racing just sitting around and we walked up a godamned hill...jesus christ. I felt like I was going to die.

So that place was a bust. Came home, sort of napped. The jezely christing phone rang about three times, which kept me from falling asleep. David's Bridal must have had a good fucking time selling my phone number, because every godamned vendor in the triangle has had a crack at the number. We've decided not to purchase from them simply because of that shitty business practice. Got the dress almost half off somewhere else. It will arrive in February. Yay.

Monday I stayed home because I felt shitty. Now this is three days in one pay period that I am not getting paid for. We can't really afford that. Michael is following me around with a can of lysol, which makes me feel like a fucking leper. Go me.

Tuesday I went back to work but I so did not belong there. Tuesday night, came home, went out to eat, came back home and slept.

Wednesday we had off for Veteran's day [thank you, by the way, to Dom and all the other countless human beings out there working hard to cover my slack ass and make sure nobody blows it up and giving me the peace of mind to know I can speak my mind freely on this blog :) I really do appreciate it], so we made an appointment with this place up the road to discuss prices for the reception. We liked it...and it's not going to cost us an arm and a leg. Just hope the food is good.

Haven't quite booked it yet, waiting for an open house tasting to really decide.

Wednesday night is where the trouble starts.

I could NOT go to sleep. I have this nasty hacking tickling cough that will not let up unless I sleep sitting up. I tried to sleep with Michael in the bed Wednesday night and that didn't work, so I got my ass up and came out to the couch to try and sleep. I was out here until 1 or so when he woke up and panicked because I wasn't in bed. He came out and dragged me back in bed...where I lasted a whole awesome five minutes before wetting myself [just a little bit...] from coughing so hard.

Came out here and 'slept' the rest of the night. It's really fucking hard to get a good night's sleep on this piece of shit couch, and not only because I have to sit at a 75 degree angle or higher to make the coughing stop. This piece of shit is sloped in the middle so I am constantly waking up because of hip pain. I sound like a godamned geriatric nursing home patient, but it's true.

I got about 3.5 hours of 'sleep' last night... and by 'sleep' I don't mean the good restful kind. I mean between switching sides on the couch I was not conscious of what time it was or what kind of danger I was in.

This morning Michael came and pushed on me until I woke up and then he went back to bed. Thanks for that swell wakeup, mr wonderful.

Went to work, tired as hell. I felt a little better though and was looking forward to sleeping in the bed with my fiance. I didn't know then that that was not to be.

Came home tonight...not tired ONE LITTLE BIT...but went to bed anyway. Finally dozed off around 1030. Yes...I achieved sleep in BED YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I woke up about a half hour latter coughing my pjs off.

Michael basically unceremoniously and without a second godamned thought, even though he told me he can't really sleep with me out of bed [a lie, I am almost certain], pushed me out of bed and told me to go sleep on the couch.

I cried for a while because it was very insensitive of him not to even say 'I'm sorry but it's for the best, really.'

Just a push on the knee and a 'take the blanket if you want it.'

really?

Then I 'slept' for about 45 minutes before waking up sore...then I cried some more until my nose leaked all over the couch...then said well fuck it and took the half gallon of vanilla ice cream out of the fridge and binge ate for a good 20 minutes.

So yeah..here I am on the couch...in my jacket because it's freezing in here...awake of course...but tired as hell and nearly sure that I will not be able to sleep. It's 2 in the morning and I have to go to work tomorrow. Guess whose ass is curled up nice and fucking toasty in the bedroom? Life is not fair.

Did I mention the danger I am in? We have spiders the size of my palm in here...and that's not all. Roaches the size of a small coaster.

No it is not our apartment that is causing the infestation...we're just getting the spill over...but still...to be pushed out of bed to sleep with the spiders and the roaches? That's just fucking low.

Ok. I am now either going to try to 'sleep' again or play WoW.

I am betting that before this night is over I will have leveled at least once.

What a month!

2009-10-04T08:06:00.002-04:00

When we got back from our vacation at the beach, which was right after I posted last time, I got yanked from doing the back up senior teller job. The chick I trained to do it went behind my back and told my supervisor that I was really stressed out and she didn't think I could handle doing the job anymore. I WAS really stressed out, but it's that stressed out you get after coming back from a somewhat relaxing vacation and getting smacked in the face again with all the shitty shit that you pushed into the back of your brain while you were gone. It was nice to not have any responsibilites while we were gone and I missed just being able to chill and do whatever.

After that happened, I was told by my supervisor that she was working on getting me up to the third floor at corporate, that she was working on getting me a safe spot at the company. All it would take, she said, was the approval of one person...who is both her supervisor and the supervisor of the supervisor of the department I would be transfered to.

She said not to say anything to anyone about it. I, naturally, told Michael because hello...we live together. I didn't tell anyone else. I walked around just hoping and praying, again, that the phone would ring and that I would be getting the hell out of that branch.

A week later, the chick who yanked the job out from under me went on vacation...so I was able to fix a couple of huge mistakes that she made [even though I told her NOT to do those and how to properly handle those situations...and she could have asked ANYONE how to do that or how to handle it, she just assumed she was doing it right and didn't care so I had to go back and fix 11 days worth of work...which was really effing frustrating].

Supervisor ended up telling me bad news. Due to headcounts and budget restrictions, I was unable to be repositioned on the third floor. Bummer. MAJOR bummer.

Worse than not getting a new job, the real senior teller was coming back in a month and then, I would not have a spot to work at that branch at all.

She said, however, that she could really use my help at another branch. The branch I was working at at the time is about a mile and a half from home. The branch she needed me at is about 15 miles and three major highway interchanges away.

I gave it some thought and headed over there to check it out for a week or so.

I ended up staying over there because, while it costs me about a hundred dollars in gas every month, the people are friendly and they don't hate me.

So now I work in a tiny branch, but I am super super busy all the time now. From 1-3 is the time I get to kind of chill out and think, and even then I'm at lunch from 2-3 so that's an hour of chill out time right there.

The rest of the day is go go go ... all cylinders, full steam ahead.

I leave at 730 and don't get home until 645. Before, I used to see Michael for lunch every day, now I don't. I have to drive with a lot of assholes who ignore everyone else on the road. The two huge roads I have to travel ALWAYS have accidents on them...because they're 440 and highway 40.

Those are the only problems I have with the job right now.

And then there was yesterday. Oh my god.

But lets back up a bit.

A month or so ago I started bugging Michael about his tires. He hemmed and hawed about it, promising to get it done by the end of the year. Then we decided that we needed matching nightstands, but wanted to by them unfinished to make it sort of a project for our anniversary. We bought the nightstands in Durham since all the unfinished furniture stores in Raleigh are now closed. Go figure.

Sanding was a pain in the ass, then the color of stain we picked out wasn't the color that showed up on the wood because the wood is poplar and not maple....so it's really really dark brown, almost a chocolate color, instead of brown with a redish tint, which is what it says on the can.

Whatever, we can live with that.

Those were supposed to take anywhere between five and seven hours to dry. They took three days. We left them out for nine hours in the sun and they weren't dry. Instead of leaving them out on the patio as I had suggested [because this is a relatively theft free part of town], Michael wanted them inside.

That was a mistake as it really hurt both of us. The fumes were just noxious beyond belief...and for three days had a chance to build up in the apartment.

They finally dried though. Somewhere along the way we realized that the top of one of them wasn't as dark as the other and that we needed to put another light coat on it.

The Tuesday after we stained these things, I started work at the new branch. I called Michael on the way home. His brother had up and vanished on Sunday night around 11 and hadn't been in contact with his parents at all.

His brother has some mental problems and,as a result, is now permanently living with his parents in Durham.

So the search began. They filed a missing person's report, and that led to the discovery of a couple of things. He had turned up in New Bern, which is 2.5 hours away from Raleigh, and had been arrested for drug posession. He was arrested because somewhere along the way, he had emptied his pockets completely of his ID, wallet, cell phone and keys, his glasses and his GPS were also missing...so the drugs they found him with were his prescriptions, but without an ID they couldn't say they were his.

His parents went to get him but by the time they showed up at the police station [a three hour drive for them because they live in Durham], he had up and vanished again. On the way back from New Bern, he called again and his mom said that she would just come get him on the following Saturday.

Well, this is Wednesday so he's homeless and carless and can't get into the local shelter without an ID. He sleeps in the woods Tuesday night and Wednesday night. He is also off his meds now.

Michael and his other brother both questioned the decision and the intelligence of it, seeing as he's mentally unstable and leaving him homeless and picking him up on Saturday would just be a disaster...he would probably have gone completely crazy and hurt his parents...because he does have violent tendancies.

While they were in New Bern, they had his car towed to the local Honda dealership so they could make a new key for it and they would just drive it home later.

Both Michael and his other brother urged their parents to pick their brother up at the next available opportunity ...which was the next day, as it happens. He called back and they told him they would be there as soon as they could after work.

His mom had called the shelter and explained the situation to the owner, who admitted his brother without an ID, so they knew where he was.

Well, on the way to get him the police station and the shelter were calling them non stop because he went crazy again...wandering around naked going through people's lockers.

His parents got there and he claimed not to recognize them. They had him taken to the hospital where they did a psych eval. He totally failed, so he was in the process of being committed [for the second time] while they were on their way home. They didn't get home until almost 2 a.m.

That was Thursday night. That whole week, Michael was so worried and so upset...we were both worried...and we ended up stressing out completely. Him over his brother, me over his brother and his poor family [in three months his mother has had major back surgery, his dad has had four brain surgeries, and now this].

Saturday we went ot pick up the car in New Bern. We drove six hours that day, then one of our neighbors is moving so we went to hang out with him and a couple other people...that ended poorly. Our moving neighbor threw a fit and peeled out of the parking lot. There is still a lot of drama going on about that...and we're so drama soaked by now, it's insane!!!! Way too much to deal with.

This week, Michael's car died again. It died back in February and the gas station across the street, which also boasts a garage, took it in and diagnosed it as an alternator failure. They installed a referbished alternator and guess what, it broke in seven months. They screwed him over in the price in the first place, he paid around 200.00 in labor...but they ended up replacing it for free because the alternator had a year warranty on it...which isn't what the reciept said, it only said 6 months...in which case, we would have been out 500 more bucks. That was Thursday.

Friday I got harrassed by someone from some weird telemarketing company who was a total asshole and just wanted to mentally fuck me over for his own amusement. I don't even know why he was calling because all he did was attack me on a very personal level for about five minutes while I repeatedly told him to stop calling me because they'd been calling me for three days straight unceasingly. Last week I got a call from some limo service congratulating me on my upcoming nuputals. The only company I've given my phone number to has been David's Bridal, so they must have sold it. THAT really pisses me off, enough to get my dress from somewhere else entirely. FUCK David's Bridal. Oh yeah, I tried on a wedding dress. Michael was really excited.

Yesterday Michael decided to get tires...finally. He asked me if I remembered where that discount tire place was and I said no, that he should look it up on the internet before we left. Well guess what, he didn't. He was sitting in front of the computer messing around with his guitar instead.

I ended up forgetting my phone, and off we went. He lost me and I got pissed off because the whole morning we'd been driving around in circles looking for this discount tire place that he was SUPPOSED TO LOOK UP...but didn't.

Anyway, he lost me and I had no idea where he was because I didn't have a phone. I was more pissed off at myself but when someone is following me, I keep tabs on them almost to the point of obsession. I never let them get lost!

I came home and I was furious. When he finally showed up back home, I followed him to a place and when he got in the car, he wanted to get something to eat. I've had a few really bad tummy days in a row, so I hadn't eaten dinner the night before. I was kind of hungry. I asked him where he wanted to go and he said 'fuck it, let's just go home. I don't want to sit here and get yelled at all day.'

What the HELL? I didn't yell at him! But whatever. I dropped him off at home and promptly left. Didn't even say a word to him. We still have his brother's car so it's not like he couldn't go anywhere.

I jumped back into the car and headed to moms. Stayed there for a couple hours. He called twice, I didn't answer either time.

To make matters worse, yesterday was the day of the concert that we'd been waiting for for SIX months. I bought those tickets in March [then was a victim of credit card fraud .... of course], and it was finally October 3rd, and we were feuding goddamnit to hell and back.

Mom was like 'either call him and make up or go get your stuff and move back in.'

I went home.

We sort of talked. I'm still kind of ill about it, but whatever. Mostly my fault anyway, but he should have looked up the fucking address like I told him to so we wouldn't have to drive all over creation for two hours looking for somewhere to get tires.

I think most of the reason I got so upset was because it's just been a shitty month and it's been very stressful. I bottle everything up until I just can't take it anymore and bam. Pissed off Jenn.

I haven't been that angry in a long time. The last time I remember being that angry was when I was yelling at my step dad five or six years ago.

Anyway.

I got home, we talked, we were tired, so we tried to take a nap.

The phone rang. It was the tire place with a question or two. Silence for 15 mintues. My phone rang. Most likely mom trying to see if I was ok. Silence for another 20 minutes.

His phone rang again. His car was done. So...no nap.

We picked it up and got it home. Guess what? He asked for Cobra tires. They put three Shadow tires on his car and one Milut Mile tire. What the fuck is that? They thought he wouldn't notice. OK so he calls them and complains.

He has to bring the car back AGAIN today for them to put a different tire on...when they should have just put four of the same tire on anyway. Jesus Christ.

So we went to the concert. The whole time Michael says 'wow wouldn't it be cool if we had those seats?'

And now I am like 'what the hell? I paid 250.00 for two GA field tickets when I was practically BROKE and he'd rahter sit in a seat that's twice as expensive...and he has the fucking nerve to SAY that to me after today?!'

So I was pissed at that.

Then the concert started. It's a U2 concert, that's why there were a zillion people there and the tickets were so damn expensive. We don't give a flying rip about U2, we just want to see Muse, who are their opening act. We expected them to play for an hour. They played for 45 minutes. Those 45 mintues went by in a blink.

They started off with their new single 'Uprising,' followed by 'Map of the Problematique [which is insane for them to play live],' then 'Undisclosed Desires [another new one],' then they played 'Hysteria,' and I was COMPLETELY JAMMIN OUT! I absolutely love love love that song!!!! AAAAAHH!!! then'Unnatural Selection [new],' and they ended with 'Our Time is Running Out.' That was a little on the nose, but it was an ok mix of past and present. I just wish they'd played longer.

Went to Red Lobster for dinner, then came home and I had tummy problems. 45 minutes in the bathroom, then bam...out like a light.

Today Michael is going to work for an hour, then taking his car to the garage to get that inferior tire [which we think came off of some other customer's car because when he called to complain the manager said 'we don't even cary that, I dont' know where it came from], then we're going to the grocery store and the ace hardaware store to buy some clear coat for the furniture. I can't wait until these things are finally in our bedroom. Life will be so much less cluttered.

Wow, did you know this is five pages in word? That is insane. I guess I run off a little at the mouth when I don't blog for a while.

blarg

2009-08-22T07:59:00.002-04:00

ok so the prep wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. it basically felt like, and this is disgusting but true, i was peeing out of my booty. gross.

the drinking of the stuff was bad for sure and i don't understand for the life of me why it can't taste better.

i am grateful though that i read up a bunch about what to expect for the prep, otherwise i wouldn't not have known to purchase vasaline...which was a booty saver! i think perhaps some diaper rash cream or hemorrhoid cream would have worked better, but the vasaline was cheaper by far and served its purpose. by the end of the prep yesterday morning, i was no longer passing waste, just stomach bile...and that hurts :(

so i got there and the lady at reception gave me release forms saying i understood that i could die, yadda yadda, and also asked me if i had a living will [and i remembered at that point that they had also asked my mother the same thing when she came for her endoscopy] and i said no.

got undressed and dressed in a really uncomfortable stupid gown type thing, got asked a bunch of questions, then sat in a bed for an hour and waited and waited to be taken back. they were running behind i guess. that was not a joke, but it was kind of funny haha.

i got in there and they turned out the lights, made me roll over on my left side, put an absorbent pad under my bum and gave me a huge syringe full of what dr. oloughlin called the 'michael jackson' drugs...i don't remember what they were, but damn.

my hand started burning, because that's where they had to put the iv, then my wrist started aching like it was broken and then my face felt like it was on fire. i said 'wow they did not tell me about this...my face feels like it's on fire!' and the anesthesiologist said 'that is normal, goodnight.' and the next thing i knew, i was waking up in recovery.

apparently there is nothing visibly wrong with me. i don't have any polyps or any evidence of coeliac or colitis or cancer or diverticular disease...so i am guessing it's just irritable bowel syndrome. dr oloughlin said that he thought that perhaps cleaning me out like the prep did would help a little with that, since now all that bad bacteria is out of my system.

he said take it easy, blah blah, nothing greasy to eat, gave the ok for quiznos [woop woop!] and that was basically it. i got some lovely pictures of my colon. i DO however, have a couple hemorrhoids. dr oloughlin said just about everyone does. they just looked like bruises in the picture...i don't actually know what they are, but hey.

OH and right after the nurse woke me up, she pushed on my tummy and i said 'i really wish you hadn't done that' and i farted really really loudly and then covered my face with my hand in embarrassment. she said 'oh, don't worry, that happens...it's ok. it's just the air they put in you.'

then i had the chat with dr oloughlin, then michael came around the corner. i was smiling because i was just so happy to be alive. he smiled HUGE when he saw me smiling, and then my eyes started leaking...because i have some weird reaction to anesthesia...it always makes me cry or something...weird.

anywho, got dressed, got walked out, ate some quiznos and michael and i talked a little bit. he said when they called him back to recovery they called him mr. stone and said 'your wife is ready.' he said he liked that....not being called mr. stone, but that they assumed we were married [even though it clearly states that he is my boyfriend on the form i filled out, which also has his phone number on it and they asked me for it instead...retards].

he did take a couple of biopsies and we should have the results in a week or two, but otherwise, i was worried for nothing.

we are leaving for myrtle beach in two hours or so. YAY!

I'm scared to face another day

2009-08-19T07:30:00.002-04:00

I love Michael...but sometimes I just don't understand how he operates.

I cannot be turned on and off like a light switch and he seems to resent me for that. I try my best sometimes, but he doesn't want that either it seems.

I just don't know.

Today is going to be the second day ever we walk out of this house and go to work without saying 'i love you.'

I hate that. I absolutely do.

I don't want this little spat to be the end of our relationship...it's not fair to me. I can't do it every single night.

Adding insult to injury, today is the first day of the liquid diet...to continue through tomorrow and until around 330 on Friday. I am going to be hungry at some point, I'm sure.

But oh well, I'll just feed my tummy gatorade and green tea until I am full again.

I don't even really give a damn about the liquid diet....

I am really quite sad at the moment because I am afraid he will just end things out of nowhere over this thing.

more lots and lots

2009-08-08T08:29:00.002-04:00

I got emailed yesterday about that job I interviewed for FINALLY. They decided to cancel the position. I'm not upset that they canceled it, I'm upset because it took a month and two weeks from the day I interviewd for them to tell me they decided not to go ahead and hire anyone. Whatever.

Supervisor is STILL not back. I am barely holding on to my sanity doing her job...still without adequate pay.

Michael talked me into seeing a doctor about the tummy. I went last Tuesday and they decided to schedule a colonoscopy for the 21st.

But first, they wanted a stool sample to rule out parasitic infection, so I had to poop in a container and distribute it between six different little containers. TOTALLY GROSS. They should have the results soon I hope. After looking at one of the things they were looking for in my booty treasure, I have a feeling it could be my problem, although Michael hasn't shown any signs or symptoms of infection. They were looking for [+ Giardia +]. It's possible. There's no freaking telling what the money I touch every day has on it...and when I came back to work, my imune system was completely and utterly trashed from a month's worth of prednisone...orally and topically consumed.

Gross.

I've also apparently lost 20 pounds since January. That would be a good thing if I was actually actively trying to lose weight and wasn't insulin resistant, which makes it almost completely impossible to lose weight. I could work out six times harder than the average healthy person and lose one pound for every twenty they did. It's almost unreal.

Michael's father had several brain sugeries. The fall resulted in a clot, which they cleared after two procedures, they were monitoring the fluid level in his brain and apparently it got worse so they had to go back in and drain that again, and then when they were taking the tubing out from that, they caused another bleed so they had to do a craniotomy and fix all of that. They said they had it all taken care of, but last night while he was in the hospital his blood pressure suddenly spiked. They did a CAT scan...but they didn't find any more bleeds so they can't explain why his blood pressure is elevated.

I hope they find an answer soon...this is a huge rollercoaster that is almost killing Michael, and it's killing me to watch it. I have become very fond of his father...he reminds me a lot of my grandpa.

You should see what they gave me to flush me out! It is, comically, titled 'moviprep.' Pronounced exactly as you think it is... movieprep. Hilarious.

Basically I have to drink 1 liter of this shizit the night before, and 1 liter the morning before. I will be so clean, you could blow in my mouth and air would come out my arse.

I am 24 and am having my first colonoscopy. Also unreal. He said that at my age, it is unlikely that this is cancer related, but yes that is also one of the things they will be looking for.

I dreamed last night that they were in there, snaking a bajillion foot tube through my asshole, and they came across a dime wedged in there. Does that mean that subconsciously I am a spendthrift? A tight ass, as it were? Ok ok, all ass jokes aside...I am sort of nervous.

I have to wear a skirt to the procedure....and that almost makes me feel like I'm being taken advantage of, because they are going to put me completely under. Who knows what will be going on while I am unconscious. One girl said it sounded like a quickie at the office. Ok...wow. To be fair, she made it completely clear that she is totally into anal sex...which I have never even aproached understanding.

Quickie, my ass.

AHAHA ok...but seriously.

Shower time. We are going to try to visit his dad today...if he'll let us. Poor guy hates to be in the hospital. :(

lots and lots

2009-07-18T09:43:00.002-04:00

The supervisor still has not come back. She is however managing to be a megabitch while she's gone. Apparently she was out shopping for cars [still alive, home from the hospital] and wanted a salvage loan from Coastal. She called and was a huge bitch to a friend of mine that I've worked with basically since I've been with the company when she told my supervisor that we don't do those kinds of loans.

The next day she called back and mentioned that she was an employee but that she was currently out on disability so my friend asked her when she thought she'd be returning to work because she was trying to get a different kind of loan and when you're out on disability you don't get paid as much so you're more likely to get denied for a loan you would otherwise have been approved for if you were steady working.

Well she just went off on my friend and hung up on her...then immediately called human resources and filed a complaint against my friend for discriminating against her because she was on disability.

Fucking bitch.

Yes...I am still doing her job with no compensation and it's been a month.

The other job I applied and interviewed for is called a branch service specialist...basically going around and servicing the PTMs and ATMs at every upgraded branch. Replenishing money, auditing them, repairing them, etc...

I still haven't heard back about that job and it's really irritating the shit out of me.

Michael's father is in the hospital undergoing surgery for a brain embolism related to a fall right this very second so I am scared and worried about that.

Michael is at the dentist but should be home soon...and actually his appointment was an hour ago so I have no idea where he is. A routine cleaning and checkup should not take this long.

He hasn't called but I am assuming that he is on his way home or on the phone with his mother getting an update on his dad.

My tummy is doing okish. Less pain, urgency, and frequency of bouts of the good ole diarreah than before, but I still do not trust it enough to quit the imodium cold turkey.

That is about it....except that one of my tellers was loaned to a different branch yesterday and she fucked up enough to get her ass fired. At least I hope so.

She force balanced her checks. I mean, she saw they were out of balance and instead of doing her JOB which is to find the outage and fix it, she just fudged her check total and didn't think anyone would notice.

Well they did and that lady was on the phone with me for like an hour trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.

she'll get talked to on monday.

and so it goes

2009-06-30T13:15:00.002-04:00

My supervisor [after one month on the job and one week on vacation] is in the hospital apparently suffering from a pericardial effusion [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pericardial_effusion], but we don't know what the underlying cause is for it yet...and we don't know if she will be coming back.

I stepped in when she called out and now I've been doing her job for just over a week.

Since HER supervisor is around a lot, she talked to me yesterday about several things. She asked me if my supervisor does not come back, would I be interested in accepting the job with the raise, etc. I told her I'd have to think about it because I just had an interview last week for a job I would rather do that pays much more money and is 60 to 80 percent LESS stressful.

My plan is to wait and see who they pick for this job, and if it's not me, then I will go ahead and tell her I can accept the job if, and only if, my supervisor decides not to come back.

She's been in the hospital for a week and some people who are closer to her than we are have told us that they've put her in a medical coma while they decide how to proceed. I don't know how true that is, but it's scary anyway.

Meanwhile, I am busting my ass trying to do this job and not getting compensated for it. I am still earning 11.00 an hour. Woo.

I really really hope I get the other job because I am sick of being in a branch and there are several personnel changes that have occurred since that might make working at that location difficult.

My supervisor's supervisor told me that she should have realized how stressful it would be to bring someone from outside the branch in to run it, and that she sees now it was a mistake. She said I am her only choice to fill the role now if my supervisor does not come back.

We'll see what's up.

bleh

2009-06-27T13:52:00.002-04:00

I feel bad. I hate feeling bad.

It's the kind of bad that you know is going to get worse. The kind of bad where you don't necessarily feel bad right now, but you know it is coming? That is the kind of bad I am feeling at the moment.

I bought this stuff called 'Align' and it's supposed to help your tummy even out...apparently it works for like 60% of IBS sufferers...so I am trying it out.

The biggest thing I've noticed is that my tummy has stopped rumbling oddly. It used to make rumbly noises and feel rumbly all.the.time.

Tomorrow marks the second week since I started taking it. You're supposed to be able to feel the full benefits [most people anyway] at four weeks, and for those who still feel a bit wobbly in the tummy, eight weeks.

We'll see.

wedding ideas

2009-06-15T19:09:00.006-04:00

Yes yes, way too early, I know...but I've already started brainstorming.

Picked out my dress [whaaaaaat??] and here it is:

see more pics including the back [+ here ]. I can't make the rest of the views change color, only the front view, but I'm sure it'll be pretty! Michael likes it, too.

What's that you say? Can't get roses in blue? No problem!

Bridesmaids? Here you go:

The trim will of course be a different color. He doesn't like yellow.

And our invitations? Home made, naturally!

Whatchu think?

2009-06-14T14:48:00.003-04:00

classic bored and smarmy looking Michael...my future husband. I am so lucky. :)

And that's the only half decent picture of me all dressed up in my dressy dress and my hair parted purty...but you can't tell cause I had my sunglasses on most of the day lol.

I love my boyfriend/almost fiance.

♥♥♥♥♥

one of those patches you sometimes go through

2009-06-13T16:20:00.002-04:00

So yesterday Michael and I went to Wendy's for lunch. He's always been a PDAphobe, as have I. Let's face it, people dry humping in public is disgusting. When we're behind closed doors, he will kiss me like nobody's business. When we're walking out to our cars to go to work, he will only kiss me swiftly on the lips goodbye. No hand holding in public, no hugging, basically no touching...unless we're meeting somewhere for lunch and it's time to part ways for five more hours, then he will kiss me chastely again on the lips, but that's all.

Well, yesterday we were outside having a goodbye smoke after consuming necessary food quantities. He was sitting/leaning up against his hood, so I sat down next to him and put my arm behind his back. The hood of his car was hot, okay...it's fricking June in North Carolina...Hot. So I put my hand on his belt and it just was resting there. I wasn't trying to rub his ass or his back or rip his pants off or anything, just sitting there.

He started getting squirmy and I asked what was up and he said PDA was disturbing and freaked people out, even him...so I got up and finished my cigarette and he finished his. This whole time he's talking to me about random stuff like he didn't just hurt my feelings or anything. Guys are sometimes so incredibly retarded and imperceptive. I was not saying anything back to him, which should have been a good indication that something was wrong. He came over to me and I knew he was going to give me a silly little ridiculous kiss on the lips like I was his damn sister or something and so I turned away. He grabbed at me and said 'c'mere...' like I was just playing around and being coy or something. I started walking back to my car and he followed me and asked me what I was doing and I said 'exercising my right not to express the depth of my emotion for you.' and he said 'jesus christ' and turned right back around. I went back to work and this is the exchange we had.

Michael ...you're mean
Jennifer ...i just don't understand why there should be any difference between me wanting to express affection and you wanting to express affection. it's weird when i want to, but not when you do
Michael ...i'm sorry
Michael ...you're right
Jennifer ...of course i am
Jennifer ...:P
Michael ...;(
Jennifer ...it just confused and hurt me a lil bit that's all
Michael ...i'm sorry
Jennifer ...it's ok...i still.....you know
Michael ...i love you
Jennifer ...i love you too

I almost cried at work. I know he's a good guy and I love him with everything I can...but sometimes, I need him to not give a shit what anyone else thinks and be close to me in public. I don't need him to be superglued to me or something, I just want him to maybe hug me or touch me on the arm or hand or face and kiss me like he loves me! I am not talking anything pornographic...but something more than just a light skim across the lips. It just seems so impersonal! Who knows, one of us could get killed on the way back to work [very dangerous road we have to travel...one of those that they squeezed four lanes into a road only built for two and nobody seems to be able to keep it between the mayonaise and the mustard out there, oi geez!! I can't even tell you...too many close calls. One night, we finally decided to list each other as emergency contacts just because he almost got killed...and I never would have known where he was] anyway! and we'd never see each other again.

That's probably too apocalyptic, but you get what I'm saying.

It's just so odd to see him behave toward me in public in a way that does not reflect how he truly feels about me and our future.

We finally talked in detail about the wedding. He wants it in the spring outside somewhere pretty...but not too fancy.

We also talked about children. He wants to name his first born son Michael Jr.

Wow.

How is that for confusing? Not just because he's named Michael as well, but Cass and Dom's boy is named Michael! Maybe I'll have a girl instead?

Mikaela? HA!

Risky Business?

2009-06-03T15:47:00.003-04:00

Since Friday I have been feeling kind of icky. It started with a scratchy throat, and at first I just attributed that to some possible snoring [even though I almost always wake myself up if I snore].

Thursday night in bed, we got to talking about serious things. I asked him if he still wanted to marry me [yes], and I asked him if when he was younger he ever thought he'd get married. He responded with a resounding yes. He had always known he wanted a family. I told him that I never thought I'd get married; I never thought I'd trust someone enough to marry them. He pulled me onto his shoulder and I said "I just have so many bad memories of my mom and my step dad fighting all the time and I never wanted that to happen." And then I started crying.

Really and truly, I had been determined to put the wish for a husband and a family behind me because I absolutely did not want what happened to me to happen to anyone else if I could prevent it. I feel differently about it now, because I know that even if we fight sometimes [as all couples do], we will still love each other.

He begged me to stop crying, even though I explained it was not a bad cry, but a good one...because I knew I'd found someone who would love me. He said "I can't stand to see you cry...even if it's happy tears. When you cry, I feel helpless..."

Friday night we went out to Fat Daddy's and shot some pool and heckled this horrid band that I can't believe ever gets a gig because instead of playing music, they just talked to each other and made horrible jokes most of the time. Nobody won a game of pool, we each lost two hours worth of pool on technicalities. Ha. Came home, and instead of the awesome sex that always follows a night out drinking and playing pool, we cuddled and talked and fell asleep in each other's arms. It was incredibly cute and in some ways, more satisfying than the usual.

Saturday we had a cook out with the neighbors, and we got a little crazy. Dave and I [Dave is an upstairs neighbor] went to Kroger down the road and bought six bottles of champagne and some OJ.

It was mostly just the three of us drinking, and we finished off two pitchers of mimosas before midnight. That was fun! I wasn't even buzzed though, because I was probably metabolizing all that junk faster than I was drinking it. Michael and Dave, however, were blitzed. To give Michael some credit, he had been drinking beer before we started all this...so two or so bottles of champagne and some beers later, it was time for him to go to bed.

We were both really tired, but we ended up staying up until 2:30 anyway behaving like teenagers...which was fine with the both of us, but we were really tired at 2:30.

Michael being Michael, we got up the next day at 7:30. *sigh*

Went to Mom's for dinner. Yay.

We really didn't get much accomplished this weekend. Monday we both went to work, I felt like crap. I'd woken up with a stuffy nose and a blocked up head...but I went anyway. Mike and I had a conversation about dinner that kind of made me mad. Basically it was 'you make dinner, and I don't care what it is...as long as it doesn't resemble anything we have in the apartment right now.'

Great. I feel like shit [by this time I have a fever], but I'm going to make dinner anyway...since he won't settle for pizza or take out. I am looking forward to getting off work on time so I can go home.

Wrong.

One of the employees is on vacation this week and next sort of. It's complicated. Anyway, she was there Monday but has like Tuesday through next Thursday off...and I reminded my new supervisor that we needed to audit her drawer before she left for the night because she was going to be on vacation.

5:20 rolls around and I'm so ready to go home, it's crazy. My new supervisor pops her head around the corner and says "Hey Jenn, can you audit Millie? I totally didn't realize we needed to audit her tonight..." so I was like 'yeah ok whatever. I don't even care.' but inside was like "WHAT THE FUCK?! I told you at like 1:30 that we needed to audit her and you said 'okay,' and now you're making me do it even though you know I feel like shit and you said I could go home on time...wow."

This lady is insane and ridiculous. She spends all day on the phone on personal calls, leaves money sitting around in the open where people can snatch it, forgets to order money for the branch [twice now! I wonder if she did it today...], refuses to carry the ATM pager [which is supposed to be her job ONLY ...], and keeps shoving all her work on me. Wow. I am not her assistant, I am her back up. I am supposed to be a teller 90% of the time and senior teller only when she's not there.

Ridiculous.

I make $11.25 an hour, I DO NOT GET PAID TO DO HER JOB, yet I am doing it anyway.

Fucking ridiculous.

She's back there screwing around and I'm actually trying to keep the branch running the way everyone's accustomed to it being run...which is impossible because she's obviously not doing her job consistently.

Ugh...I can't stand it anymore.

Anyway, it's no wonder I'm sick.

Yesterday I called out of work [I wonder if she even knew I called out because I left a message on her office phone and I'm not sure if she's gotten the hang of it yet. This woman left a message on her phone for three days before realizing she had mail...hello...there is a RED LIGHT on the reciever whe you have mail!! effing check it, okay?!] and Michael called out of work. We went to buy his brother's wedding gift at Bed Bath & Beyond [funny story about that in a second], then went to the grocery store where I ran into a member from the credit union. wow...they are everywhere.

Came home, ate lunch [1/2 a sammie each, chips, potato salad, and a pickle], then he took off with his guitar to Durham to have his dad put in a new set of pickups he got [finally].

Okay so, before we went to BB&B, Michael decided to give this guy from a temp agency who'd left a message Friday evening on his voicemail a call back. We weren't really all that thrilled or anxious about this call because of the way the economy has been lately...hardly anyone is really hiring people at the moment...and I've told him not to look at his job as a crap ass job [it is, but still], but to be grateful that he actually has one and he's making almost $13 an hour [I think]. That's way more than me and I've been at the company for four years with a steady raise every year...wow.

So he gets in touch with this guy Robert who says that Wells Fargo is interested in hiring a mortgage underwriter and he knows that Michael has experience in that field.

He said it pays $25.00 an hour. Wow. That's almost twice what he makes now.

The only downside to it is that it's a four month contract job. After his four months are up, they can hire him or they can just fire him...sort of like temping.

We talked about it and overall, I told him I would be okay with him taking a risk like that. He obviously hates what he's doing now, not that he's all that excited about being an underwriter, but hey, and I hate seeing him upset about not being recognized for all the work he does now.

We were talking about it on the way to the store and he said "You wouldn't even have to work if you didn't want to!" and I smiled and said "yeah, but I would anyway." and he said "yeah, I know...I would go crazy without something to do too."

It would be nice to have a little monetary security. He needs a new car [his poor Altima has seen better days], and we need a new bed and a new couch. He said "in a year we could save up enough to put a huge down payment on a house."

:)

Cross your fingers. He's supposed to ask his current supervisor [who is unbelievably cool] if he can use him as a reference on his resume for the Wells Fargo job...then after that, it's up to them if they want to interview him. They'd be crazy not to though.

Okay now time for the funny BB&B story!

We went into the store and asked the customer service rep where the wedding registry was. She said 'go this way, turn left, head straight and that's where you need to go to start a registry.'

AHAHA! I said 'thank y- wait, no...eh whatever.' Michael didn't even notice. I told him what she said and he was like 'wtf?' I said "I guess they just assume a guy here with a girl is looking to start a wedding registry."

She was probably feeling pretty confident that's what we were there to do...since I looked like absolute crap and I don't know that I had makeup on.

Ha.

She looked a little flustered when we showed back up front with our gift and our copy of his brother's registry and asked her to gift wrap it though. Lol.

God rides a Schwinn?!

2009-05-27T12:54:00.003-04:00

Alright...we live on the bottom floor of a two story apartment building. Our door is virtually under the stairs to the second floor, so everyone in the apartment building stores their bike right next to our door. I submitted this mug to htt://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com, we'll see if they put it up.

Apparently her bike was stolen in the middle of the night and she went out looking for it...then put it right back outside our door with this note on it instead of putting it where it belongs.....inside her apartment!

dress shopping = uckiness

2009-05-26T12:55:00.002-04:00

What in the world are people thinking today? I don't understand why nearly every dress I saw yesterday was either worn as a major vajayjay advertisement or used for a broom. Why can't more dresses be slightly longer than knee length?

I don't want the world to see my private parts, and I certainly don't want to look like a hippie.

We went to sears first yesterday cause that's where Cass found a kickass dress online.

Unfortunately, they didn't have it in the store. There was only one dress that I had any interest in, and it's plum colored. We were there for a whole ten minutes and I'd already tried it on and both of us loved it...but Mike suggested we look othre places before we bought it, because we might find something better somehwere else and it was just insane that it was the first thing I put on and I loved it.

That never happens, okay? It's a total fluke.

It also happened to be the only dress I tried on because everything else was either way to whoreish, way too hippiesh, or way too small.

The dress was listed for 139.00, but I got it on sale for 99.00...so it wasn't too bad.

I took a pic with the digital camera, but I'm at lunch so I can't really hook it up right now. It's pretty...and it's the second dress in my closet.

I am turning into a girl.

I am fairly certain though that the next dress I buy will be a wee bit more expensive than that one...

and either ivory or white. ^^

I will tell you about the cuteness that happened yesterday at another time...

right now it's time to get back to babysitting. Huzzah.

love is...

2009-05-24T10:27:00.002-04:00

....saving your boyfriend from a six foot five drag queen.

Ok so she was wearing heels, so the height measurement is probably quite far off.

I asked Mike to come with me to drag bingo, and he consented. He said "Do you want me to go?" and I said "yes and no. Yes because I want you to share something with me, and no because you're too cute for Mary Kmart [one of the host[ese]s of drag bingo] to pass over without humiliating you."

Well guess what...it happened. He bingoed and had to go up on stage. He was in such a state of shock...it was crazy. He was on his way up to the stage and Mary caught sight of him and said 'hello, love of my life...'

I was like 'I can't let this happen...' so I got up and marched up on stage and planted myself firmly between Mike and Mary. It was so funny she was like 'well well well...so this is how it's gonna be, huh?' and I took off my sunglasses and rolled my sleeves up, and said "It's on."

She called out to one of the other drag queens and said 'honey, burn this dress offa me, I am fightin this one!"

it was too funny. I love both John Paul and Mary...they are hilarious. It was all a big joke. I was so nervous. She was like 'but no, seriously...you're very pretty. If I was a lesbian, I would be all over that.'

He was incredibly grateful...and will not be going back. I have a feeling if he didn't get called out on his first night, he would have been ok with coming back...but it was just too much of a shock.

I know it's ridiculous

2009-05-17T15:24:00.004-04:00

But I am kinda pissed off at Mike right now. There have been quite a few times where he's said something without thinking about how it would make me feel, and he did that twice today in a space of five minutes...and that was too much.

Normally [and I realize this is unhealthy and stems directly from a past filled with parental conflict] I just let it roll right off and don't say anything about it because I know that whatever little tiny thing he says, he doesn't view me negatively...or if he did he wouldn't ever directly say so. And if I said anything about it we would just get into an argument and, again, I've had enough of that in my life.

But today....I don't know.

Back when I was in middle school, I was in band and I really loved it. I made lots of friends in band and when I got kicked out as a direct result of my parent's inattention to my school career, I didn't hang out with a lot of them.

It may not seem like a lot to most people, and certainly not after ten years or so, but to me being kicked out of band still hurts. I liked playing the clarinet; at the very least it was a stepping stone to playing the saxaphone which I really liked at the time.

When we were on the way to Home Depot today we passed a music store and I said "I should sell my clarinet [yes, I still have it...], I mean it's not like I'm gonna drag it out and play it for you someday."

He said "clarinets are stupid. It doesn't matter if you're exceptionally good at playing it, it still sounds like shit."

I said "Wow, thank you," and he didn't even say anything....just changed the subject.

So we're walking around Home Depot and we had to ask a sales lady where the soldering irons were. She was very helpful and nice...but damn she walked fast. I said so to Mike and he turned around and said "you do walk exceptionally slow though."

That was it. Listen, I am on my godamned period and I'm in pain. Also, my fucking pants are at least one size too big and I still don't have a belt for them so forgive me if I have to slow down every two strides to pull the motherfuckers up.

So I left him to make his soldering iron selection and wandered around the Depot for a little bit. He walked up to the counter to check out and I promptly headed outside cause I don't like waiting around for that stuff.

Anyway, I had wandered down far from the exit and close to the car and when he came out I abruptly turned and started heading to the car. He said "are you trying to run away or something?" I said "Oh, no...I was just trying to get a head start." and it came out with just the right amount of acidity.

He said "are you mad or something?" and I said "yeah, a little bit." He asked why. Wow. I said "it's just that you've been hyper critical of me for the last ten minutes." This statement was supposed to clue him into the fact that I was not just pissed off about the walking comment. It didn't, naturally. He said he was sorry for the walking thing...but I'm still steamed about the clarinet comment.

It's not a fancy instrument, sure...but it used to drown out my parents shouting at eachother when I was up in my room. He doesn't understand any of that, of course, because he grew up in a functional household.

It's not just that either....there are other little things that I sometimes don't understand how he can say them and not know how it will affect me.

But he just apologized properly...and kind of childlike, too. "Please don't be mad at me..."

and I made the mistake of looking him directly in the eye while he was making a sad face.

Damnit....*sigh*

Jennifer Dawn Allen. That looks about right!

2009-05-11T07:51:00.006-04:00

We are so much alike, Mike and I!

Yesterday morning we woke up and he said "I dreamed about you."

I asked him what he dreamed about and he said it was a secret.

I instantly knew he'd either dreamed about us having kids or us getting married.

I asked him about it a few times yesterday and every time he said it was a secret and that I'd find out maybe someday when the time was right.

So last night we were sitting on the couch and he was playing with my hair and I said "What did my hair look like in the dream?" and he knew I knew and he smiled hugely and said "It was very pretty."

I said "I hope you get to see it like that."

And he smiled and kissed me.

So then we went to bed and we were laying there and talking and he said "you figured out what I dreamed didn't you?" and I said yes and he said "I dreamed that we got married."

After a little silence and me moving up to snuggle closer to him, he said "I'm so happy to have you here in my bed...on my arm...cuddling like this." and I said "Do you want to marry me?" and he said "Yes." and kissed me very sweetly.

And I asked how long he wanted to wait and he said "definitely until after Andy gets married, cause that would just be crazy."

Andy is his brother and his wedding is June 7th.

He didn't actually 'propose' per se, but we discussed it at length. I said "Are you sure?" And he smiled down at me and said "I dreamed about it! Why would I dream about it if I didn't want it? Of course I'm sure."

I love him so much.

For now it's a secret [not even mom knows] until he makes it official I guess...which would be some time after the wedding because we don't want to steal Andy and Susan's thunder.

I can't believe it! I will have two sisters in law and two brothers in law and a whole new set of parents!

I am so excited and happy!

I have one question

2009-05-09T11:16:00.003-04:00

Why does ironing have to be such a pain in the ass?

Alright, maybe I have more than one question. How come when the UPS dude came on Thursday he didn't knock? I was so here, but I had to walk my braless booty down to the office sick as fuck in the eighty degree muggy heat to go get it.

Last night we were cuddling and talking before going to sleep and I said "Do you wanna have my babies?" and he said "Yes." I said "How many babies do you want to have?" and he said "at least two." and I said "Okay, but you have to marry me first." and he said "Okay." then we went to sleep.

Did I just propose?

I sort of wasn't joking there though...about the marrying thing.

Hey wouldn't it be crazy if Mike read this and I completely scared him off? haha....

:/

Frustration Vacation

2009-05-07T10:58:00.003-04:00

Ok, so...I am still alive. Hooray. Computer is still not fixed, but I am currently stealing someone elses wireless connection. I don't know how that's possible, since it didn't work before anyway. I don't know...I don't care, the point is I am mobile. I guess it must have been a problem with the connection I had at the house.

I am living with Mike...we are doing very well. We just got back from vacation, but have been way too sick to go back to work.

Tuesday we woke up, got ready and drove the four and a half hours to Asheville, NC [about thirty minutes into that, I looked at Mike and said 'we forgot the cameras!!!!' that was followed by a loud 'Fuck!' from him lol. A digital camera and a video camera...and we forgot them both...geez] and checked into our hotel...a Holiday Inn in West Asheville. First impressions of Asheville? Well, let's just say it made Siloam Springs look like Utopia. With the exception of roughly four blocks of 'Historic Biltmore' looking businesses [which included a fancy McDonald's with a grand piano inside...which we did NOT go to lol], the rest was just a run down hickville. The real downtown was just like any other huge city's downtown...which I don't understand because Asheville didn't seem like it needed so much cityscape.

Anyway, we checked in and imediately proceeded to the Biltmore Estate...which is this huge house out in the middle of nowhere. It's like six stories I think. It took us an hour or more to walk through it...and only 75% of the damn thing is open to the public. We were surprised at how short the beds are. Even I would have had to kind of be in a fetal position to sleep on those things. Mom would have fit lol. They don't allow photography inside the house, but we went to the gift shop and decided to get a disposeable camera for the grounds. It was 12 bucks, but what are you gonna do? There's nothing for miles and miles around, so they could have charged like 30 for it and we would have just had to suck it up and pay lol.

Here's where it gets bad. I had to go to the bathroom, because I am still effed up in the stomach and I am really starting to get pissed about it. Anyway, I had to go...and there was no stopping it. So I went to the bathroom and did my business. Now, when I left him, Mike was in line. I had been gone a good ten minutes or so anyhow and I figure he'd be wandering around the gift shop wondering where in the hell I went. I walked back in and he is still in line. Some chick in front of him was buying like every damn thing in the store! He was kinda pissed.

They had out samples of their dipping stuff and pretzels and stuff, and he was just standing there consuming that stuff to avoid speaking his mind about this crazy lady and her ridiculous spending spree while all we wanted to do was get this damn camera and go on our merry way. Let me reiterate...he is standing there consuming food that has been out in the air, around about a billion people, since like eight in the morning [and probably most of the previous day/couple days] right in the middle of the GD swine flu scare. I didn't think to tell him to knock it off because I was still feeling like I was gonna implode at this point. We finally got the damn camera and headed outside.

We spent a good three hours or so at the estate...had a couple of beers...were amazed at how many old people were there. Granted, it was a Tuesday afternoon...but damn. Where are all the younger people? We walked from the house down to the gardens...down a whole bunch of stairs, which were enclosed...and at the end there's a sign that says 'watch for traffic' and Mike said 'what, is someone gonna come hauling ass past the entrance and run us over?' And as soon as he said that, some mini van did roar past the end of the stairway. Mike said 'Jesus Christ!!' It was funny as hell.

We tooled around the upper gardens for a bit, then walked down to the lower gardens and that is where we realized we were fucked. I hadn't really paid too much attention to how we were walking...but I started to at that point. I turned around and looked back and imediately got a huge sinking feeling in my tummy [like I needed that, right? lol] because I saw that we had been walking down hill since we left the house. The only way back to the car is to go back the way we came. We've already been walking downhill for thirty minutes. I mentioned this interesting fact to my favorite cuddly object, and he agreed that we were fucked, but we might as well get our money's worth.

We walked all the way down to the bottom of the grounds where there's this 'bass pond,' and sat down halfway around the pond to smoke a cigarette. At this point Mike has to pee. We left the only bathroom behind when we left the gift shop. This is 30 minutes downhill ago, so he used a tree. There wasn't anyone around and guys can get away with that a lot easier than us girls can anyway lol.

We walked the rest of the way down to the 'waterfall,' which is really just overflow for the pond...highly disappointing. We did see a huge ass catfish though...holy god, this thing was at least two feet long and as thick as my thigh...which should make your eyebrows go up, cause that's pretty big. I managed to get a picture of it with my phone, but it's not a really good one and he just looks like a big black blob.

We started walking back to the house because by this time we were pretty much tired of being there. We took some crazy ass trail through the woods. There was absolutely nobody around. It was like walking straight up eight flights of steep effing stairs...I had to stop once because I was totally out of breath. Mike, of course, wanted to keep plugging along cause he's fit as hell lol...but even a hundred yards after that he started making the pathetic 'oh my god' panting sounds lol. Thankfully we were in the shade and the damn thing finally levelled off.

We eventually made it back to the car. I don't know how long it took us, but I was a drippy hot mess by the time we made it back and all we wanted to do was get the HELL out of there. We didn't realize that the only way out took us through the whole entire estate again. It took us another 30 to 40 minutes to get back to civilization. What the fuck? We wouldn't have walked all that way down if we had realized we could have driven through it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever.

We were so tired and gross feeling and hungry. We went to this place called 'la paz,' which is mexican food...and poor mexican food at that. Shared a bottle of wine, talked [again, as we do when we drink wine for some reason] about the first night we were together. I said 'honestly, when you said you'd give me a call I was surprised.'

He said 'I'm not sure if I really meant it at that point. I was still really fucked up in the head and mad at women in general...but whatever. When I went out to the lake on vacation after that, I thought about you a lot.'

He asked me how I felt about him the morning after. I said 'honestly, if you hadn't called me I would have been really hurt...because I really liked you already at that point.'

We went back to the hotel, took a shower together [which was humorous for all kinds of reasons] then went to sleep. The next morning he woke up with an incredibly sore throat and felt generally kind of crappy. We went out to try to find this place called the chocolate fetish in downtown Asheville so I could get mom's mother's day present.

I got her all truffles lol. My favorite [that I didn't even try, but I think Richard will enjoy] is the one called 'the dragon's kiss,' it tastes like wasabi. I will let her know before I let her eat that one that it's spicy...haha.

After that we headed down to the Bier Garden. They have about a bazillion beers on tap...so we felt right at home. Drank a pitcher of Stone Ale [ahaha] which was fantastically good, by the way, then got a pitcher of this stuff called Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA. Okay folks....the hoppiest beer I have ever ever had...it was so thick, it almost tasted like mead. There was a taste of white grape juice at the finish. It wasn't bad, but it was too much to drink. We ate dinner, then played like four games of pool.

We were completely done at this point as the Dogfish is 9% ABV, which is more than we usually drink, and being 'faced in a town you're not too familiar with is a bad idea. Especially when you have to find your way back to 40 to get back to your hotel... :/

But we made it thanks to my incredible sense of direction.

Next morning we came back home and lazed around. Didn't do too much since he felt like shit and we were way tired of being in the car.

I woke up Friday morning with a sore throat and a cough. Oh boy. We debated continuing with the second part of our vacation, which was spending a couple of days up at Lake Gaston with one of his friends and his girlfriend. We decided to go anyway. Repacked, drove the hour and a half to his friend's house, waited around for two hours there, then headed up to the lake...where it rained on us really hard for about ten minutes.

Then the guys sent us girls to the store...which is like a twenty minute drive. We spent 200 smackers there [holy shit] then headed back to the lake house. The boys were shocked at how much we spent, but what the hell? You send a girl to the grocery store, they're gonna spend money dontcha know.

The lake was ok. That first night we went to sleep around ten because he was exhausted and felt like shit, poor thing. The next morning Mike and I managed to lock ourselves out of the trailer [yeah...I said trailer] and we couldn't wake his friend up...so we played frisbee for a while and sat out on the dock and talked for a while.

He joked about pushing me in. I told him if he did that, he'd be going with me...cause he would.

We finally got back in, made lunch, then the boys went back to town to get Josh's Xbox because the only thing they got on the TV was PBS and even that was all fuzzy.

I got changed and headed down to the lake to lay out with Melissa, Josh's girlfriend. We were out there for a few hours and boy did I ever pay for it. I am sunburned like wOah.

The vasculitis is coming back since I'm on so many effing cold medicine drugtype things, but I am fairly confident it will go away once all this crazy medicine is out of my system.

Anyway, Josh and Melissa wanted to go out and I felt like total shit by this point, since the cold was definitely in full effect by then, plus I was crispy as hail...so I told Mike that I wasn't gonna go if they all went out.

He elected to stay with me, even though I told him I wanted him to go and have a good time.

We went to bed as soon as they left...went to sleep shortly after.

I couldn't sleep very well, mostly because I couldn't breathe. I woke up around 2:30 and I was actually leaking snot from both nostrills...EW. Took some Tylenol and paced around for half an hour, then went back to bed.

We were woken up at 5:30 by Josh and Melissa coming home. Wow.

Went back to sleep for a couple hours, got up, decided we didn't want to spend another effing second in that cramped trailer, packed, and got the hell on the road.

We were supposed to go back to work on Tuesday, but we called out that day and Wednesday. Mike tried to go to work on Wednesday, but he couldn't handle it and had to come home. I tried to go to work this morning, but there's no way I would have been able to handle it.

So since Sunday we've been cooped up together in this wee apartment...and we've both loved every second of it.

I love being with him and we never once got into an argument, or even a misunderstanding, about anything. It was nice.

I can't wait until he asks me to marry him...:D

I can see it in his eyes sometimes when I look at him...he wants to ask, I know he does.

Even when we were in Asheville, we came back to the room and I don't know what we were talking about but he said something and I said 'I'm with you until you give up on me.' and he said 'I'll never do that.' and I said 'I guess we'll be together forever then!' and he said 'Yes.'

This cold has really kicked my ass though...holy shit. I've only had one other one that was even close to this bad, and that was a couple years ago.

I am now off to catch up with the Brat. Woohoo!

Thanks for reading this HUGE post!!!!

Pictures coming soon, I hope.

what the heck

2009-04-02T07:02:00.003-04:00

I don't have time to read and I don't have time to be detailed...I pretty much have time to list what's happened lately.

1]Mike said 'I love you' first
2]We are happier than ever
3]Mike asked me to move in with him. He wants a bigger place but I think we should just ride out the current lease, save money, and then get a bigger place.
4]Dreamed a tornado hit Slidell...what the eff bomb?
5]Can't make my tummy behave still...and it's been like a month...what the hell.
6]Computer still broken...will be shipping it back to dell ASAP for them to fix for FREE.

And now you know the rest of the story. Well, most of it anyway. I spared you the cute details.

2009-03-08T13:29:00.002-04:00

"So, my sister-in-law gave a private behind-the-scenes tour of the Memphis Zoo to Hal Sparks today. Made me think of you."

God. Damn. It.

Some people have all the luck. :(

I think I'm going to cry.

Although now I can play six [or less than six] degrees of Hal Sparks!

"I have a friend who has a sister in law who gave a tour of the Memphis Zoo to Hal Sparks. How about that, bitches!? bahaha!!"

Yeah...I can only dream. *sigh* I would totally fangirl all over him like I would think of something clever or interesting to say in my head and open my mouth to say it and all that would come out would be 'abuuuuhh...' and then later I would think I had said whatever it was that was clever or interesting...and I would think OH MY GOD I TALKED TO HAL SPARKS! but it would really just be the 'abuuuuhh...' thing...

Total nonsense and idiocy is the order of the day, in case you hadn't notciced yet..

Haha...

Why can't you sleep with someone who'll protect you?

2009-03-08T13:20:00.001-04:00

Well. So many things have happened, nothing of major import I guess though...I didn't run off and get married or pregnant or anything life changing like that.

We were playing pool last weekend and he called my name...and it kind of made me flinch. It's weird hearing someone call you by your full three syllable name when you've been sleeping in the same bed for so long.

Anyway, I said later that I thought he should find something else to call me. He agreed. He said it sounded so formal, but he wouldn't really know what to call me since he's been calling me Jennifer for a year now. We'll officially have known each other a year on monday, how crazy is that? In only seven months [which seems like a really long time at the moment, but look how fast five have come and gone, right?] we'll have been dating for a year. That's a long time.

Anyway, he almost got off a shot, but then thought of something and came over to tell me what it was. He said "I would rather you called me Michael instead of Mike." And I looked at him like 'uh...what...' and he smiled all sheepishly and said "that's what my family calls me." Aww...

I told him last night that only one person ever can get away with calling me Jenny still...and that's my grandpa. My aunt still does it, but I never see her. My cousin still does it, too...but that's ok since he's eight years younger than me and I also never see him, either.

I don't know what he can call me. We don't do the whole pet names thing...that's just weird for us I guess. Sometimes I'll call him babe [yes, I am cringing internally while writing that because it's just so generic], but I really don't have a need to 'call' him anything.

We had dinner with the parents again [he had dinner with me and my parents, I should say...I still haven't met his]. Over all it was a good time. They told embarrassing stories about me and made him laugh and he made them laugh and we were all drinking and just being crazy.

Mom and Richard left while I was waiting on the check and Mike said "that was much more entertaining than dinner with my parents would be. Nobody would be drinking and the entire conversation would consist of 'how was work?'"

He said it like he was trying to convince me that it was a good thing I hadn't met the family yet.

We had a mini-fight on Tuesday when I was over eating dinner with Willis who was on the second day of knee surgery recovery.

He called me and got angry because I was still not over at his place. When I finally got there, I was so mad at him for getting mad at me for taking care of a friend who just had his knee operated on that I was ready to fight.

He knew he'd been an asshole though, and when he opened the door he had a silly little smile on his face that took away most of my anger and I felt ridiculous and at crazy odds with my emotions.

We talked about it and he said that what happened was when he had asked me what I was doing, and I said 'just hanging out,' he had got some crazy damn notion that I was cheating on him...what the hell? I said "with a gay man who just had knee surgery? Right." and he shrugged and said "it just felt like every other time someone was messing around on me."

Wow, I did not know anything about that. He said he was sorry and I did everything I knew how to do to convince him that I would never ever do that.

I said "I want you to trust me..." and he said "I do..." and then I said "so why did you react that way?" he said it was just an irrational impulse...

He's been hurt a lot more than I thought he had, obviously.

That's ok though, just as long as he does trust me...because he's finally met a girl who is not a total bitch. I don't know why all those asshole girls are out there running around on their men. I have absolutely no reason or inclination to do so.

It's really odd...

2009-02-22T10:52:00.002-05:00

when you absolutely know you want to share your life with one person.

I never ever thought I'd be the settling down type...but as time goes on, it seems like my perception of that kind of life is changing.

Good? Bad? I don't know yet...but I do know that I need Mike in my life.

So far we haven't had any major fights. There have been a few missunderstandings that were quickly resolved and laughed about later, but nothing too bad.

I don't know. It's weird at this stage. Almost five months have been and gone and we're still together. I personally wouldn't have given it more than a couple of weeks myself...and yet, here we are still.

Some people can't believe we're still together. I just don't want him to feel like he's settling...I really feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him.

That's up to him though, I guess, to decide how he feels about that.

Also, five months really isn't all that long. We've been through some hard stuff together though.

Monday I have to go stay with Willis because he's having knee surgery and his doctors want to make sure he doesn't have a bad reaction to the anesthesia. I told Mike about it and he was like 'can't he get someone else? isn't his family close?' lol...no...they're in tennessee.

That's the only kind of posessive thing he's ever done.

As if one night apart is too much for him at this point or something.

:) :) I just want to be happy, and he makes me happy.

I want him to be happy, too...and he says he is.

So there you go.

You make me sick because I adore you so

2009-02-07T08:46:00.003-05:00

Look here, whomever is controlling the health aspect of the universe, I think I've dealt with enough misery just lately thank you very much. I'm getting ahead of myself though...so here's a little relationship update.

Mike and I talked about how he upset me. He glossed over the Ria thing, saying she's pretty...so basically I guess that means he would definitely bang her if he got the chance. Look, I know I'm insecure...I just don't want bad things to happen...and if he ended up sleeping with someone else while we were together, I'd be incredibly upset. That would end our relationship, and I don't want that because he's very much a part of my life now.

He was completely taken aback by the other thing though. He could not believe he said that and, in fact, didn't remember saying it. And he understood why I was mad and he said 'yeah, you had a right to be pissed, I would have been pissed!' so there you go. But he also wouldn't let it go. He said he was sorry and said that whatever it was he said, it does not sum up how he feels about us at all.

So a couple of nights later we were out at Michael Dean's drinking wine. We started talking about relationships and things. He said it always completely blindsides him when people break up with him because he's never aware there's a problem. They always say they're unhappy, or whatever.

I said 'well for what it's worth, you make me happy.' and he said 'good...'

So I finally got up the nerve to ask him 'how do you feel about me?' and he said [and this is incredibly infuriating since it seems like I can't ever get a straight answer from him] anyway, he said 'I'm happy.' and he looked at me and smiled and I said 'good' and then he continued the thought with 'until I find out that you're not happy...just like everyone else.'

What the deuce? Whatever.

There have been countless in-jokes and conversations where we've just gone off on random tangents and laughed until we couldn't take it anymore. Vugetarians, knuckling, black & milds, and the phrase 'so taihed' to name a few. The 'so tiahed' thing [the southern version of 'tired,' by the way] came about on Tuesday night I think when I was trying to say that I was tired, but because I was rubbing my face at the time, the 'r' got lost somewhere.

He laughed until his stomach hurt.

Anyway...

Thursday night we went out to the Ale House and drank for a while. Came back to his place, watched some Hell's Kitchen...and things went from there. It was a strange night but we both thoroughly enjoied it. Anyhow, we went to sleep at around 11:45. I woke up at 1:30 and thought I had to pee really really bad.

I went to the bathroom and tinkled just an itty bitty bit. Then there was a little pain. I didn't think it was a UTI at that point, since the pain wasn't very bad. I thought that maybe drinking without eating anything plus a crazy night had just lead to the general discomfort on the outside and the slightly annoying pain on the inside.

I crawled back into bed and tried to sleep. I tried to sleep for twenty minutes. I finally got out of bed and got dressed because there was no way I was getting any sleep over there and I wanted to get home and at least take some AZO to get some sleep.

I tried to wake Mike up to tell him I was leaving and I thought I had succeeded. I said "I've got to go," and he said "okay," and I kissed him on the ear and left.

I got home finally, took some AZO [which I noticed expired in October, but I figured 'what the hell, it's a dye...it's not gonna really 'expire,' right? WRONG] and promptly placed myself on the toilet to wait for the AZO to take effect so I could go back to bed and go to work in the morning.

An hour and a half later, not only was the AZO not working [even though my pee was definitely orange by then], but the pain had gotten to the point of tears for me.

At four thirty, I got dressed and headed out to wal mart. I know we've all been to wal mart in the early hours of the morning...but not around here. I hope I never have to do that again. I had to buy some non expired AZO...and after five minutes of walking around looking for a cashier, I was finally checked out by some lady who clearly did not understand the level of pain I was in. She took her sweet damn time with everything.

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm holding back a gallon of microscopic glass needles in my bladder and wishing I had simply shoplifted the damn box.

FINALLY I get out to the car and swallow two of the unexpired AZOs, get back home, park myself on the toilet again. Somewhere in here I checked my phone and at around 4 Mike texted me with 'are you okay?' As it was now nearly five, I figured he'd gone back to sleep so I didn't respond.

The AZO finally started to kick in, but I just wasn't doing a great job. The pain was certainly lessened, but I still felt the urge and the fullness...and it just didn't get the job done for me.

I crawled into bed even though I felt like I still had to pee and managed to nap for an hour. Woke back up to pee again [ouch] and called out of work. Crawled back into bed, slept for another hour, and finally decided it was time to text Mike back. I said I wasn't ok but that I was going to the doctor as soon as they opened and he called me the second he got the message.

He wanted to know what was up, so I told him. He said "I rolled over around four and was like 'what the fuck?!' You should have woken me up and told me something." I said "I did!! Or, at least I thought I did..." and I told him what happened and he said he didn't remember that at all. He told me to call him later to tell him how I was feeling.

I went back to sleep until nine, got a shower, took some more AZO, put some make up on, got dressed, and was going outside for a smoke when I decided to have another glass of water so I could properly pee for the people at urgent care. I got water out of the fridge...and I guess that was a mistake because it was incredibly cold.

Downed the glass of water and within ten seconds I was sprinting for the bathroom. I nearly didn't make it, which would have been a disaster of epic proportions since everything in the downstairs bathroom is white.

I did not pee, I vomitted...copiously. Three times I expelled my stomach contents [which, thankfully, was only water and little fragments of AZO]. Yeah, I've never seen a brighter orange before in my life. Some of it came out of my nose, so my nose was orange, too! And apparently if you vomit really hard, you cry...since there were tears streaming down my face...thankfully NOT orange.

Urgent care was okay, the lady wrote me a scrip for bactrim [whch I once had a terrible allergic reaction to as a child, I only remembered later, but so far hasn't had any negative side effects] a scrip for something better than the AZO but that works along the same lines, and s scrip for my vasculitis rash...since that, too, is coming back.

When I first got the vasculitis, I apparently also had a UTI...that I didn't know about, but which was nearly hospitalization material, as I was nauseous and having terrible stomach cramps and unable to eat much but crackers for four days. I am thinking now that perhaps the UTI is the trigger for the vasculitis. I might have had this particular UTI for a week or more without really noticing, the symptoms might have been incredibly mild until the other night when things went crazy.

So now it's been exactly 32 hours since I woke up in pain...and I feel back to normal. I know, though, that I'm not...and that I won't be for another week. And I'm really sincerely hoping that I don't get a freaking yeast infection on top of this mess from the antibiotics, as I just had one last month and it was a bitch to deal with!

I am tired of being sick all the time.

This virgo is concerned about the stars

2009-01-29T09:20:00.004-05:00

So I really haven't blogged in a while and even that was confusing and sad. This one won't be as confusing, but it only starts out happy.

A week ago we had a major snowstorm...more snow than I've seen in my life, actually. We got seven inches before it was over, and that was just what finally ended up sticking.

I packed a bag and asked Mike how he felt about the prospect of being snowed in with me for a couple of days. He said he was fine with that. I went over the night before it was supposed to start and we were anticipating waking up to a huge blanket of snow.

We woke up at 5:30 and sure enough, it was snowing...but it wasn't sticking to the roads. We checked the employee hotline anyway to see if we were supposed to go to work because they were calling for accumulation and dangerous driving conditions. Of course, Larry Wilson decided it wasn't dangerous enough and said we were going to be operating under normal conditions, etc. An hour later, it started sticking...and it was beautiful.

Larry Wilson decided to delay until 10 a.m. We both decided that was fucking ridiculous and called out of work. I didn't find out until later that, since nobody could get there anyway, our branch was closed all day.

Anyhow, I took a couple of pictures after Mike and I went out and played in the snow for a few minutes...including a mini snow ball fight. He was in the shower when I took these...and this is only at nine in the morning, it kept snowing until one thirty or so.

We went to Chik Fil A for lunch, which was scary. Came back and he decided to fishtail on purpose which was thrilling and funny. I took a shower, Nate came over and annoyed both of us. Then we tried to watch a movie, but we were too tired [since we'd been up since 5:30] so we took a nap together. By the time we got up, the sun had come out and it had stopped snowing...and it was all melting.

We went to the post office to ship some things he'd sold on ebay [found out later that was a huge mistake...retarded postal workers...jesus], came back and hung around. He made dinner and we went to bed.

When I left in the morning it took me ten minutes just to get into my car since it was iced shut and under seven inches of snow. Yay. It took me another twenty to get all the snow off.

So that's the happy part. We spent two days in the same space together and didn't kill eachother.

Here comes the unhappy part...for me at least.

Night before last we were out at the Ale House drinking some. No biggie, we do that more often than not. Except this time, he decided to say a couple of things that really hurt me...and I'm sure he has no idea why I was so upset.

I work with this chick named Ria. Ria is greek...Ria is pretty. Mike told me that a former co worker of ours named Victor [who has a girlfriend] was gonna ask Ria out for a drink and was going to invite Mike, but Mike wasn't actually supposed to show up.

Mike said exactly this to me: "My first reaction was 'you stupid bastard! You don't want me there because you know I would want to bang her...'"

WOW. Keep in mind, this didn't sink in until around forty minutes later...when we were on the way home. Nor did the offhand comment he made later before we left. He said "I would rather sleep with a chick that I don't mind being with than bang a random chick every night."

And when he said 'don't mind being with' he said it with the contemplative headshake and palms up gesture that means to me that he thinks I'm an ok person, but he doesn't really give a shit.

Like I said, I started thinking about all of this on the way home. I sat down on the couch and stared at fox news trying to figure out what in the hell was going on and why he'd say that to me. I was also trying to decide if it was important enough to be upset over...and I couldn't just make myself forget it.

He came over and sat down next to me and said "What's wrong, you look pissed." I shook my head and said nothing. He said "Seriously...what's up?" I said I was thinking. He left me alone for about three minutes while I continued to mull all of this information over. The truth is, if I hadn't been drinking [I wasn't drunk by any stretch of the imagination, just tired and I'd had enough to make this whole situation confusing and hard to wrap my entire brain around], I would have lit out of there and come home. I should have done so anyway, but I was still thinking about it, trying to see any way out of being mad about it. About an hour later, I had decided there wasn't any way around it...and even though we had sex, it wasn't anything to me. That's the saddest thing about it. I had to block the last two hours out of my mind to even pretend it was worth my time, and afterward I felt completely used and dirty.

Afterwards, I went to the bathroom and only just managed not to cry by the slightest margin and incredible self control.

He held me when we went to bed and asked me what was wrong again, and I again said nothing was wrong. He said "yes there is...you've been acting weird since we got back...what did I do? What did I say?" I said 'You don't want to talk about it, trust me.' and he said "Yes I do!! Tell me what I did or said and I will never ever do it again, I swear!" I refused to tell him.

He said "you're never going to tell me, are you?" and I said "maybe someday." And that was that.

I got up the next morning, got dressed, sat next to him in the bed and he tried to be funny and somewhat loving...and I didn't say a word to him. I left and went to work yesterday and I was a total mess all day. I cried three times at my station, and I hardly ever cry, and if I cry at work it's always in the bathroom or somewhere where I can be alone and it's never for very long and once I cry and stop, it's out of my system and I'm fine later.

Yesterday was totally different. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I have to sit next to Ria all day and I'm constantly reminded that she's prettier than me and that my [probably soon to be ex] boyfriend wants to sleep with her.

Yesterday was just awful on top of that for lots of other reasons...but I think his ridiculous words probably colored the whole thing a deeper shade of suck than it would originally have been.

I don't even think he remembers upsetting me...

Interpretive Dance

2009-01-15T19:53:00.003-05:00

I might have made a mistake a couple of nights ago. This past weekend while I was staying over at Mike's I had a couple of bad dreams. Saturday night I dreamed that he [for whatever reason] decided it was time to end the relationship and he did it in a completely cold way. Kind of like 'yeah well, it's been great but....' which is something I've heard at least six times in as many years and I'm really sick of hearing it. Anyway, I was heartbroken in the dream and when I woke up, I had cried a little bit [sleep crying...good times... :/]. I sat up in bed and I guess I woke him up because he reached out and pulled me down and I laid my head on his chest and he asked me what was wrong. Told him I had a bad dream but refused to tell him what it was when he asked.

The next night, I dreamed that some random guy sneaked into the house and tried to strangle him. He didn't succeed thanks to my quick reflexes and some other random people showing up to help me get the guy off of him.

So, the mistake I ended up making was telling him about both of these dreams on Tuesday night. He has a fairly dark sense of humor [we both do, actually] and his immediate reaction was to wonder why I wanted him to die. I explained that I didn't wish him violence in any way, but that I was afraid of losing him. He continued to make jokes about it the rest of the night, to the point where I felt like a total idiot and regretted even bringing it up.

I had to keep explaining to him that it wasn't that I wanted him dead, it was my own ridiculous insecurities and the not-so-stellar guys I have been out with in the past fueling this stupid fear that he is going to leave me.

"What have I ever done to make you feel like that?!" he asked me, completely incredulous. I told him [again] that it wasn't anything he had done, and that he hadn't ever given me that impression.

It's just my own silly brain trying to con itself out of something that is really good.

He made another joke about it when we were trying to go to sleep and I tried to explain it to him again. I had just about had it, but I completely understand that he's really insecure as well and he's trying to make sense of it, too. I turned over in bed and I was trying to explain, and then I gave up and said 'You just don't understand,' and he said 'no, I don't,' and then I decided to just go for it and say exactly what I should have said in the first place:

I turned back over and looked him right in the eyes and said "I dreamed that because I really care about you and I'm afraid of losing you."

And there was no reciprocation.

I expected something back...but I got nothing...

So I turned back over and said "There, I said it ... are you happy now?"

Then he said "Yes" very softly and I could hear the smile in his voice.

If that had been followed up with a cuddle or anything remotely resembling comfort [because I was clearly upset at having to recount this whole ridiculous embarrassing mess for the upteenth time], I would have instantly felt better...but god damn...now I am just worried I've fucked everything up.

When I originally brought it up we were at the Ale House and it was one of those silence fillers...and we talked about it for a minute and I made some ridiculous statement:

"I can just see it now...you saying to some chick 'Yeah, this one time I was dating this weird girl who dreamed I got strangled...weird.'"

And he said "I hope that never happens."

And I said "What the strangling thing, or the telling thing....or both?" and he said "both."

But now I am questioning my sanity...and my emotions...because I feel retarded now for telling him how I feel when he's not said any of that stuff to me yet. I mean, sometimes you could interpret the things he says or the way he says them as having a greater meaning...but when I pick up on that I instantly dismiss it as my imagination making shit up.

Whatever...I don't know.

Now for the second night in a row [something almost unheard of for at least two months] I am spending the night at home.

What in the holy hell. He asked me to come over last night...but it was the first day of my 'monthlies,' so I politely declined because I was in incredible pain...but said we could do something tonight if he wanted to.

I haven't heard from him all day...and I've tried talking to him...but he just doesn't seem to want to bother with me.

This is leading me to believe that the only thing I'm good for is the sex.

All the evidence is piling up like that. I don't know, I'm just really down right now. I don't know why he feels like ignoring me! What did I do!?

I didn't mean to pressure him the other night when I said that stuff...I just wanted him to get the point and shut up about it!

He's so damn confusing and I don't know quite how to deal with it.

Sunday I have to help Willis out with something for the Alliance...Monday I have to hang out with Lisa cause I haven't seen her socially since before Christmas. I hate that, I'd much rather spend time with Mike...but I can't ignore the other people in my life.

I just wish he'd text me and ask how I am or something...anything...but it doesn't seem like he wants to deal with me at the moment. Sometimes I'll make absolutely every effort to talk to the boy and he won't even say 'leave me alone,' he'll just ignore me...which is incredibly frustrating becuase I don't know if he's ok or not. Why am I dating a drama queen? Why?

I don't get men...at all.

Also, there was the conversation Sunday night [I think] with his friend on the phone. We were watching The Usual Suspects and he was talking to some friend who'd called. His little brother recently got engaged and that day he'd asked both Mike and David [Mike's older brother] to be the best men at his wedding. Mike said it was depressing. I guess his friend was talking about dating, and Mike said he was sick of it.

He's said all of that to me before...but only when less than sober.

I don't know...anything right now. Yay.

Kikkoman stir fry sauce is the BIZZOMB!

2009-01-01T11:18:00.003-05:00

What can I say about the transition between 2008 and 2009? I was hardly aware of it in a time sense. I can tell you though that it was the best death and rebirth of a year that I've ever experienced personally.

New years next year? Probably not as good.

I made stir fry and it was good. We bummed around the house for an hour, then figured he'd stay here. I was glad of that but I had to point out that my bed is smaller than his...so he suggested we go check it out.

We checked it out, alright.

It's big enough [the bed...not the...ok well...both yeah...whatever lol]

We decided to go to champps for a wee drink. I don't know how we do it, but lately we've been stumbling onto karaoke wherever we go. This particular kind of karaoke made me long for the butchery of the previous weekend though. At least at Michael Dean's it was okay music...at champps we got the macarena, some skinny white kid with absolutely NO rythm trying to rap to 'the real slim shady,' and a bunch of tone deaf people singing love shack and simultaneously eating the microphone.

One bottle of wine later, we were done with the bar scene. Came back to the house and popped in 'The Missing' with Cate Blanchette and Tommy Lee Jones. I did not realize the movie was over two hours long...jesus.

We made it to and hour and ten minutes into the movie before we gave up trying to restrain ourselves.

We had made it past midnight at this point. He pointed out that it was midnight and we kissed woohoo...lol

What happened after that I won't go into detail about but so far it seems like a lot of the time we're completely in sync in certain areas. Not always, but most of the time. We rang in the new year together, I guess you could say, lmao.

And so far that seems like one of the best times [aside from the first time].

We chilled out on the couch this morning and watched the news and some other stuff.

He was like "I have absolutely nothing to do today. I think I'm just gonna lay around." I said "You want some company?" and he smiled and said "yeah."

So he's gonna call me later.

I cleaned the kitchen and now I think I'm gonna take a shower and put my bed back together.

Why can't we see that when we bleed, we bleed the same?

2008-12-30T21:05:00.002-05:00

Mike rolled over at around three this morning and said in a surprised and sort of happy voice 'I dreamed about you.' I said 'really? That's weird.' He had told me that he never dreams about the girls he's been in relationships with until long after they're over...like 'ok...thanks a lot brain for bringing that up...' sort of. Anyhow, we were both kinda like 'wow...ok.' and I asked what happened and he said "You didn't kill me and I didn't kill you." and I was like "Was I supposed to kill you?" and he said "I don't think so..." So I asked what happened...and he said he was still trying to analyze it and refused to tell me.

Weird.

I couldn't [and still can't] decide what that means. It could be good, it could be bad. Aaahhh

I dreamed about him too, though. I dreamed that we were going about our relationship as it is now and we finally had that defining relationship talk [the one I've been stressing out over for the last two months lol] and after that, he was very loving and protective and incredibly serious about us.

Hm.

Today I had decided that it was a good day to be aloof and out of contact. I wanted him to sleep as long as possible and I also needed to be out the door on time, but I really wanted to have some time with him awake...cause we're awfully cuddly in the mornings.

Well, usually.

It's hard to find time to be cuddly in bed where it doesn't ultimately lead to other things that we both want...which I don't have time for since I have to leave by a certain time or risk getting to work late.

Monday morning both of us slept til the alarm went off which never happens and we both hate, so I had to beat feet out of there immediately. I got to pause briefly to kiss him goodbye, but that was it. I managed to make it home in time to get ready and get out the door at eight, but I felt cheated.

This morning it would have been better if we'd either gotten up ten minutes earlier or slept until the alarm went off because we didn't have time for anything...which lead to me being disappointed that he was disappointed. *sigh*

I hate that.

I found myself this morning fighting traffic and sleep for fifteen minutes and halfway through it I just was like 'this is retarded.' It would just be easier if we lived together, but that's a huge step that is way down the line.

I came to the realization that if this relationship fails [please please don't...I really really think we have excellent potential for happiness], that at least it's preparing me to live outside my mother's house.

I have probably spent a total of eight hours here in the last two weeks lmao.

I always want to be with him and I always want to make him happy [ugh I sound like a girl], but at the same time I understand that we both need our space.

We had talked about doing something for new years eve, but we hadn't really made any concrete plans, so I just decided to make dinner for him.

He's comin over tomorrow. And staying, I hope.

Mom and Richard will be in Farmville.

We'll see how things go.

ETA: Text log

Him: I want to go to there. [quick text joke lol]
Him: [30 mins later] What are you mad at me now?
Me: Lol no I was downstairs when you sent the first msg.
Me: Why in the world would I be mad at you? :)
Him: b/c you're a woman?
Me: Oh ok it's on now, buster lol
Him: Whatever, bring it.
Me: You got it.
Him: What do you mean? Oh and...I want to go to there.
Me: I mean it's already been broughten ... or something. Also, I miss you tonight.
Him: I miss you too
Me: Sorry I left so soon this morning. Wish I had stayed.
Him: Me too. I promise you would have enjoyed it.
Me: I always do.
Him: I am not happy going to bed alone :(
Me: Well you won't be going to bed alone tomorrow that's for sure. Goodnight Rowsdower.
Him: Goodnight Shiverdecker.

Heh.

Don't close the door on what you adore

2008-12-27T09:29:00.002-05:00

So Christmas eve wasn't that great for me. Mike and I ended up not sleeping well and getting up at 4:30 to boot. We both had to go to work and after work I was supposed to go to a movie and dinner with Stacy and Jo Ann, two gals I used to work with at the IBM branch, and he was supposed to go to his parent's in Durham.

Well, we got out of work late. The branch closed at two but I was helping Heather out by scanning some checks and Jo Ann had to help the ATM specialist put more money in one of the ATMs. We didn't get out of there until threeish, so we decided to go eat first, then go catch the movie.

While we were in the movie [Four Christmases...which is ok but not worth nine bucks to see], Mike texted me telling me he was coming back to Raleigh because he got to Durham and nobody was there! He was really pissed.

I didn't get it until an hour after he sent it, so naturally I called him imediately and tried to make up for my not responding as soon as he sent it.

He didn't answer, and didn't call back, and I left a message and I texted him telling him to call me cause I didn't want him to be alone on Christmas eve.

I got home and felt like I was on absolute fire. Everything hurt.

Took off my clothes and bam, more spots.

I was really feeling the stress. Not only was it like the longest day ever with barely any sleep, but it was my first day back at work [luckilly I didn't screw anything up] and people were in pissy moods, and then Mike had to act like he didn't care that I cared. AND THEN, more spots! It's not like I could get a break from those, right?

I just totally unloaded. You would not believe how many times I used the 'f' word. I went to sleep at around midnight and woke up a little after eight. Still in pain, still pissed off at Mike for not calling....and it's not like I wanted him to call and be all happy or something, I knew he was pissed off and I wanted to comfort him and just be there for him to vent to...but whatever.

So we did stockings first [as usual] and I got a tube of peppermint chapstick and two pairs of socks in mine lmao. This was incredibly funny and sort of sad for two reasons that 'santa' could not have possibly known about. 1] the chapstick? That is Mike's favorite 'flavor,' if you will. He won't put anything else on his lips and we're both chapstick whores. 2] The night before we were at the Ale House [that was part of his Christmas present, a gift card to the Ale House], and he was talking about how guilty he felt about my present. First of all, he gave me exactly what I asked him to get me which is awesome in my view. Secondly, I can't help that I've spent more time around his stuff than mine, and I'm just naturally observant so when he says he needs something, I store it away for future reference. Anyway, he felt bad for not being as thoughtful as me and I was trying to get him to understand that I really did appreciate his gift, so I told him "I'm a practical girl...I don't really like flashy stuff. Anything I can use instead of look at is perfect...like socks." And he says "so you're telling me to get you socks then, huh?" Lol no...

The socks thing has kind of been a running joke between us since I had to start wearing longer socks instead of the regular socks I usually wear because the regular socks put too much pressure on my ankles and caused them to swell. Anyway, all the long socks I have are 'theme' socks lol. One night he made a crack about my socks, being all smartass about them, and I said 'yeah, I can't wear regular socks cause they'll make me swell' and he felt like a total asshole...so I said 'yeah, think about that next time you wanna talk about my socks.' lol

But, I digress.

Mom got the family 'battleship,' so we played that. Texted Mike merry Christmas and junk. I asked him if he still wanted to get together that night and he said yes. We went to Farmville to hang out with Tony and Debbie [two of the coolest 'my parent's age' people ever....and actually Tony's dad is hilarious!] and eat dinner. Oh my god, everything over there was sooooo gooood! I must have eaten about ten metric tons of cheese and crackers ...and that was even before the real meal was ready!

Watched Richard shoot the Glock for the first time. Motherfucker that thing is loud as HAIL. Also, it's heavy too...damn.

I have absolutely no desire to use a gun...they're too big and clunky for me to make any good use of.

Anyhow, we were supposed to be home around six...well, we didn't leave until almost seven...and Mike was texting me all over the place 'are you home yet?' 'how about now?' lol.

I said 'it's almost seven, we're leaving now. I'll be home in an hour. You still want me to come over?' and his instant reply was yes.

I got over there and we lazed around...which is how I like it. We talked about Christmas and all kinds of stuff. He told me that when he got home the night before his heater had stopped working. He slept in a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and socks...which is way overdressed for him. I told him he should have called me back, I would have kept him warm. He said he was just really furious and he didn't want anyone around him, especially not me. He said I'd never seen that side of him and he didn't want me to.

I'm gonna have to see it some time, right? lol I didn't say that though cause he was already uncomfortable enough as it was talking about it. It sounded like he was trying to say something else though...but not something bad. I dunno. Whatever.

I woke up first yesterday at 6:20. I had to leave by 6:30. I spent a couple of minutes enjoying lying there, then got up and brushed my teeth and came back to bed. Woke him up gently and told him bye. He was all cuddly...it was too cute. He said 'have a good day,' and I reciprocated.

When I got to work, Heather had called out. So yay. Second day back on the job and I'm actually doing work that I haven't done in two months lol...nevermind the regular teller stuff...now I'm middle management!

Oddly enough, I did an awesome job. Well, I think so...but I guess we'll see on Monday [if Heather feels better...if not, I'll be doing her job again...yay!].

Last night we went to On the Border for dinner, then came back and cuddled for a little bit and then went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno...which was ok except for the 'that woman just frosted me like a cake' scene...disgusting.

We slept until eight thirty this morning, and now here I am...blogging about Christmas.

I forgot to add that even though I busted my ass runnin around yesterday, I didn't get any more spots and no swelling. I was really excited about that!! Hopefully this shit will leave me alone.

I'm not sure if there's a point to the story, but I'm going to tell it again

2008-12-22T08:14:00.004-05:00

Best moments of this weekend:

Friday afternoon Mike called. "What do you want to do tonight?" "I dunno, what do you want to do?" "I feel like playing pool."

xD I love it when he reads my mind.

I finally got over there. It seems like it takes me forever to get over to his house! It takes 20 minutes sometimes and we only live five miles apart. I seriously need to live closer.

Anyhow, I got over there and we headed out. Nate said he wasn't gonna come, he was gonna play some video game, so it was just me and Mike. We went out to Fat Daddy's and on the way, he shoved in "The Consolers of the Lonely" by the Raconteurs, which it Jack White's side band. He decided to give the last track on the album a chance, since he usually skips over it cause the begining is slow. I didn't know it was the first time he'd listened to it all the way through.

Anyhow, I put it on a short playlist. If you like it, I added some additional songs. Most of them are from their newer album, Consolers of the Lonely, but there are two from Broken Boy Soldiers. They're alright, not my favorite band, but they're not bad.

Super-powered by iLike

Anyway, Carolina Drama is absolutely insane...but the writing is amazing.

"He took a step toward the man on the ground
From his mouth trickled out a little audible sound"

I mean, seriously...that just flows like water.

Anyway, the ending is just nuts and both Mike and I were wating for some kind of acceptable resolution to the story...which didn't come, but didn't come in a way that made us shake our heads and go 'WHAT?!' and laugh. We laughed for like ten minutes over that...it was great.

We played pool for a while, then Nate, Ashley, and her friend Martha from Willmington showed up. I was insanely jealous for about five minutes because Mike was really drunk and he was being nice to Martha...then I realized it didn't matter because Martha is thirteen years younger than Mike and Mike was just being nice. I felt like a real douche, but hey...I am a woman...I get jealous!!! At least I got over it. Martha and I got to talking and I told her I was way past my 'A' game. I was not doing much better than Mike in the sober department.

We sat out a game, Martha and I, and talked. She's really quite nice and I think we'd get along really well! Anyhow, we played one game together against Nate and Mike. Mike was lining up a shot and I was telling Martha that he was really good at playing pool. All he knew was that I said something to her and then smiled, and he just looked up at me and told me to 'shut up' in that cute little insecure half smiling way he has. So I looked over at Martha and said "Yaknow, it's a rare guy who, when you compliment him, will be a total asshole."

So he knows we're talking about him and he says "What'd you say?" so I walked over there and told him...and he actually looked really sorry and sheepish. I said "Go ahead and shoot. Go on." and he was all apologetic.

Then the two of us sat out a game and talked for a while. I asked him if he was okay and he said yeah, he was just tired and a little drunk. And I said 'and incredibly sexy' which made him blush and giggle a little. I don't know why or what it was, but I signed and mouthed 'I love you' to him at one point and he smiled sweetly at me. WTF was that. I remember that, but I don't remember why. I think it was supposed to be sarcastic...but it kind of makes me uneasy that I expressed that kind of feeling so soon.

We had moments of PDA, which never happens, but it was sweet. The bill was nearly 80 bucks tho damn.

I drove us home in his car and did something I've not done in six years...which surprised the both of us.

Saturday night we went out to eat with Nate at Chili's...and I had a salad and it was the bomb. I need to figure out how to make a salad like that at home cause damn, I would have it every single effing day if I could. It's like the Southwest Salad from McDonalds, only a bazillion times better. The one at On the Border [NOT the retarded restaurant between here and SC lol] is soooo much better than either of those though...anyway.

OMG I am so hungry now. I would like a Chicken Fiesta salad from On the Border, and an order of Southwest Eggrolls please.

MMMmmmm

I didn't have dinner last night lol. I had tomato soup at around ten in the morning yesterday and that was it :/

We've been getting up early every morning ... naturally lol.

Last night we went to bed late and I dreamed about the beach and my family and owls and some crazy faucet bullshit. It's not the first time I've had this particular dream, it just isn't my favorite one cause everything is boring and grey and ... blah.

Anyway, he woke me up with a gentle cuddle and I turned over to look at the clock [since he had to go to work this morning and he hates it when the alarm clock goes off and he's nearsighted and he was facing me....] and I thought it said 5:09...which is way too early to get up. I told him it was only 5 and he said he needed to go back to sleep for an hour or so. He didn't think I thought he'd be able to, but I know he can lmao.

So he rolled over and I rolled over and looked at the clock again. That motherfucker said 6:20! I was like WTF!!! So I said oh shit...it's 20 after six! And he said 'You bitch' lmao. He was laughin and I was laughin...but nothing's worse than thinking you have an extra hour to sleep and realizing oh, well, nope.

He wants me to stay over when I go back to work. Logically I can only do that maybe three days a week. That will have to be the compromise. I think that might suit us better anyway since seeing too much of one another could kill our relationship. I haven't told him about this theory yet, however, and I don't know if he realizes I will have to leave at six thirty on the mornings I do stay over. We definitely need to talk about that tonight...since I go back to work Wednesday.

I have another appointment with the cancer doc tomorrow that I totally forgot about.

Then I have another follow up with the dermatologist on the 31st. Hopefully [although I am really doubting it] this mess will be under control by then. It seems the only way I can keep it from going out of control is to be on the 60 mg/day doseage of the Prednisone, and even then I've managed to get a few new spots.

I don't know how this is going to work out....or if it's going to work out.

Mike is still really nervous about having sex...but I told him I am not worried about it. He made it a huge point last night to let me know he was not joking in any terms. He said he does not want to hurt me at all and that he would feel like a complete jerk if something happened because of that. He's making a big deal out of nothing. So far it hasn't been a problem. I told him this and he's still nervous. Bah.

Alright. It's been twenty three hours since I ate last... I think I am going to rectify that situation. I only wish I could eat a southwest salad this morning....mmmmmm

Favorite part of dating someone totally unexpected?

2008-12-19T14:52:00.002-05:00

You get totally unexpected text messages that make you go 'awww!' and get all warm & fuzzy inside.

I never ever would have thought that Mike would be so ... I dunno ... soft? I guess that's the right word...We talked a little yesterday via txt msg after he got back from work. It was the usual stuff...I asked how his day went, he asked what I was up to, etc. I have spent every night [well, minus three] at his place in the last two weeks. I thought he'd be tired of me by now...I am kind of a different kind of person...

Anyway, here's how the rest of our conversation went:

Me: You wanna do something tomorrow?
Him: Sure. I miss having you here tonight.
Me: I miss being there. I guess we could fix that if you want.
Him: Yeah, if'n you want to.
Me: Aight, I reckon I'll be there shortly then.

^-^
He was really happy I came over. He's really very very cuddly...which is odd for a guy. I don't mind it, it's just very different.

He doesn't need an alarm clock anymore, that's for sure...lol.

I really like him. It's strange, I'm seeing a whole new side of the class clown guy I used to work with. He's incredibly smart and up to date on world events and can talk about politics from a neutral standpoint when it suits the situation...and that is an major turn on for me. I still remember one of the first times he impressed me like that at work, just comin up with random logic that made absolute sense...ugh, I had that 'wow he's awesome' flip flop feeling in my tummy and I had to look down and hide my smile so he wouldn't see how impressed I was.

It's different sleeping next to him now. Sometimes [and I've been caught doing this which is kind of humiliating] I will just watch him sleep. I always wonder what he's dreaming about.

Anyway, enough with the happy romantic crap...

I want to get my ass whooped playing pool tonight, so I hope that's what we're doing lol.

Say merry Christmas to Arkansas for me hon. I hope it snows a lil while you're there!

You take the good with the bad

2008-12-16T13:23:00.003-05:00

Couple things: Clobetasol foam is retarded. If you hate messing with mousse, AVOIIIID this shit. I have to use it, but you don't. Count your blessings.

Boys are weird. Hanging out with Mike tonight. I miss him...so this is a good thing, but the way he's been acting the last couple of days makes me think he's not so into me anymore. We'll see.

Disability claim approved. After a lengthy discussion with Todd at RMS, I have been approved for benifits from the 26th to the 24th. Yes, I am going back to work on Christmas eve. Yay.

Things I need to buy in a hurry: A holster for the Glock and a soft case for the shot gun [Good God, why am I living with two loaded weapons in the house? I will never say 'just shoot me' again]. Something else for Mike...don't know what yet.

Things I need to do today: Call Dr. Griffiths and make an initial appointment. Ugh, I hate dealing with new doctors. :( Lvl one more time maybe. Re apply foam.

Things I have already done today: Showered, picked up 43 tabs of Prednisone from CVS, applied foam liberally lmao.

Shocking moment of the day: HOLY GRAVY it is almost 2 p.m. WTF!?!

I want off

2008-12-15T14:28:00.002-05:00

I am beaten. I give up.

Yesterday after my post, I went to a fabulous holiday party full of good food, awesome people, and one of my best friends. Also, gay porn lmao. I milled around for four hours before finally deciding to go home. I sat down in my car and I felt a familiar pain.

When the LV flares up and my skin encounters any type of material or meets any resistance, it burns. Sort of like a sunburn. That's what happened when I got in my car to go home and I knew I was in big time trouble.

As soon as I got home I changed into pjs and examined myself in the mirror. Sure enough, widespread inflamation and more purpura. My feet are swollen now, too.

I've been on prednisone for almost two weeks now. While I was on the 60mg a day and 40mg a day doseage, I was doing better. As soon as I stepped down to the 20mg doseage, my spots started reappearing and now the swelling is back.

I left a message with the nurse at the dermatology center of raleigh telling her this and asking if there is anything they can do...change my meds or re-up my doseage of prednisone. Hopefully she gets back to me soon.

This morning I am past upset and just kind of apathetic. I almost feel like going to work on Wednesday and letting myself get so incredibly injured that I wind up in the hospital.

I feel like quitting my job because I don't want to mess with going on disability again, and I know that this thing is not going to get any better, so I am definitely going to have to apply for disability again.

If I paid for my own health insurance it wouldn't even be a question. I would be out of work right now. I am stressed out and tired of dealing with this mess.

My sleep cycle is all messed up, too. Last night was the first night in a week that I have spent sleeping without anyone next to me....and I couldn't get to sleep until three a.m.

I never thought I'd get used to sleeping next to anyone, but I have.

Doc called back. They're upping my doseage of Prednisone tomorrow back to the 60 mg a day and she's keeping me out of work for another week.

I don't know how long I'm going to be on this doseage, all she said was 'for longer.'

Also my insurance won't let me refill the topical cream, so my poor mother is having to scramble around and go to the dermagtologist's office before they close to pick up a 'sample.'

I am tired.

At this point, dermatologist declares prednisone is the safest treatment for the inflamation. Wants me to keep checking my blood pressure though.

whatever

Ever wonder what a woman at the end of her emotional rope looks like?

2008-12-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

Well tough shit cause I don't feel like taking a picture.

First of all, I am sick and fucking tired of dealing with this spotty shit. It needs to be over and fucking done with right the fuck now. I talked to a lady who has been dealing with her case of LV since 1995 and she says it has never gone away.

I've been on a tapering dose of Prednisone for twelve days. I have one more day of taking a full tablet, then I take half a tablet on Tuesday and then I'm done.

That's great, it's fucking wonderful. I am tired of taking Prednisone. Whoopie!

Yeah, it would be great if I were gettting better, but instead, I am getting worse. I am so sick of dealing with this shit! I cleaned out my car yesterday, that's the most strenuous thing I did all fucking day was vaccum the godamned car, okay? And I broke out EVERYWHERE again!!

It's enough to make you want to just curl up in a little ball and cry until you can't cry any more. I don't know what's going to happen on Wednesday, since that will be both my first day back at work and my first day off the Prednisone.

My prediction? I am going to swell up again and look even worse and I'll end up out of work for another fucking month waiting for this to go the fuck away again, which it won't, then I'll lose my fucking job and be a fucking burden to my family because I can't go anywhere or do anything without breaking out into one huge fucking bleeding rash that scares people even though they have no fucking clue that it is 0% contagious and non life-threatening to them.

Oh and the boyfriend? Well you can just forget that shit. What in the hell kind of use would I be to anyone if I can't even go out of the house without scaring the shit out of people? Not to mention the fact that this is not exactly the most attractive thing to look at.

What am I gonna do? I am so upset right now. I just want my life to go back to normal...or what passes for normal anyway.

Not only do I have to deal with fucking PCOS, but you're gonna shoot me a case of LV? What the fuck? How does this make any sense? Why do I have to deal with two conditions in my life that have no known effective treatment? This isn't just some ridiculous cosmetic thing to me either, it HURTS.

Let's face it, if I come home in the same condition Wednesday night that I did on the 24th of November, I would probably be much better of killing myself than having to go through all of this again.

This is just patently absurd!!

I am sick of looking at myself in the mirror or when I take a shower and seeing new spots.

I feel like I am never going to get past this...and I also feel like I am not being fair to a certain person in my life. We talked about this last night.

He asked if I was ready to go back to work...and I had just discovered the new spots...and I said 'no. I just broke out everywhere again.' I said I was pretty sure I was going to end up the same way I ended up that Monday. He said he really hoped that didn't happen...and he put his arm around me and pulled me into his chest and caressed me. It was a very nice moment. I said 'Not only do I have to deal with it, I'm making you deal with it, too.' and he said 'don't say that.'

AAAH I am so tired of trying to think positively about this thing! I feel like I have no hope anymore of leading a normal life. Is this thing going to continue on forever, or will it stop? Nobody knows. I've been researching papers on LV and the duration ranges from a week to 17 months.

I just feel like giving up.

I am the boredest bored that ever boreded

2008-12-12T13:53:00.002-05:00

I am supposed to call Mike at work maybe. I don't have a clue if he was being serious or not and I would hate to annoy him if he's having a bad day.

Also, I haven't been able to figure out if I am truly having a 'visitor' or if it's the vasculitis. Points can be made supporting either theory, but I really and truly have no way to tell. I can't go see the obgyn today. I might call on Monday if it hasn't stopped by then and make an appointment. I don't know.

Right now, points for it being vasculitis related include these:

I have not had a 'visitor' since September and I'm not pregnant [thank you modern medicine. This was the very first test in a long long line to come back lol]. I don't usually have a period unless I'm on my medication, which I have not been taking and have been instructed NOT to take until my pap comes back. To be totally honest, we were both just really way too ready to be very gentle. Also, I haven't experienced any cramping and the blood 'flow' has not really been consistent.

Points for it being non vasculitis related include these:

While I don't usually have a period when I'm off my meds, I did have one in August and September that were not medicinally induced. I have had a few that were insanely and abnormally light before. I know that sometimes sex [if you achieve orgasm] can trigger a shedding of the uterine lining, and that's a possibility. I also did not start bleeding until twenty or so hours after intercourse, and you would think that if I was gonna bleed as a result of 'trauma' it would have happened much more quickly than that.

I also have zero abdominal pain, either just laying around or pressing on my tummy.

Either way, I don't even know if my doc would be able to tell what the cause was.

I suppose my best bet is to wait a few days either way and see if it stops or not on its own.

I would be incredibly concerned over it, but, as I said earlier, it is a negligable amount of blood, barely worth wearing a lightdays pad over.

Not that I don't anyway, just in case lol.

In your Easter Bonnet with all the frills upon it

2008-12-12T11:02:00.003-05:00

Last night we went to the Ale House where we discussed my toothbrush.

"You may not have noticed, but I accidentally left my toothbrush and toothpaste over there this morning."

"Yeah, I noticed when I came home from lunch. I actually used your toothpaste." Lol

"Well, luckilly I had bought another toothbrush and some more toothpaste."

"Oh good, you can just leave that one over there then."

:D

We talked about Donna again and this girl named Brandy K. who was the girl he had taken out a couple of times. Donna had just totally fucked him up mentally. She wasn't a very nice person, I guess. So I am kinda glad he went out with Brandy right after they broke up because he was just all about the sex and he realized that and also he said Brandy reminded him of Donna in a lot of ways. He said "obviously I'm past that point, I don't just want sex anymore." Well that's good, glad we got that cleared up...since I hadn't realized that for myself yet. Here's interesting information for you, I wrote that sentence with all sarcasm, but it is kind of true now that I think about it.

I mean logically I knew he wasn't just in it for the sex because if he had been, he would have been gone a long time ago when this LV thing started...but it's different I guess really realizing it. I know, that makes no sense.

We talked about the first night...and how shocked I was. He said he was, too. He said he'd always been attracted to me and I explained to him that, with my track record, I had just decided to leave him alone. I told him I had been very attracted to him, but I was totally certain that I wasn't his type. He made that smiling looking down negating 'i can't believe that' motion with his head and I was thinking 'aww...' How lucky can ya get, right?

Also, despite earlier evidence to the contrary from his own mouth, I did find out that he was really planning on making a move on me once he found out I was the only person who was gonna show up at the Ale House that first night lol.

He likened it to fate. He said 'Victor, Joy, You...a bunch of other people were all gonna come out, but you were the only one that showed up.'

Of course I showed up! It was Friday and, gosh darn it, he made me giddy earlier in the day. I don't think I ever wrote about that though...brief recap:

Friday October 10th was the second craziest day I had to deal with that week. I was feeling pretty good by Friday since I didn't have to order money or anything and it was the last day I was gonna be responsible for this shit. Anyhow, it was crazy out on the teller line and one certain guy came in and deposited more than 10k. No big deal, this guy comes in nearly every day...but there is paperwork that has to be filed on every occurence and within a certain time period. It was just way too busy for any of the tellers to handle it on their own.

Well, Mike ended up being the lucky teller to handle this transaction. I IMed him a little later when I had some down time and asked him if he'd had time to fill out the paperwork and he came back with 'hells no,' so I said 'ok, I'll do it for you.' and his response made me well...giddy for lack of a better description. He said 'I love you.'

Lol I of course did not reply for a second cause I was just so overwhelmed. I never expected him to say that to anyone, let alone me, even joking. I came back with 'I bet you say that to all the girls lol'

Alright, so now you're caught up.

We talked about Christmas. He asked what I wanted and I said nothing, I never want anything. Of course he rolled his eyes like 'yeah, typical woman lol' but I said 'you can get me a gift certificate to best buy.' he said 'but would you actually use it?' No duh I would definitely use it. I said yeah, I need a new CD player in my car!

Then I asked what HE wanted and he said 'I don't know.' wtf. lol

So then I asked what he needed and he said 'I can't really think of anything I need. Just surprise me.'

Great.

I already got him a gift certificate to the Ale House waaaaay before I went on vacation, saving it for maybe Christmas if we were together that long, but I want to get him more. He said he 'of course' has a 'constant desire for more guitar equipment,' and I know generally what that means, but not specifically lmao.

So as of now I have had some really good ideas, but none that I can make happen before Christmas. I am gonna have to really think of something good, otherwise I am gonna feel like a total slacker. :/

I told him I was originally going to get him a little replica Delorean and put a big bow on it...but I can't find one anywhere! There are some on ebay, but they're kind of expensive...and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't get here on time anyway.

I don't know what else to get or do ... every time a good idea pops into my head, it ends up being impossible to execute.

BAAHAHAHA

2008-12-11T07:48:00.005-05:00

I don't expect anyone to get why I think that is so funny, so I'll explain. A while back there was an episode of Supernatural about 'Ghost Sickness' and Dean Winchester was supposed to be playing 'air drums' along with Survivor's 'Eye of the Tiger.'

Well, he decided to actually act out the song while they were filming and they tacked it on to the end of the episode. It is the funniest thing ever. Let me see if I can find it on youtube....

Okay so maybe you can't see the GIF so well. That's one of the things wrong with blogger, not all the pic fits. Oh well.

A few things. I left my toothbrush and toothpaste over at Mike's. I have another toothbrush and more toothpaste here, but I feel like a retard for leaving it there.

Also, I might have started my period. Either that, or one of my internal organs has been punctured lol.

I might write it off as pure coincidence, but as I haven't had a period since September and I just started having sex again two days ago and I have vasculitis, it's worth being concerned over I think. Having said that, I made absolutely sure when I got home yesterday morning that there was NO bleeding going on. It seems this light blood flow...and I wouldn't really call it a flow, more like a 'staining,' so light I thought it just might have been from my underwear...only started around nine p.m. last night.

Bah. It seems equally logical for it to be either thing at this point, since sex can bring on a period, so I will just have to wait and see if it stops or keeps going.

Also I [horribly awfully and most annoyingly] was mailed back my disability paperwork from the doctor. She was supposed to mail it back to the HR department, but evidently decided she knew what she was doing. I could barely read her handwriting, but I managed to figure out a few things; a] she obviously didn't read the letter I enclosed with the paper work, b] she doesn't know how to read [which would I guess cover A, right? lol], c] she just fucked me out of disability since she can't read and answered THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION [does this person need to be out of work, is essentially what it said] WITH "N/A." That is a yes or no question, you can't put 'not applicible' there! What the fuck is she thinking!? and finally D], I don't know if I am supposed to be at work right now because, even though the doctor's note they faxed said I was supposed to go back to work 12/17/2008, the paperwork clearly in several different places says I was released to go back to work yesterday.

This whole fucking thing is a goddamned mess and all because my doctor has absolutely no idea what the fuck she's doing!

I called and confirmed with HR that I was not expected back at work until the 17th, but I don't know what to do now because the paperwork she faxed back says I was supposed to go back yesterday. AAAAHHH!!

So now I am all kinds of stressed out.

I hate disability. It doesn't need to be this hard, really...it really does not.

Summer kept lookin over his shoulder at me

2008-12-10T09:08:00.003-05:00

I learned a lot last night. For one thing, I no longer care if it's 'safe' to have sex. I got tired of waiting. So far there have been no adverse side effects. Hooray. I think it's safe to assume at this point that I will not be worried about it in the future either lol.

I did really miss that part of our relationship, even though he kept telling me he didn't want to hurt me, didn't want to make it worse for me. I joked with him this morning and said 'yeah, thanks for messing up my internal organs, Mike.' and he said 'that is not funny.'

LOL I thought it was!

Anyway, I had a great time last night, and not only because of that.

He had asked me if I was gonna stay and I said I didn't know since the Prednisone was messing with me in not so pleasant ways. I did bring my toothbrush and toothpaste, but I had left them in the car because I didn't kow if I would be needing them this morning.

I said "I want to stay." and he said "well good, cause I really want you to stay." and I said "I always want to stay" and he smiled at me and it was sweet. So I felt better a little later and he said "You know, you should bring your toothbrush over." Lmao...I said "It's in the car." he offered to go get it for me, but I told him it was okay, that I could go get it.

It was a good night, and I have no new spots to show for it lol.

That is a good thing.

Hopefully he wants me to come over tonight so we can watch some MST3K w00t! I should get volume 4 in the mail today hopefully.

Once again in the bed

2008-12-09T12:52:00.003-05:00

So many things are happening, good and bad...and unkown.

After nearly all my spots went away, I developed a few new ones which has seriously bummed me out beyond reason especially since I shouldn't be getting any at this point with as much prednisone as I'm on. I ran around a lot yesterday doing stuff that definitely needed to get done and stuff that may not have really needed to get done imediately, just as a test to see if I'd get new spots or not. Sure enough, they came up.

Today I decided that I am spending as much time as possible stationary. I had to go to see dr. Carr this morning for the big girl check up and I think that's the last avenue of exploration we have as to how in the world I came up with this crazy vasculitis bullshit. If my pap comes back normal, then we're really at a loss. Personally, I really really hope it comes back normal. I don't want any abnormalities when it comes to that area, tyvm.

Yesterday I found the tube of Abreeva that I used when I had the cold sore. I totally forgot about that, but it could have triggered this as well.

Mike and I got into a text 'war' yesterday. He messaged me and asked me what I was doin, so I told him, then he hit me back with some ridiculous message and I realized he was using the quick text shit and for some reason that irritated me. He kept doing it all day long...like I wasn't gonna get tired of it and ignore him or something. I texted something back about halfway through this 'battle' that said "I find it incredibly frustrating that there is not a single negative response available," and of course, I got some retarded generic response back. I think it was 'what do you think?' and I said 'wow, that's what I think. Also, I don't even know why I am responding.'

Of course, his generic follow up to that was 'would you like to join me for a date tonight?' to which I gave zero reply. That was at about 2 p.m.

Yesterday I got up, got dressed, and went to wal mart where I spent 173.00 on stuff I really probably didn't need, but as I hadn't been to the store in three weeks or so, I think I was just restocking...maybe. Came home, took a shower, found out that Norton is a piece of shit because for some reason it won't activate, put my makeup on, got dressed, delivered disability paperwork to dr. trakimas, came home, made a gingerbread house and got stuff out to make dinner.

Mom has been bugging me since I came home from my unexpected night with Mike to bring him over for a meal. Last night, after he texted me some retarded shit again, I replied with 'want to come over for dinner? we are having spaghetti and salad.' Completely on a whim. I had thought he'd blow me off or something, but he was sort of excited about it...at least on the phone. He called and was like what time do you want me to come over...so I told him in like an hour or so...and I said 'are you sure?' cause damn, I really didn't you know...expect him to say yes.

He said "yeah, why wouldn't I want to come over?" wow...ok

I don't know what I did though...maybe I was way too nervous or something....but I just don't think it went well. I did manage to make him laugh a couple of times and major props to my stepdad for making him feel at ease...but I just don't think it went exceedingly well.

I am now getting one word responses to text messages. I hate that. To me that means that he is disinterested. I don't know. We haven't really talked about stuff....and I'm kind of afraid of that conversation for a few reasons.

I am kind of straying off topic, if there is a topic.

Holiday party at Willis' house this weekend.

I am just really bummed out that I am not better yet!

And I want to stop dreaming about Mike, unless it's a good dream. Dreamed about him night before last only in passing. I think I saw Millie deliver smokes to his house or something weird like that while I was running around town looking for my car in high heels. That was before I got lost inside the randomly huge church and boxed in by impossibly green carpeted walls...oh lord that was a scary dream. I didn't think I would ever make it out!

I really just want to spend time with Mike...but I don't know if he wants to spend time with me.

I hate being insecure and ridiculous. It's very unbecoming.

Also last night I dreamed about gigantic fish. I am talking two story house sized koi, people...wow.

Three tabs of prednisone + three day old starbucks white mocha = BLECH

2008-12-05T09:37:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I did a LOT of running around. I went to my stitch removal appointment...where the doctor decided I can't go back to work until Wednesday. This really sucks because now I have to go on short term disability....over three days. Three damn days. It's so retarded.

Anyway, I called HR and talked to the lady in charge of this kind of mess and she told me she needed a doctor's note from one of my doctors just saying they'd pulled me out of work and that I can come back on the tenth. I called the hematologist first and left a message with all the information they could possibly need regarding said note. I might mention here that the doc had said if I needed a note she would give me one, no problem.

Three hours after I left that message my phone rang. It was some uppity nurse who had obviously never had a course in decorum in her life. She flat out refused to send a note and told me to get the dermatologist to do it. If she'd been disinterested I wouldn't have minded much...but she was just downright nasty.

She works at Cancer Centers of North Raleigh. I sure hope she doesn't show that side of her personality to people who are actually dying. This is not the 'shug' nurse, by the way. She's way too nice for that.

What a fucking bitch.

So then I called Dr. T's office and asked them to fax a doctor's note. The receptionist was completely at a loss as to what I was talking about. She said she'd give the information to the doc and she would either fax the note or call me back. When I talked to HR later, they told me they'd not recieved a note as of then...and nobody from that office had called me at all.

This is not a difficult thing, people. It takes perhaps thirty seconds of your time. All you have to do is scribble "Jennifer Stone was pulled out of work on 11/25/2008 and will be ready to return 12/10/2008," then sign the damn thing and hand it to one of your receptionists to fax for you. It's very simple.

So then I called the HR people back so they could send me my disability package. She said she'd send it out to the branch because that would be faster. I agreed and waited around the house until ten til one because the mail usually shows up between 12:30 and 1. So I left out of the house and right as soon as the door closed behind me I realized I did not have my keys with me.

Yes, I had locked myself out. Fabulous. I had to sit on the front step and wait for my mother to come home and unlock the door for me...which took about half an hour. Thankfully I was texting back and forth with Willis, so it didn't seem like such an awful long time.

I sent Mike a text, too cause he's usually at lunch from 12 to 1. It said 'remind me to tell you about this day later if I live through it.' Lol

He called me at five after one and was like 'what's up? Why are you laughing?' I was laughing because damn it all, that's all you can do in a situation like that. You either laugh or cry and I'm tired of crying. So I told him everything that had happened thus far and he laughed too and said "That is a busy shitty day." I said it wasn't over yet, I still had to drive down to the branch and fill out the packet and make it home without getting into a wreck.

By the way, it's important to say that if I get in a car accident and sustain any kind of bumping or bruising or get twisted a little bit...normal injuries expected in a car accident, right?....I will most likely die. My blood vessels will explode and I will bleed uncontrollably internally until I finally just hemorage to death. Yay.

I made it to the branch where I had to explain about a billion times what was wrong with me. I waited around for the HR person to call me after I'd called her and told her I was ready to fill out the paperwork and stuff. I was there for two hours before I finally decided to just go home and mail the damn thing back to her at a later date.

While I was there, Mike called. He wanted me to come over later...so I said 'we'll see.'

I made it home, talked to the HR lady [finally], and got ready to leave. My mother said 'you are the one who is responsible for your health, I can't tell you what to do...but if you kill yourself tonight, I'll kill you!' lol...oh, mom!

My stepdad had an entirely different view. He was dead set against me going anywhere for some reason. Deep down, and I think this is because I am just always around, I know he cares about my well being...but he usually just backs off. It's different having him involved in stuff like this.

I, of course, went anyway...cause I needed to see him. I miss him! I can't help it.

We watched some MST3K and he asked me 'Did you bring your PJs?' and I shook my head and he said 'You're not staying?' nope again. I knew it would be important to keep my feet up. I've got to get as well as possible in a very short time so anything I can do to expidite the process is welcome.

I wanted to stay, as I always do, but I just couldn't. I might stay Saturday though, we'll see.

I love sleeping next to him. I always feel safe. Weird...but true.

The fact that there's a gun under the bed has nothing to do with the safe factor. In fact, if I thought about it while I was over there it would probably weigh pretty heavilly on the unsafe side.

We are supposed to go see Quantum of Solace tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well and I won't have any more new spots to be concerned over.

I was supposed to go deliver disability paperwork to Dr. T's office this morning...but I can't do it. My legs are just too sore from all the walking I did yesterday and I don't want to risk more spots. Also I would be defying her orders to stay in bed with my feet up if I went to see her. That might actually work in my favor though. I think that if HR hasn't recieved a note by Monday morning I am going to march [softly] up there and plant myself in the waiting room until they fax the damn thing and take the paperwork.

I asked the HR people if there was just any way it would be easier to take these three days unpaid and they said that that was really not an option. WTF. All this paperwork and mess and I get paid 66 2/3 of my regular paycheck for three days a month later.

It's just so confusing...and annoying...and unnecessary.

Dang.

Also, traffic was a bitch yesterday. On the way home from Mike's I really almost did get into a car accident. Some idiot in the lane next to me wanted to pass the person in front of him, but waited until I was completely even with his car to swerve into my lane. I saw him getting closer and stood on the brakes, sending up smoke and leaving skid marks....not to mentoin the fact that everything that was in a seat in my car is now directly in the front floorboard. Cripes.

He also got my horn...but it was just a quick 'holy shit did that just happen' tap. I should have laid on that thing like there was no getting away from me. I should have followed his ass home and sat in the driveway honking for at least ten minutes. Bastard.

I can understand that people make mistakes...but what the hell? Since when did you change lanes without looking? I was even with his window!! All he had to do was casually glance over and he would have seen that moving over was a no no...instead he decided not to pay attention and nearly got at least one of us killed. We were going 50 mph.

For understandable reasons, I decided not to let my mother in on that little part of my evening. lol.

Today I have decided to just lay around in bed. Maybe I'll play WoW since [surprisingly] I haven't played in like a week.

Godsame

2008-12-02T10:54:00.002-05:00

Mike just called. He called out of work today and wanted to hang out with me. Unfortunately I had to tell him that I am not allowed to go anywhere...so he just wasted a whole day. Hopefully he's not too bored. :(

I can already see that this is not going to be ending good.

The game is on again

2008-12-02T09:49:00.003-05:00

Well, I fell asleep before I could finish writing the last post. My last act was to hit the 'publish post' button, and I don't remember anything after that.

Anyway, I looked a mess and actually did have to wait about ten minutes for them to get my prescription ready. What in the fuck goes ON in that CVS? They called it in between one thirty and two p.m. and I tried to pick it up at three forty five and it still wasn't ready. Jesus, all you have to do is put two tubes of whatever cream it is in a bag and staple it shut, it shouldn't take you two hours to do that. I know there are other people in front of me, but damn! There are six of you working in there....SIX people! Two hours or more is ridiculous.

So I had to wait...and wait.

One of the worst parts of this thing is that I get weird nerve sensations that kind of hurt and tickle at the same time, usually in my feet. Not a good thing when you're waiting to pick up your 'scrip in the CVS Drive Thru. Wow. So I looked like I was dancing in my car while waiting on these retards to get my two tubes of whatever. Luckilly the car was in park.

Anyway, mom came home, took one look at me and called both doctors and left messages. She wanted to haul me in to see the dermatologist today, which I was completely opposed to. I have to go see them on Thursday anyway.

Dermatologist just called and I had to confess the crawling through my car to get out of the parking lot episode. She was very upset with me. "You have a very serious condition and I want to make it clear to you that you cannot go running around like that. I am sorry to restrict you, but we don't want your vital organs involved."

She is totally right. I always try to move very gingerly when I'm up and around and out and about, but I had absolutely no control over who parked where yesterday and, if you remember, it was VERY cold and windy yesterday.

I wish now that I had waited for that godamned asshole to get back to their car so I could royally chew them out for being so retarded....but what's done is done, and in perhaps forty seconds [there again, moving slow on purpose] of crawling through my car, I undid a week's worth of recovery.

She is sufficiently pissed at me to prescribe two weeks worth of Prednisone in addition to the cream I'm using [basicaly prednisone in a bottle].

I am not happy.

I've played all my cards

2008-12-02T00:08:00.002-05:00

I am at a loss. I went to my appointment this morning confident that I would be provided an answer as to why my body has staged this massive revolt. I was wrong of course.

Ten times now I've been stuck for blood. I've been sawed on and stitched up in the name of science to asuage two mad doctor's thirst for new infection. What did I get in return? I got to wait an hour and a half past my appointment time in a ridiculously small examination room and for what? For this conversation: "So why am I doing this?"

"We may never know why."

All my tests came back negative. Every last one of them. I should be grateful...and I am, mostly. Although I would really like an answer as to why this happened so that I can prevent it happening in the future. I would like to know what the deuce I did to bring all this on so I can avoid it in the future, but evidently I will never know.

Mike called at 12:45 to get an update. Lucky for him, I had just gotten home and hadn't yet had a chance to go to the bathroom. That part of it makes it incredibly lucky for him...maybe.

I told him everything I knew....which amounts to nothing, depending on how you look at it. He said "Well, the lack of devastating information is a good thing." Yeah, I had to agree with that, but I said that I don't know what it was that did it that caused it so now I have no way of preventing it in the future. He said "Okay then. Everything you were doing before; just stop doing that."

I had a feeling this was going to come up and I was ready with a retort. I said "That includes having sex with you."

There was a pause on the other end of the line and then he said "Okay, let's not get crazy..." and he laughed and I laughed...and that was a good part of the day. I told him I didn't have anything else to tell him and he had to get back to work anyway.

I have to say at this point that I needed conditioner and the super target by triangle town center is the first store I pass between CCNC and home, so I popped in there for a bit. I spent more than I probably needed to, but I got new sheets for the bed. I was hoping that the dermatologist's office would call and tell me they'd phoned in my prescription [since there's 'technically' nothing wrong with me except the rash, they've basically decided to give me two huge tubes of some immunosupressent cream I'm supposed to lather on three times a day which will make my spots go away faster. Why in the hell didn't they give this to me a fucking week ago? Goddamnit.] Anyway, I was hoping for Dr. Trakimis' office to call while I was out but I got tired of being out of the house and so I gathered all my shopping and my pretty Starbucks coffee and walked back out to my car.

Here's the deal, I parked next to a van. It was red. There was enough space between me and the white line for me to comfortably enter and exit my vehicle, no problem. I got back out to the car and, lo and behold, a different van has occupied the space next to mine....except now they're parked mostly over the white line.

I momentarilly audibly raved in a stream of rather colorful words that I'm sure had people around me embarrassed for me. I thought 'well maybe it's not as bad as it looks, maybe I can squish in there or something.'

I unlocked the door and tried to open it. I got about seven inches of clearance before [as I had intended] smacking the side of the silver Dodge Caravan with my door. Hard. Well, as hard as seven inches of momentum will allow you to hit anything [for once I am not going there with the double entendre at all]. Anyhow, I tried this several more times with the same result.

I finally stood back and decided I'd either have to crawl over from the passenger side to the driver's side or wait for who the fuck ever belonged to the van to come out of the store before I could leave. I opted for the crawling because I was really fucking tired of standing out in the cold wind when all I wanted to do was go home and maybe play WoW or something.

I know at some point we've ALL had to do the ridiculous climb/crawl. It is something I've done a couple of times, so I know I can manage. I made it into the cockpit and fired up the engine and got the hell out of there cursing a blue streak at that van all the merry way.

Oh, if I had only known then what I know now.

That godamned son of a bitch in the van...that asshat oh dear lord...is responsible for the Horror in the Bathroom.

I got home and talked to Mike...then I had to pee, so I went in there and commenced with the removal of undergarments and overgarments and such [not in that order, obviously] only to notice that not only had my legs broken out completely...again...but I also took off my hoodie and nocied that my arms ...everywhere...had broken out again.

Stomach was more of the same...more fresh, red, swollen and irritated welts where there should be fading brown or purple patches.

I was so disheartened and frustrated. I still am. Jesus fucking christ, I was getting better!!!!! I was two days past a fresh welt....and then bam....everything's involved again! How long is this shit going to hang around? My god, I won't even be able to put on a shirt without breaking out again!

I was going to go get my prescription as soon as they called to tell me they were going to call it in, but I called mom and asked her if she'd pick it up instead cause, along with the new 'rash,' I also started swelling in the feet again. I just cannot catch a fucking break. She said she's go get it...but I had to call it in to the walgreens across the street from the CVS I usually go to. WTF I've never been to a walgreens for a prescription before...hello? I would have to go get it myself anyway cause they'd want to see my ID and insurance card so I wouldn't pay a bajillion dollars for that cream stuff.

I was like 'why can't you just go across the street and get it?' I figured, logically, that by the time she got over there to pick it up it would have been at least three hours old. She said last time it took her twenty minutes to get my prescription at CVS and she sighed really big.
I was like 'fine, whatever.'

When they finally did call me to ask the pharmacy number. I gave them the cvs number and just decided to go get it myself.

I gave up on trying to be pretty. I was out in my electric pink hoodie, ocean blue tank top and my red coca-cola pajama pants. Fuck you society, I am not going to risk more 'rash' just to look sympathetic.

note to self

2008-12-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

8:15 thursday dr. trakimas; suture removal.

Yet another Muse post

2008-11-30T12:24:00.003-05:00

That song is called 'eternally missed.' It is true that it's missing about forty seconds. Ten seconds at the begining and the rest at the end, but it is easily [haha] the best version of the song on youtube. Also, since it's a B-Side, there is no real video for it. The person who made it just mixed a bunch of footage.

Let me tell you why this song is one of my favorites. When I first heard it I was instantly captured by Matt Bellamy's vocals, then the beat, then around the 3:20 mark I was absolutely nuts about the song because of the guitar work pounding out the beat.

Last Friday when I got home from urgent care and was researching ITP/ITTP I was listening to it on repeat. Finally everything just totally got to me and everything just crashed down around me at the 4:20 mark when Bellamy goes into a slighty mournful version of the chorus and I just lost and started sobbing.

Chase your dreams away
Glass needles in the hay
The sun forgives the clouds
You are my holy shroud

oh no no

I just don't care if it's real
That won't change how it feels
I just don't care if it's real
That won't change how it feels

No it doesn't change

And you can't resist
Making me feel
Eternally missed

And you can't resist
And you can't resist
Making me feel

That's about the whole song lol. There's lots of repetition, but there you go.

I want to touch the other side

2008-11-29T13:28:00.005-05:00

I really have nothing to say. Today is just one of those days where there is absolutely nothing on TV and I know that if I play WoW I will end up falling asleep in the middle of a mob and end up dead lol.

For some reason I had this crazy urge to download 'The winner takes it all' from the Mamma Mia soundtrack [What?] and now it's on repeat. I am wondering if this is some kind of cosmic foreboding.

Last night I brought my PJs over to Mike's cause sleeping in my jeans Thursday night set my 'recovery' back at least three days. I got all kinds of new 'eruptions' from that. I also secretly stowed my toothbrush and toothpaste in there too, cause I'm tired of waking up with terrible breath and sticky teeth. Ick.

So Thursday night we watched this movie called 'Bottle Rocket' with Luke and Owen Wilson. Mike is a big fan of Wes Anderson. He told me about this time when he was 'young' [20] and sitting around with a bunch of guys at [+The Duke Gardens+] drinking and smoking weed [such is life when you're 'young,' eh? lol] and all of a sudden this cop came walking up and everyone split. He said he ran and the cop, naturally, ran after him. As he was running he said it didn't feel right...he said he was thinking 'this is wrong, this is not me...' and he stopped running. Then the cop tried to tackle him to the ground and failed lol.

Anyway, they let him go. I don't know what it is with this guy. He's so damn lucky with the cops...it's unreal. Of course, this might all be karma. I'll follow this lucky story up with another one that does turn out to be incredibly lucky, but I'm sure wasn't at the time.

Monday night we were talking about randomness [as usual] and he said 'I've had three concussions. Most people go through life without even one, I've had three.'

The first one happened in the parking lot at Kroger when he was like three. Some drunk ass german bitch in a BMW ran into his mother's station wagon and it wound up on top of him. He said that in the ambulance he kept trying to go to sleep but the paramedics wouldn't let him. He said they told him if he fell asleep he might not wake up.

It also broke his nose...and I had noticed that it must have been broken at some point, but I think it makes him look better. I don't know. He's got a wee baldish patch, he wears glasses cause he's nearsighted, his nose has been broken. None of it really makes any difference to me.

Anyway, he said his second concussion was when his brother got pissed at him in his [I think he said] grandmother's car and picked up one of the seat belt buckles [the female end lol]...

...and whammed him in the back of the skull with it.

Wow.

And we'll end on a funny note. They played this on the radio earlier this week and I'd never ever heard it before. Apparently at least one version of it has been circulating since 1974 or so. Odd.

Did someone say 'Death Knight?'

2008-11-27T01:00:00.001-05:00

Oh yeah.

WoW changed the screencap stuff...so none of the stuff I had up in the window showed up. Oh well. No biggie.

I am now lvl 60 and the only downside is I have to re do all the outlands quests because northrend is like 68+. Yick.

I just want to let you know my mind refuses to let you go

2008-11-26T19:29:00.004-05:00

HIV result = Negative.

Urgent care people called this morning to let me know the result came in but I said I couldn't go get it, that I was on bedrest and I asked if my emergency contact could come pick it up. The nurse said she had to ask the doctor and put me on hold. When she came back on, my reception got all fuzzy [naturally] and all I heard was 'negative,' so I said 'I'm sorry, what was that?'

'The doctor just told me to tell you that the test result was negative.'

There was much rejoicing.

Then around 11:30 [right as I was making my way back to Honor Hold as a Death Knight (super duper awesome, by the way...yar!!)] the hematologist's office called and wanted me to go get a chest x ray and then come see them.

It took me around forty five minutes just to shower and get back in bed to attempt makeup. I mostly half assed it cause I knew I wasn't gonna see anyone who would care what I looked like.

I got dressed, which was insanity in itself, and then I came to the shoe part. I finally just dug out my cat chewed flip flops and put them on. It was 54 degrees today, I was fine lol.

I decided to drive myself. Big mistake. I have road rage bad....and people were driving like they always do in Raleigh which gave me a chance to really get my blood pressure up.

Got my chest x ray [after some confusion because I didn't have an order for it and they didn't fax one either lol] and hobbled on over to Cancer Centers of North Carolina to go visit with Dr. Deutsch and get more blood drawn for more lab work. The nurse, who is very fond of calling everyone 'shug,' told me they were running a test for staph. Eeek. Mom's boss died from that almost two years ago...I don't want that.

I checked in and sat down and the waiting room gradually filled up [it was a busy day]. The nurse came out to visit with me briefly and then Dr. Deutsch came out and sat down with me. She used the word 'profound' when referring to my 'rash' and swelling again, just like she did yesterday, and asked if the dermatologist had thought it was vasculitis as well. I replied in the affirmitive and she nodded. She added that both of them were very 'fascinated' with my illness. I saw the brief analytical flash and cold blooded side of doctoring [as every good doctor should have] flash in her eyes for a moment.

I've never had a doctor that obviously interested in something I've had lol.

She covered it up well though with a 'but we just need to figure out how to get you better.' Haha

I hope so...I don't want to be someone's lab experiment, thank you very much. Unless it pays more than the 26000 a year I currently make...then we can talk...but only if it's a MUCH higher number.

Nothing much else happened except for general boredom until around five thirty.

Mike and I texted for a minute before he called me. He was on his way to Durham to stay with his family for Thanksgiving.

I miss him.

He was asking me what I had [leukocytoclastic vasculitis] and why [don't know yet, have to wait until Monday] and he said that was pretty shitty to happen the day before Thanksgiving. I agreed, but secretly thought 'it means I will have an answer to this crazy mess.'

Now if I had been able to see a competent doctor before I went on vacation, who knows; I might just be all better now or at least on my way.

We were talking Monday night, cause he invited me out for a drink, and he asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I said we were supposed to be going to Farmville to spend it with a couple of people, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to go because I didn't know if they realized that I would have to work on Friady. They never said anything about when we were leaving, how long we were staying, etc. He said 'you shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving...you can come with me to Durham.'

And I said 'if you don't mind showing up with crazy-spotty lady,' and I held up my arms and he laughed. I said 'your whole family would take two giant steps back and give you the one eyebrow look like wtf.' And he laughed again. But I said 'that would be cool...yeah I'd like that.'

Aw how sweet. I wasn't even thinking about Thanksgiving at that point because my legs and feet were swelling uncomfortably by then.

We also had a great conversation that night. One of those crazy off on a tangent conversations that always just go a billion ways from rational. We were talking about something about time machines and he said 'yeah let me just hop in a .....what was the name of that car from those back to the future movies?' and I can't believe I remember this even now but I just blurted out 'delorian!' and he was like 'yeah! Let me hop in my delorian and take care of that for ya.' Then we laughed and I said 'that sounds like a name' and he said 'yeah, it does! DELORIAN, GET IN THIS HOUSE!' ahhaha we traded that kind of stuff for a minute and he said 'in like twenty years I'm gonna have a delorian and it's gonna be awesome.' I said 'yeah, you'll be tooling down the road with an antique license plate on that thing.' He said 'oh yeah, and the duster and the hat and the gloves...' and I added 'and the goggles, too! Tinted green!' we were already busting up laughing at this point and he said 'yeah at some point I'll just blow a stop light and get pulled over by the cops.' More laughter. He said 'I can just see the officer coming up to my side of the window as I'm reaching for my registration in the glove compartment and being like 'sir, couldn't you see that stoplight was red?' and I'll turn and look at him and shake my head and say 'no.' and he'll be like *throws hands up in the air and shakes head in a wow i can't believe that shit way* 'have a nice day sir,' and he'll walk back to his car still shaking his head.'

We laughed at that for a long time. I am laughing at this very moment. Even the retelling is nowhere near as funny as you should think it is. I was nearly in tears I was laughing so hard.

Anyway...we were talking tonight and he was telling me that his Thanksgivings were usually pretty bad. The incident with the shooting of the friend [non lethal] and the incidend with Bubbles [lethal] both happened at Thanksgiving. I said 'well, I hope that this year is fairly mundane,' and he said 'well, it's not. Not with the shit you're going through. That's pretty fucked up already.'

He asked me if my family was gonna stay home tomorrow since I can't go anywhere and I said yeah and he said 'they'd damn well better.'

I told him that I had told them to go ahead and go over there since they were their friends, not mine anyway and he said 'yeah but what kind of parent is going to do that?'

He had a point. I didn't even bother telling him that for a while there a half day in Farmville without me was the plan. I don't mind being alone. I don't care what day it is. I told him I spent my birthday alone and he was...I wouldn't say upset about it, but he thought it sucked that I spent my birthday alone.

He said the same thing to me that I said to him before I left...which was 'my phone doesn't work for phone calls where I'm going. It should be good enough for texting though...so I'll give you a call or text you later.'

We'll see.

Next big holiday is Christmas. I'll see what I can do in the way of unusual illnesses for then lol.

Awww!

2008-11-25T23:24:00.002-05:00

You excited about House tonight?

Hm...Should I be?

Probably not. So how are you going to keep from going crazy around the house?

I have no damn idea. I will probably start work on my first work of fiction entitled 'my life upstairs.'

I hope everything turns out ok.

Me too. Thanks for always being there for me. I know that sounds ridiculously lame, but I mean it all the same.

You don't need to thank me. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

Boys are confusing sometimes, but for man like reasons....and sometimes they just completely befuddle you for not man like reasons...like that conversation. The 'always' on my part was probably a little much and I did visibly cringe when I saw I had actually written 'always' instead of merely thinking it, but he did well in the face of that lol. He keeps saying that ... let me know if I can do anything...

*sigh* I don't know what to say to that. 'Thanks but I don't want you to see me like this ever' ? lol

Hold on til I collapse

2008-11-25T18:51:00.002-05:00

Okay so I feel like I shouldn't even post anything until all my bloodwork comes back...which is including the more recent bloodwork that just got sent off today.

New shit includes the fact that this weekend I was getting better....at least I thought so. Monday morning I went to work, but by four p.m. I knew that was a mistake. My legs and feet swelled ... and I don't mean just like...meh, it's kinda swollen. As of now, none of my shoes fit....including slippers.

Socks? You can just forget it.

Anyway, I went to the hematologist today who was very impressed with my swollen-ness. She said 'first off, this is not ITP, because your CBC was normal' [oh yeah, that finally came back yesterday...and I talked to the nurse and asked her why if, as the doc said, I had ITP/ITTP whatever my platelet count was normal...she said she didn't understand it either. whatever] I said 'yeah, that didn't make any sense to me either.'

Anyway, what she said is it looks like some form of vasculitis. The one that fits best is [+Hypersensitivity Vasculitis+]. She said something about leukocytoclastic vasculitis [which I've come to realize is the same thing lol]. Anyway, she was very adamant that we got a skin biopsy the same day so she referred me to a dermatologist down the road.

Then I had to pee in a cup...what fun. I didn't know I was gonna have to do that or I wouldn't have peed before I went into the office lol. So she got about thismuch pee. I'm all tapped out, lady...sorry.

I couldn't move all that fast though since a] my shoes were on funny and unbuckled to accommodate my suddenly size ten feet, and b] every time I fucking moved I was in total and complete agony.

My twenty four year old body shuffled down the hall at about .005 mph. It should never do that.

Anyway, we finally made it to the dermatologist's office where I was boipsied twice, which hurt so bad I cried, stitched up, and told that I would be called if there was any information. She agreed it looked like vasculitis as well.

Vasculitis vs. TTP/TP whatever.... I'd rather have vasculitis, tyvm...even if I will have to be on prednisone for the rest of my life and gain a bajillion pounds....at least I won't have cancer.

Except we don't know that either yet lol.

Hopefully all my blood work will come back tomorrow.

Also, I just got another couple of days vacation. I ain't goin nowhere until at least monday. I wish I wasn't in so much crazy pain.

Right now my feet and legs are on fire. I am not enjoying lying here one bit.

The best way to describe the ouchiness is to imagine the worst sunburn you ever got, then drag steel wool over it repeatedly. Welcome to my life.

Cross your fingers for good results.

Also, my HIV test is still not in....and I likely won't know the results until Saturday anyway since I have to actually go down there and pick it up even if it's a negative result. Obviously I am on bedrest and so I cannot do it lol.

Once more, with less feeling

2008-11-23T09:58:00.003-05:00

They don't know why I have TTP yet, which is why they are calling it 'idiopathic.' I didn't, apparently, give the doc at urgent care any reason to suspect it was secondary TTP because I've been dealing with it for a month or so and by the time anyone with any sense got around to looking at me, I couldn't remember anything I might have taken [from the medicine cabinet at work, for example] that might have set it off. I also couldn't remember being sick and having that cause it. This is why they are doing a bunch of bloodwork, to figure out why.

If there is no 'why' [and I fervently hope this is the case....with all my being], then it will have truly been a case of idiopathic TTP.

However, while we were talking and before she could say anything, I asked the doc if she could run a couple of additional tests. The first thing out of my mouth was a pregnancy test [because I needed to know] and the second thing was an HIV test. She nodded at that and interrupted me to tell me that she was going to ask that I have one done anyway.

It wasn't until later in the day when I got home to research a bunch of stuff that I found out that HIV is listed as a trigger for TTP and that TTP is sometimes one of the first signs or symptoms of HIV.

Which is why I was so incredibly upset when I posted last. I had just finished crying when I wrote that and I wasn't really in any shape to be posting anything anyway.

As it is, I am still deeply concerned about the HIV thing. If I do have it, then it will have been from at least two years ago because it really hasn't been long enough since I first slept with Mike to have as significant of a reaction as this.

This leads me to believe, as retarded as it may seem, that I don't have HIV. You would think that between two years ago and now I would have had some other kind of symptom.

I know it can't be from farther back than that because between two years ago and nearly two years before that [which was when I'd last been with anyone], I had given blood and they would have tested for that and let me know if I had it at that point.

I have always bruised easily. The last bruise I had, in fact, did not go away for three weeks.

I was also thinking about medications and illnesses I had in the previous month. Medications, not so much...as the last time I took anything outside of Ibuprphen was back when I had my neck problems and that was in July [I think]. As far as illnesses, specifically viruses, the only thing I can come up with was that damned fever blister.

If, by some chance, I do have HIV, then I've not only killed myself, I've killed Mike....and I can't live with that.

If I fuck up and in the process end up doing something that shortens my own life, that's my own lookout. I don't think I could handle killing another human being though...ever.

Which is why I am so upset about this.

I've told Mike most of what's going on, but I left out the HIV stuff. There is no point causing tension where uneccessary. I'll find out tomorrow or Tuesday either way and we'll go from there.

I fully plan to get tested again in a couple of months though, just to be absolutely sure.

Also, the pregnancy test was negative....just in case anyone is wondering about that.

2008-11-21T14:19:00.003-05:00

Dr says I have [+Idiopathic Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purprua+]. She doesn't know for sure. It's an autoimmune disease. Obviously I researched it and came up with several things.

Either I have Cancer [leukemia, most likely AML or acute myeloid leukima] or HIV.

Either that or I'm just bleeing for no reason, which would be incredibly awesome and I will take that over anything else...for obvious reasons.

I have cried over it and will be crying over it until ... well I don't know when.

The folks at urgent care referred me to the local cancer centers of america people who have a hematology department. My appointment is Tuesday at 1:45.

What should I give thanks for this year?

Hopefully a negative HIV result. I will be very happy with that. Even if I do have cancer, I would rather have that than HIV.

If I live that long...because here's what it says under 'prognosis' for TTP:

The mortality rate is approximately 95% for untreated cases, but the prognosis is reasonably favorable (80-90%) for patients with idiopathic TTP diagnosed and treated early with plasmapheresis.

Approximately one-third of patients experiencing a TTP episode have a relapse within 10 years following their first attack.

Secondary TTP still has a dismal prognosis, with mortality rates despite treatment being reported as 59% to 100%.

I do not know what to say.

Glass needles in the hay

2008-11-21T09:30:00.002-05:00

Okay so I am concerned about things. Instead of getting any better, my rash got a bajillion times worse. I now look like a leper. I have no pictures but trust me when I say I look 100% contagious. I am not contagious, but I still look it.

It is so bad that we were all concerned that I wouldn't be let onto the plane.

I covered it up as best I could and nobody said anything to me, but it sucked when I got hot and couldn't take my hoodie off on the plane for fear of causing an emergency landing.

I am going to pick up the dog and the cat and then I am going back to urgent care and they are going to fix me...godamnit.

I was doing a little research this week [the one opportunity I got to look at a computer in private] and came across a very helpful website.

The only thing I can make fit into this neat little package is syphilis. I don't know why I got it, since Mike has not show any signs or symptoms of contracting the disease.

I only know it is no allergic reaction.

I am going to make them do bloodwork on everything lol. I need an HIV test anyway, not to mention a pregnancy test.

Syphilis doesn't really fit either, but it was the only one on the list that didn't itch and it resembles some of the pictures I've seen.

Since I haven't had sex for two years [pre Mike, of course] the only other place I can think of where I might have contracted it would be the bathroom....at any establishment.

From now on, I am going to wee standing up...and just wear dark wash jeans so nobody can tell when I miss the toilet.

Then again it may not be syphilis...but we'll see.

Treatment for it is fairly easy and I should be good to go after a little IV penicillin.

It doesn't really fit because I also got more 'rash' where my socks bunched up on my ankles. I don't know...ARGH

I saw a doc in Oklahoma and she told me I needed bloodwork, that when she pushed on my rash it didn't blanch, so it wasn't just a skin irritation. She said something about needing to check my platelets.

We'll see.

In the mean time I am catching up on stuff.

Also, I don't remember reading your blog Cass...but then again, it's been a long week. :/

I just don't care if it's real, that won't change how it feels

2008-11-15T05:04:00.002-05:00

Urgent care dude says he thinks it's an allergic reaction. Gave me prednisone [ugh...again...? really??] and told me if it didn't get better in six days to come back and we'll try something else.

I'm on day five. So far all I can say is wtf is this shit? At least it's going away ... but it's going away on its own and I'm getting more patches all over the crazy ass place. It takes about a week for each little patch to go away. I am not happy about it, but I don't think there's much I can do about it at this point.

I hung out with Mike last night. We went to play pool and Nate came with us...wtf?...anyway, we got back to his place around 11 and I was thinking well, my flight leaves at eight, mom will want to get up hella early...I'd better go.

I told him I was leaving and he like...glomped onto me. It was cute. He must have told me to text him or call him as soon as I landed at least five times, maybe more. He said if I felt like talking at all during the week to give him a call. I told him my phone probably wouldn't work way out in the sticks and he said 'even if you have to use like...a real phone...call me.'

aw...

So yes, I got out to my car to leave and checked my phone...mom blew that bitch up trying to get ahold of me. I had told her we were hanging out and that I would be home, not to worry. She apparently thought that nine p.m. was when I should be home cause she left me a very mean message on my voicemail. 'we're leaving at five thirty. if you're not ready, we're leaving without you. bye.'

That pissed me off...but hey.

I already miss Mike.

I dunno when the plane lands...but I know it is supposed to take off at around eight. Also it's unseasonably warm today...and it's only five a.m. so that's gonna create all kinds of weird shit up in the air.

I won't have internet either. If I don't update Friday, I'm dead.

peace out guys.

I love you, D-family.

Draw another picture of the life you could have had

2008-11-11T08:48:00.002-05:00

The rash thing is buggin me. Also because I didn't want to lie to Mike, I had to tell him that I had it...but that it wasn't serious. He didn't touch me all night.

He's more concerned with the transmission I am guessing lol.

That didn't change much really, other than we didn't have sex. We slept together though...and I did dream about him again.

This time I was afraid he was gonna leave me. I dreamed we were asleep and I woke up and he was gone and all of his furniture except the bed was gone...and he just split like a gypsy. It was insane.

I hope this turns out to just be some crazy spontanious weird thing...like I'm too stressed out or whatever...because that's the only damn thing that makes sense.

I told Mike I didn't know what it was. Then I said I was probably allergic to him lol.

We had a conversation about him selling yards this morning, too...that was funny.

So now I'm off to take a shower and make my way down to urgent care ugh. I don't have a GP in this stae, it's a waste of my time and money. I would pay 30 dollars to see a GP where I only pay 25 [I think? it's been so long] to go to urgent care. Usually it's not busy at the one I go to.

Having said that, I'll be back in about six hours lol

alien whispers trapped beneath my pillow

2008-11-09T23:15:00.002-05:00

Ok so my day was annoying but productive. Lisa decided she is moving back home...and she wants me to buy her house. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Also, the last time I trusted someone with something that huge I got burned big time. Lisa wants to see how much I'm qualified to buy for just the same. I think if I'm qualified to buy as much as she's asking she's gonna keep bugging the hell out of me until I give in...which will be never.

Another weird thing. I am allergic to something and I don't know what it is. I have this weird rash...at first it was just on my legs but now it's spread to my forearms and elbows....and I haven't the slightest idea what it could be. If it was my laundry detergent I would have been affected all over sooner, not just on my legs first. This has been going on for like a week.

It doesn't itch and at first, since it was just on my legs, I figured it was just razor burn or something from shaving them nearly every effing day...but now that it's on my arms, I am a bit concerned. This is not some random rash either..it's ugly as hell. I look like a damn leper.

Imagine that all over your legs ... and now it's on my arm? What the hell? What is this?!?!

So I'm a little scared of that. Two things...I'm either allergic to Mike [ok that's not possible......is it?!] or I'm allergic to Lisa. Lol.

I seriously don't know what's up with this...and it's starting to freak me out. I am gonna look crazy or something. Maybe I should go to urgent care or something...

Ok scratch that, I still have some corticosteroid topical from the ridiculous chigger attack/poison oak outbreak of last summer. Awesome. Hopefully this will calm things down a bit. Cross your fingers.

Oh ha...I said scratch that...and I didn't even mean to. Fabulous.

Also, I was on my way to see Lisa and I got the cutest text message from ... you guessed it.

Wutchu doin boo?

xD I don't know why but that made me go all soft inside and shit. What is wrong with me!? Don't answer that.

So I had to call him back because I was driving on a crazy road and I didn't want to text and drive...that's bad, m'kay? I asked him why he didn't call yesterday....and he obviously didn't remember telling me he was going to.

He asked me what I was doin and I told him I was on my way to see Lisa and he was obviously disappointed. Ha, he called and I was busy...booyah. But he was like 'when you're done with that, give me a call.' So Lisa made me go to Target just to waste my time cause she doesn't like that I spend so much time with him as it is. She said to me at around four this afternoon 'we're going to target. What, did you think I was gonna let you go to Mike's now? He doesn't stand you up often enough for me to get to see you.' Lol

I was finally able to extricate myself from her grasp and get out of there. It took me like twenty minutes or so to get home and then I grabbed Twilight and headed out to drop it off at Willis' house on my way to Mike's ... where we watched City of God [moslty] and I finished his sentences...it was great. Also, 'man go get a hair cut!' was funny...even though I'm sure it was portuguese for something completely different since some guy had just been killed.

I asked Mike if he wanted to do anything tomorrow night since we didn't have to work the next day [hells yeah, Veteran's Day] and I informed him that it would be the last night I could stay over until I got back from Arkansas...since my plane leaves at like eight in the morning on Saturday. :/

So tomorrow night is the last night I get to cuddle with him until the following Friday. :(

Oh ha...tomorrow is actually our one month 'anniversary,' for lack of a better word. I just now realized that.

Victor has extended the deadline for a talk with Mike about our relationship status or removal of all my Victor privileges until December 1st.

:/ I still think that's too soon...and he said it's always too soon for a guy so I might as well get it over with lol.

don't kid yourself

2008-11-09T09:57:00.002-05:00

See, this is why I hate anything remotely 'relationship-y,' inevitably I fail....and it fucks up my self-esteem. I have zero confidence this morning. The cat woke me up to give her her treats, but she did it in such a cute way that I had to laugh. She nestled up next to my head and started purring, then she reached out with her paw and petted my forehead. It was sweet.

I can't believe they let me sleep until nine a.m. That's crazy.

Ok time for some randomness and then time to get the randomness started!

First of all, I am not shaving my legs today cause damnit, I've had enough leg shaving in the last month to make the baby jesus cry.

I need to brush my hair and get dressed. No shower, since I did that yesterday afternoon and I didn't work up any kind of sweat after that cause 1] I thought I was going somewhere and 2] this house is a fucking crypt. Why it's so damn cold in here, I'll never know. The AC is off though, which is good.

First thing's first, I need to take my grandfather on a virtual tour of the house, then maybe around town and I'll get where I work on tape.

Then I need to go buy a good winter coat and some gloves cause I'm tired of freezing to death one second and being too hot to keep all my clothes on the next second. Dressing for work is a chore because there's always a twenty degree tempurature difference between inside and outside, and it's never the right way. If it's cold outside, it's absolutely freezing inside and if it's hot outside....well, you get the general idea.

I also need to call Lisa and see if she wants to do her oil change thingy today.

And if my phone rings at any point during this, I may or may not answer. I'm still on the fence about that one. The only reason I would answer would be out of curiosity. Why didn't he call me yesterday when he was gonna? That's all I really care about at this point. I'm not too interested in making new plans.

But the chance of him actually calling is next to none. If he doesn't call me by late afternoon though, I am gonna call him ... cause I'm just weak like that.

Regress into a dream

2008-11-08T17:49:00.002-05:00

I just finished busting my ass all day cleaning this house. I even managed to do three loads of laundry and clean out my car. I was kicking ass but apparently now it's all for naught. I know, I know...it's only six....but I am dead fucking tired and he said he'd call and he didn't.

Lisa didn't call, either...so I don't know what's up with that.

Not even my mother called to let me know if they got to SC alright. Wow.

Maybe my phone doesn't work...? lol

That would be crazy....let me go check on that.

Ok, so my phone works. That's great.

*sigh*

Hm. I am at a loss...except to say that I bought a barrel jar from party lite and it's called 'hocus pocus.' I am not really all that impressed with it, either. For one, it's neon dayglo yellow...and it's supposed to change colors but so far it hasn't even attempted a minor shift. Also it smells funny.

I am kind of feeling a little tired and put out I put make up on to sit around the house. Go me lol.

Maybe I can catch up on some TV.

keepin myself at your front door

2008-11-08T09:17:00.000-05:00

I have so many thoughts right now. I know that people are happy about the election, but I can't help but be disappointed. I am not a sore loser, and I can definitively state that as I've seen the ugliest shit lately related to the election and I know that I am not like those people at all, but when I walked in the door and saw that he won I was incredibly shocked.

What is gonna happen to my 401k? Ugh...I don't know...so many questions. I will say that I have moved on from it though and I am waiting for him to prove himself...because he definitely still needs to do that.

Election aside, it's been a crazy week anyway. Mike and I spent Tuesday night, Thursday night, and of course last night together. Last night was the only night I could actually sleep over with him though, even though he asked me both nights to stay. One day I will, but not just yet. That would be just insane for me...but it's worth it.

Since I had that breakthrough last week, it's easier and easier for me to experience it. I am glad, I was wondering if it would ever happen. It's kind of strange that it took him to do it, though...but like I said earlier, he is very talented.

I was supposed to do something with Lisa today, but I don't know if that's gonna happen cause I don't know what she's doing now. If not, that's fine...as my family unit is currently on their way to Charleston to visit my step family. I got a pass because, really, I am not related to them....and besides, hells nah...I am not driving with them for three hours just to turn around and come home, especially in this weather. It is raining at the moment. Ugh.

I have so many things to do ... I need to clean because I think Mike is coming over later...and believe it or not, my room is the cleanest one in the house. Not that our house is dirty per se, it's just cluttered. My mother has a dress hanging off of one of the living room book cases, just to give you an idea of what I am dealing with.

Kelly asked me last night [yeah, we sat up with them again...] what my design style was. I said, if I had a choice it would be very minimalist. I know it doesn't look like it, but I really crave space. If I had all the furniture I wanted I would have a shit ton more space.

We played pool last night, and I was so not on my A game...it was embarrassing. I only won once. Mike is the king of the bullshit shots, but I don't mind since to me if a ball goes in a pocket it counts. He broke one time last night and three balls went in. That was amazing.

We didn't talk about anything really....we didn't get much of a chance.

I don't know that spending more than three nights a week together is a good idea. I miss him a lot when we're not together, but we both like our space...and let's face it...I am a retard around him most of the time.

We watched the soup this morning and for some crazy reason, it said 'nov 07' in the bottom right corner instead of 'nov 08.' I was a little disoriented lol.

OH I also need to use the video camera and get our house on DVD so we can show grandpa what our lives are like. I should probably do that tomorrow since I think it will be sunny.

Last night he was like 'what do you want to watch?' and I said 'surprise me.' He made the requisite 'oh I'll give you a surprise' statement and then popped Dr. Katz into the DVD player. I haven't watched that show in years so it was nice to kind of catch up. I had forgotten about the kid's obsession with the receptionist lol.

Oh yeah, Richard bought guns. My mother told me this Thursday afternoon and it rocked my world. Not just a shotgun...but other guns. The plurality is what worries me. That and they both occasionally take ambien. I said 'I had better not wake up one night and find you or Richard pointing a shotgun in my face!' lol

She told me that and I was instantly like 'I'm gonna go sleep at Mike's!' and then I said 'wait, nevemind....he keeps a gun under the bed.'

I can't win.

lol

I even had a discussion about that with Victor the other day. I said that I was thinking about going over to Mike's but that I realized that he keeps a gun under the bed and Victor was like 'so?' I'm like 'so!?' He's like 'what are you doin under the man's bed?!' lol true...I conceeded that point to him but then I said 'what if a mouse runs through and sets it off!?' he just shook his head and called me crazy goin 'there's no mouse, j rock...'

That was the end of that conversation....

except...

Last night I accidentally knocked my chapstick under his bed and had to get it.

I can't even describe the terror as I fished around blindly for it [the lights were off lol]. Ugh...

nobody got shot so I guess I never came into contact with it xD

I dunno though...this whole gun thing is crazy. Guns are bad, mkay?

Hopefully today won't be as crazy as I think it will and I'll actually get something accomplished.

:D

Don't confuse, baby you're gonna lose your own game

2008-11-02T08:30:00.000-05:00

For reasons entirely beyond my control, I haven't been able to talk to Mike about anything. Even after Victor threatened me with losing my 'honorary black person' status. [that was a joke]

He told me Thursday afternoon that I had to handle it by that night and text him with what happened, or he was never gonna talk to me again lol. Well, that night I was so worked up about talking to him that I got that nervous rolling stomach thing ... but there was not much I could do about it.

I am glad we didn't have that talk yet, mostly because I am pretty sure I know what he would say. Then again, I could be wrong...but I don't think I am. Who knows though?

Anyway, I couldn't ask him that night because he invited Nate to come with us. Ok, wtf? Whatever.

Of course though I was so determined to get the truth out of him that I spent the first hour thoroughly bummed. I texted Victor when I went to the bathroom and told him that I wouldn't be able to talk to Mike and why, and he gave me a pass. Awesome.

That night we knew I couldn't stay, and he was trying to get me to...and I wanted to, but it would have been really hard for me to get ready in the morning, considering I live 15 minutes away from him. Get up early after getting no sleep, drive home, shower, makeup, drive nearly all the way back to his house to get to work...yeah, not happening. Besides, I am used to my routine by now.

Anyhow, we were lying in bed and he was cuddling with me...and I said "I have to go," and he was like "okay," and I tried to get up, but he wouldn't let me go. It was sweet. Eventually I did leave...and he made me. He knew I had that interview the next day and he was like "you are going to be useless tomorrow if you don't go home and get some rest," so I did...after I attempted to tuck him in...which made me way later getting home lol.

The interview. Everyone keeps asking me how it went. I keep shrugging and telling them that it was an interview. I don't know how it went, I haven't been interviewed in so long...nearly four years now. I do remember my interview with Deb for the teller job all those years ago ...and I know there was lots of fake smiling in that one, too lol. The difference with this one is that I was interviewed by two people, which is ... new for me. Over all, I would say that I am not going to get the job [which is fine because there were so many applicants and only one person that really should get the job], but that I will be considered for one of the future positions when they expand the department...which should be soon enough, but not 'rightnow,' if that makes any sense.

The whole day was a complete blur. A complete hungover, ugly, ridiculous blur. Ugh. But at least I didn't bomb the interview, which is a total bonus.

Friday night we chilled at his place and watched The Happening. Mark Wahlberg....*sigh* .... this was totally not his kind of movie, unless he was going for Mr. Rogers Lite. His voice and entire manner was incredibly grating the entire movie. As if he wasn't enough material to send my MST3K ability into uncontrollable overdrive, they threw in some girl named Zooey Deschanel. Oh, she was on Frasier for one episode...hm. Remind me to skip that one. We had fun making fun of that movie. Good times.

I actually got some sleep that night, but I dreamed about Mike the whole time. That was crazy.

Last night .... wow. Um.

We went to Fat Daddy's and shot some pool...and I had a minor retard moment. I was trying to breathe and drink my Sam Adams at the same time and ended up showering the entire pool table in beer. Yay. My only solace was that it never came out of my nose. That was sooo embarrassing.

Then we went to the Ale House to finish up the night ... where we talked about some crazy shit he's done and been through...including the unfortunate demise of his parent's cat, Bubbles. Evidently Bubbles was really hyper and used to run around the feet of whomever got up ...and Mike accidentally stepped on her head and dislocated her jaw. There wasn't really anything the vet could do to save her, he said. They could have done surgery, but there was only a 50/50 shot of her actually being able to lead a relatively normal life after that and it was going to cost 2500.00, so they had her put to sleep instead.

That was a depressing turn in the conversation...and I think he might have cried if we hadn't changed the subject. He felt so bad about that, but it was just an accident... :(

Anyway, here's a picture of Mike...still dressed for work. This is the only picture I have of him and it is a really really shitty cell phone pic lol...so be kind. His eyes are half closed, too. Awesome.

He told me about the time his brother accidentally shot a friend. They were being typical males and shooting guns in the woods and one of the guns accidentally discharged and shot his brother's buddy through the boot. They raced to the emergency room and the cops showed up...and it was crazy cause Mike thought they were gonna get arrested, because they still had all the guns and all the ammo for the guns in the car...and they were in a hurry to get to the ER, so they had just tossed everything in....so all the bullets were everywhere. And the cop was like 'wow, these are some nice weapons...'

WTF...?!

No arrest...the cop just played with their guns for a while. Wow.

Then we headed back to his place where we pretended to watch an episode of The Office [after he threatened me with watching Rock of Love...which he had recorded for some reason].

[OI warning, graphic content ahead....read at your own risk! If you vomit, I am not responsible!]

Last night [well I should really say 'this morning,' cause it was right around 2 a.m....but then that's when DST kicks in...so it was really 1, right? so confusing...but apropos] we were trying to go to sleep. He likes to spoon...any time he wakes up, he takes up that position with me and it drives me CRAZY!!! So he was doing that and I flat out told him "The only thing that spooning does for me is turn me on." He agreed.

I mean, can you imagine being in a warm bed with someone and waking up and they have their arms around you and you're all intertwined .... and you get so turned on, and then they roll over and go back to sleep. What the hell?! But that's been happening to me every time I stay over there. Usually a couple times a night and then he likes to do that when he wakes up in the morning...then he rolls out of bed and I'm like '..........' lmao. Cause I can tell that he's turned on, so why is he leaving?!

So after I said that, it lead to another tumble session....which lead to a total and complete breakthrough for me. HOORAY!! I will admit that I was incredibly loud about it.... but I had no idea that was gonna happen. He lives in an apartment, so I'm sure his upstairs neighbors were like 'WOW,' cause I know I was!

Then I dreamed about him again...all night! What is going on with that? Except this time it wasn't a good dream. Then we woke up and he tickled me nearly right out of bed lmao.

Anyway.

So yes, last night was a good night....despite the spewing of the beer.

Pushing us into self destruction

2008-10-29T18:53:00.001-04:00

Ready for this? I found myself, once again, at wal mart today. This time on my lunch hour. I hate going to lunch at the same time as this one certain person, but I can't get away from her sometimes. Like at the employee meeting when I tried to dodge her to go to lunch with Mike and Victor. I don't know how she did it, but she followed me out through a giant maze of tables, not to mention at least four hundred people. Even as I made it out the door into the sunlight, I knew it was too late. I heard her getting pissy with me for leaving her behind.

Throughout her tirade, I was looking for Mike and Vic, and I finally spotted them about fifty yards ahead of me walking toward the parking lot and I sighed and mentally wished them a good lunch.

This lady was still yapping on and on about stuff I didn't much give a damn about while I was texting Mike and telling him that the crazy lady followed me. He said 'it's cool,' but it wasn't cool with me.

I got really lucky though, cause I was like 'so where are we goin for lunch?' and she said 'what are you talking about, I always eat here!' and I said 'well then I guess I'll head out, cause I never eat this crap.' Hotel 'food' just doesn't do it for me.

Anyway, I headed out and decided against trying to join Mike and Vic. They needed their guy time, I reasoned, so I headed to Wendy's ... which is where I always go for lunch when we have the employee meeting. I parked and I thought wouldn't it be something if this is the place they went for lunch, too? But I didn't see anyone's car I recognized, so I gave up on that idea. I walked in the door and bam, there they were....sitting right by the door. It was epic.

Anyway, so I went to lunch today with the lady who wouldn't leave me the hell alone at the meeting. She needed to go to wal mart, so we went and decided to eat at the mcdonald's there. Yay.

She has some kind of asthma thing. It hasn't acted up in at least six months, so it decided to pop up and say hi right after she took a giant gulp of sweet tea. It wasn't pretty, but in hindsight, it was pretty hilarious. She's fine, by the way...no lasting harm except to her ego. You can imagine how busy a wal mart mcdonalds gets around one thirty lol.

People were frozen in that 'wtf do we do' pose. I think they were waiting for me to do something before they did anything, but I know better than to start giving her the heimlich at that point. I was very worried for a bit because she was eating at the time, but she coughed a little, so I calmed down just a little bit.

It did look like someone choking on something though, except that sweet tea gushed out of her nose.

Oh I am sorry, it's just so funny in retrospect. I clearly remember thinking 'ok, Lisa...let's just get through this so we can laugh at it later' lol.

So yeah, I'm done with wal mart for a while.

I can't wait for tomorrow to get here and be over with. Well, the work part anyway. I miss Mike. I know, I'm kinda retarded. It's not like we've been apart for years and I just now get to see him or anything. We saw each other Saturday, for pete's sake....it just feels longer than that to me. :/

Best thing of all, I get to kiss him again tomorrow. Oh yeah, it's on. I don't know if I'll be able to control the smile or the squee that will be the result of finally getting to kiss him again after two weeks. Ugh. I'm thinking we should go ahead and get that over with first thing lol.

Every time we see each other there's this odd thing that happens. We start off like friends just hanging out...and then it evolves...but we can both tell that the other person wants to kiss. I wonder what would happen if the second we said hi I hugged him and then kissed him? Worth a shot, no? lol

Of course, I post this now and tomorrow night I'll be updating with 'well, that didn't go very well...' wtg, Jenn.

Either that or he'll break up with me.

I have this just...nagging fear that he's about to do it ... but just can't quite get around to it, so I'm forever trying to distance myself from him and I also feel like I keep being more into him....I don't know if this makes any sense. My emotions are directly conflicting with one another. I feel like it's not safe to miss him or to feel anxious to see him or to miss him kissing me....but I can't help doing those things anyway...and that bothers me.

You're so happy now, burnin' the candle at both ends

2008-10-28T19:25:00.000-04:00

I have an interview Friday for that position I applied for. I thought I was special [like that Radiohead song] ... until I found out that they're interviewing everyone who applied lol. Oh well, at least it will be good practice, since I haven't been interviewed in nearly four years.

Mike and I have plans to go to Piper's Tavern Thursday evening. I know this won't be a great time to bring anything up, cause there will be too many people around and shit...but I got some great advice from a male perspective today. He happens to agree with the saner people I know that I do need to just put it out there.

He's a good friend. He also wants to screw me, but that's not going to happen as he's in a relationship and I don't disrespect people like that. The reason I went to him is because he's the only guy I know that I feel comfortable coming to with it. Also, he's been with the same chick for forever, so he knows all about the ups and downs. I asked him if he and his girl ever run out of things to say to each other. He said yeah, that they'd go for a while without talking at all. I said "and you're still together?" He said "yeah. It's not like we talk every day, but we still appreciate each other, yaknow?"

I said "What do I say?" He said "Well, you just say 'we need to have a serious talk,'" and I wrinkled my nose and said "Ick, that sounds horrible!" and he said "oh yeah, it is horrible." I asked him how to go about this whole asking shit and he said "well, I guess that depends on how you come at it. You don't want to put too much pressure on a man. I would say just... go at it from your perspective. Say 'I really care about you, but I don't want this to go on if it's not something you're interested in,' yaknow?" And he made me smile, cause I hadn't thought about that before. That does mean, of course, that I will be putting all my feelings out there...showing my hand. I thought for a second and said "but I don't want to just...put myself out there and get hurt! What if it ends things?" He said "Jenn, I would rather you get hurt after three weeks than have to wait to get hurt in four or five months."

Aw.

So that's the skinny on that, ladies and gents.

When are we gonna get together again?

Whenever you want. How about Thursday?

Sure. Ale house again?

Hells yeah, or we can go to piper's tavern

Wonder what the waitstaff is like at piper's?

Couldn't be worse than the ale house. I'm watching Munich w/ a Jew

Holy fuck - did you just drop a hard J??

No, it's about context.

HAHAHA ok....I can't really elaborate about that...except you sort of had to be there, or watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, to get that. Trust me when I say no offense intended.

I also camped out at wal mart today. I know this is retarded, but I really needed new underwear. The elastic is coming out of what I have now...plus they're full of holes and shit. LOL well not litterally, maybe I should have put 'and stuff' instead.

Yes, I camped out in the check out lane for fifteen minutes. I was only in the damn store for twenty five. Considered buying a pregnancy test and decided not to. Best to just let it ride. Although I have been feeling like I'm going to puke most of the time lately. We'll just chalk that up to nerves and shit.

Anywho, back to the insanity that is wal hyphen mart. Come on now, everyone decided to check out at the same time. It's six p.m. on a Tuesday and there are fifteen regular checkout lanes. There were only two open. I hate standing in line behind people at the self checkout thing too, because every time I go there it seems like nobody knows how to use the fucking things. They just stare at it blankly like 'uh...what?' It's not that hard, you guys...really. Everyone knows not to go through the stupid thing with alcohol or a rated R movie. Oh wait, stupid people don't know that. Which is why I had to finally move my shit over to one of the regular lanes. This woman in front of me...oh dear lord...her cart was completely full. What in the hell, lady? She bought something from every department.

Whatever. I got home at like 6:45, and some of the undies I bought didn't fit right. They went into the garbage can lol. I can't take them back, so there you go. At least I got four new pair out of that fiasco.

I also burned a CD for a co worker cause damn...I miss talkin about stuff me and Mike have in common, so he's got to at least give Muse a chance.

Ok, I've blogged quite enough, methinks. Time to call it a night.

I don't like to think love is like war

2008-10-27T19:16:00.000-04:00

Today I was challenged to keep my cool.

Today was the deadline for emailing my resume to HR for that position I was talking about earlier. I finished the damn thing last night and saved it as a .WPS file...not thinking that oh ho, this computer is way more up to date than the one at work. I managed to out-dumb myself and decided to also copy and paste the whole thing in the email, too...just in case I couldn't open it at work.

It's a good thing I did because the computers at work threw their hands up in the air and shook their heads when I tried to open that file. Then the only thing I had to worry about was reformatting the dang thing because copy and paste did not actually mean copy and paste exactly what I wrote...but more the condensed not buletted and weirdly spaced version.

We were also short a teller this morning, so there were only two of us on the line until ten a.m. By the time I got the damn thing ready to send in an email, the company email went down. It was down until 12:30. I had exacty ten minutes to send the damn thing and get a reply that they were actually gonna look at it before email went down again.

Then some lady came in and was talking to one of the part time tellers. This lady was way strung out. I don't know what kind of day she was having, but something was obviously very wrong. Not only is she using wobbly voice and thereby already distracting me from the member in front of me, but I suddenly hear my own name. Not just the first part, I've gotten used to there being a bajillion other girls with the name 'Jennifer,' but I still turn around when people use the last name as well.

Well she just nearly shouted my full name across the lobby, so naturally I turned to look at her, all raised eyebrows and 'huh?' like. She couldn't see me because there was a fish bank in the way, so I finished up with my own member and then forgot about it...but all of a sudden here she was, wobbly voice and all, standing before me.

She wanted proof that I had helped her last Monday [wtf, I barely remember last Friday!?] and wanted to know did I remember her. There is really nearly zero chance of that happening. Eventually she got around to the point, which was basically accusing me of stealing her ID last week. What the hell, lady? What have you been doing for seven days without the damn thing? Why would I ever keep your ID anyway? I said that I did not have it and that I never had it and if I ever did have it, I would have attempted to contact her and failing that, I would have turned it over to my supervisor. Well, that's what I tried to say, but she kept cutting me off in near hysterics.

Finally she decided to make some damn sense and said "well I guess I'll go check up at the front desk and see if they have it." Evidently, they did not because she slammed out the door like a five year old having a temper tantrum.

I guess she found it though, because twenty minutes later she was back in the branch cashing her check at the window next to mine. She was babbling like a crazy insane messed up brook, but hell whatever. Of course, no appology for flat out accusing me of stealing. But that's how it goes where I work.

So later in the day, I heard another part timer talking to some lady about the other Jennifer we used to have in the office. At least, I pieced that together eventually. What I heard was 'noisenoisenoise Jennifer $^@#%. She had those two little girls...they're so pretty!' I turned around and said 'no, I didn't...that was Jennifer *#^@. Don't give me no babbies, Natalie.'

I am sick of being mistaken for the lady with twins! I know it's not her fault at all, I am just tired of it! I lost count of the number of people who have come up to me to ask how the twins are doing. Then they feel stupid for asking when I tell them that I don't have kids. AND THEY SHOULD! If you're the thirtieth person who has walked up to me and asked after kids I've only seen in person ONE TIME like I'm their parent, I am going to be a little short with you. It's your mistake, get over it.

Also, I don't understand why it's so hard for people to remember who I am. Sheesh.

Finally, email comes back up at like three thirty. Mom emails me [again] to tell me that State Farm called and the payment is past due. I'm thinking wtf, I set that mofo to autodraft from my account!? So I called them and said 'what's up?' and they said they raised their rates and that I've actually been paying six dollars short every month. Well, thanks for telling me that! I've tried to pay the bill through their online service, but every time I log on it tries to make me answer some crazy 'security question' that I've never seen before in my life and I ultimately get locked out. That was the reason for setting up the autodraft from my own account through our billpay service.

Dude told me that I needed to pay 180.00 smackers to get right with them. WHAT? Oh my god. I went ahead and decided to pay it through the billpay thing. When I logged on, I found out that my recurring payment had been cancelled. I don't know how in the hell that happened, but it pissed me off.

Not only have I not been paying enough for the last three months or so, I've not actually made a payment for a month. WHAT THE HELL is going on? Is this karma or something? What did I do?

To top it all off, I've been questioning this thing I have going with Mike. What is it, what does it mean, where are we going, etc. I've explained all this to one certain person, and she doesn't think it's going anywhere good. She says she doesn't trust Mike, that she thinks he's no good for me. She said she'd be happier with me seeing anyone else. She says she knows I'm going to get my heart broken. What the hell? Does nobody have any faith in my ability to reason and take care of my own heart? So I asked her if I should ask him about our 'status' or whatever and she said no, that that would only mess it up.

*sigh* I am simply a 'just the facts, ma'am' kind of girl. I hate playing games of any sort and stumbling around blindly in this situation is just about to drive me nuts.

These women make it sound like I should plan out some kind of strategy. "Don't give him an ultimatum, it's too early for that, he'll feel like he's under pressure."

I don't want to give him an ultimatum, I just want to know where he thinks we are...is that so crazy? I don't want to waste his time and I certainly don't want to get too emotionally vested in something that is going absolutely nowhere. Why is it so bad to ask? I don't understand it.

This day has been just a shit day, as far as I'm concerned.

Goodnight.

For those who are not muse fans yet

2008-10-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

These are some of my favorite Muse songs. The sound quality is not great...but you'll get the general idea. Pay no attention to the crazy videos...I think someone was incredibly high when coming up with the concepts for them lol.

Unintended - love song

Plug in baby - rock genius

Fury - rock genius II...also my inspiration for the title of this blog & the URL

Citizen Erased - this one is pretty different live, lots of static...and it's faster lol. But at least you get to see Matt Bellamy do some crazy shit...not only on the guitar xD

If your interest is piqued, youtube them. I will warn you though, most of the videos have horrible sound quality. That is why I did not post New Born, the only versions of it on youtube were awful. New Born starts out sweet and really gets going by 1:25. I love the intro for Plug in Baby...it's just so catchy!

I prefer the live versions to the studio versions most of the time cause Matt improvises a lot of stuff on the stage you'd never get to hear in a studio.

Ok so this one is here because it's fucking hilarious. The quality of his performance is nearly negative, but he is so damn funny...I nearly threw up I laughed so hard when this popped up. Also, it's live...lol. I wish I'd been listening when this happened lmao.

If you don't laugh right away [yee wee fucking sheep], wait until 1:30. I love the way he just pops up right after that. Awesome. That's one I'll have to share with Mike, if he hasn't already seen it.

This is a nothing post, but I feel like I should have something to say. Today was less than epic. I finished messing up my resume and sent it to myself at work so I can email the HR peoples tomorrow [which is the deadline] while I watched Menace II Soiciety. I felt a total disconnect from the movie...since I never went through anything like that or grew up with anybody [as far as I know] that went through that growing up.

That movie is insane.

Let your inhibitions go
Make every touch electrical
When you're feeling beautiful
Will you remember me?

I want to touch you deep inside
And find the secrets that you hide
When you fears are cast aside
Will you remember me?

Easily forgotten love
Easily forgotten love
It's not so easily

I just want to let you know
My mind refuses to let you go
I wanna hypnotise you so
You will remember me

Easily forgotten love
Easily forgotten love
It's not so easily

Easily forgotten love
Easily forgotten love
Easily the best I ever had
Easily the best I ever had

Easily reminds me of Queen. It's weird, but true.

Fears

2008-10-26T16:53:00.000-04:00

Since I am completely hidden from everyone I see on a daily basis, let me vent all my fears right now. Maybe in a year or two I'll look back and scoff at these, but now they are very real. Potential for the changing of my life lies within the first couple, but the rest are always on my mind.

1] What if I end up pregnant?
To be totally honest, Mike and I did not and have not used any sort of protection. I really don't feel like I have a reason to be worried about this one, but you never know. I have PCOS and have never been a regular ovulator [wow that sounds insane]. We talked one night about family and I told him I never knew my father. He said "Wow, I can't imagine having a kid and not being a part of its life." But then again, even if he meant that, how do you tell someone you're carrying their unexpected kid?

2] What if he wants to marry me if I get pregnant?
The [debateably] noble thing to do, I suppose...but for the wrong reasons. We would probably end up hating each other if this were to happen. I don't want to saddle him with a kid and I don't want to be married to him....at least, I don't feel that way right now. He said he's at that point in life where he's ready to settle down, get married, and have kids. I wish I was that certain...both about his answer and my own viewpoint. I want a family, but I don't want to get it this way. I think my options would be to have the baby and take care of it myself [not knowing when I'd ever have a chance to be pregnant again], or have the baby and put it up for adoption [which would make me incredibly sad]. Again, those are the only two options I would entertain. I am all for pro-choice, but not in this situation. I don't think I would ever abort a child under any circumstances, but for some women it is a viable option. When I was attacked, I wondered after if I would turn out to be pregnant from it...and I was sick with myself when I realized there was no way I could live with myself while carrying that child. Thankfully for all involved, I did not have to worry about that. I was emotionally unstable enough after it happened that I am fairly certain I would have gone completely insane if I'd found out I was pregnant.

3] The housing problem
This one is going to be a long one. Several months ago my step father applied for a lot of jobs all over the state. I haven't heard that he's heard either way about any of them, but when I found out, it made me question my living situation. In the end I explained to my mother that if they moved to another part of the state, I would not be going with them. I do not ever, I repeat, ever want to rent again. I feel like it's a pointless dead end money pit. Why pay to live somewhere you can't make your own? At least by paying a mortgage you are putting money into a piece of property that will eventually be yours if you so choose. Anyway, I want to buy a house and I've seriously been thinking about it for a couple of years now. The problem is, I don't really think I can afford it now which is explained by....

4] The job situation
The company I currently work for is downsizing. If I don't finish my resume by tonight and send it to the HR people for this one position that I'm interested, I will feel like a total failure. Sure, there are better people suited for the position who are applying, but at least I am trying. I really think I'd be a good candidate for the job, since I won't have to deal with people very much [a definite perk], but if I don't get my arse in gear who knows when they'll post another job I will be qualified for? I want to stay with this company because my health insurance is amazing, plus they're familiar and I really hate interviewing with people. I am terrible at it and I always feel like my fake smile is completely obvious to them lol. The real thing I am afraid of is that if I don't do something, my ass will be without a job. That will definitely put the house buying thing on some remote back burner that I will probably never see again.

5] I need to sever the cord
For the longest time it feels like I've been taking care of my mother. I haven't really, but she hasn't exactly been taking care of me either. It's a strange relationship. For example, her biggest goal for me has always been to get me into college. For years now I have railed against it. I didn't like school when it was just high school bullshit, why would I ever like college? I am past my 'party days,' and I have zero tolerance for ridiculous college aged girls who think that tying a bandana around their breasticles and shoving their jeans down so far they barely cover their 'party patch' is acceptable behavior. Don't even get me started on college aged 'men.' There are a few notable exceptions...but mostly they all fit the same single minded mold. For them, college is an adventure, not a stepping stone to the future. I can't be around stupid people...not only does it reduce my IQ simply by association, it also distracts me completely. I am forever dreaming up the best way to murder them in the night. Yes, really. I would never act on this impulse, but it alleviates the boredom. But I digress....I was talking to my mother the other night and describing Mike, what he likes, his political affiliation, how old he is, his family...all the stuff mothers might like to know. I suddenly decided to joke with her. "Hey mom, wouldn't it be something if you finally got me married off?" She smiled some dreamy smile and said "Yes, it would." I was completely floored. Obviously the priorities are a litte distorted in her head.

I'm sure there are more bold titles somewhere in my head, but these are the ones troubling me at the moment.

blogspot...a place i can run away from the co workers

2008-10-26T15:38:00.000-04:00

Hello, brand new potential readership!

Lately I have been feeling confined over at myspace. It is really difficult to express how I feel and what is going on in my life when I feel like people I know in real life who see me every day will judge me. I've had to edit myself and even hide things when I didn't want to just to keep people from feeling left out or suspicious, and I really do not like doing that.

They ended up being pissed off and still suspicious because my blogs weren't entirely hidden from them anyhow. All they knew is that I wrote something...but that they weren't allowed to read it...because they could clearly see the title.

So I got hate mail and angry glances for trying to protect my feelings and my private life from becoming too public. I dislike nosey people I see every day kowing everything that's going on in my life.

Strangely enough, people I've never met before can know anything and everything about me and it will not bother me in the slightest.

So come one, come all, and experience the freak show that is me...married to myself.

Unless of course I work with you...

Then you can just GTFO.

:)